AFL Round 7 – West Coast v Fremantle: May the Fourth can get f#*^@!

“A long time ago in a Galaxy far, far away….” (Subiaco Oval, 2.40pm, Sunday May the Fourth)

For over a thousand generations, the Jedi Knights were the guardians of peace & justice in the Old Republic. Before the dark times… before the Empire. A young Jedi named Darth Sumich, who was a pupil of mine until he turned to evil, helped the Empire hunt down & destroy the Jedi Knights. Sumich was seduced by the dark side of the Force.”

star wars phantom menace

Episode 1 – The Phantom Menace

The Evil Empire dominates early.  This contest will be all about who wins the clearances and the contested possessions.  My Jedi get 2 goals late and we are only 14 points down at popcorn time.

star wars return jedi

Episode 2 – Return of the Jedi

This is the movie I came to see.  My Jedi are swarming all over an Empire in full retreat.  But there is something wrong with the script.  It is full of hysterical inaccuracies.  By us.  In front of goal.  We kick 1.8 and 6 of the misses are sitters.  We should be 3 goals in front, not 7 points down at choc bomb time.

star wars empire strikes back

Episode 3 – The Empire Strikes Back

Early signs are good.  We kick 2 to go a goal in front.  Then the screen goes blank.  The horror.  The horror.  I don’t even know what movie I’m watching.  Four goals to them and the barbarians are at the gate.  I am rolling jaffas down the aisle for amusement.

star wars sith revenge

Episode 4 – Revenge of the Sith

They kick 2 more early, and then those interminable credits roll for a final 20 minutes of junk time.  We get 2 late to lose by 19 points.  Who cares?  We had our chance to win, with plenty of effort and opportunities.  But our skill levels are among the worst in the Galaxy, so that hard work creates more turnovers and missed opportunities than pressure.

Star Wars Wookie

Nic Naitanui is so unfit and low on confidence, it’s a scandal that the Jedi ‘brains trust’ are playing him.  He clearly has a groin/osteitis pubis problem and has no sprint or spring in his legs.  His game is all about athleticism, so if he has none, rest him or send him for surgery.

Star Wars Princess Leia

Luke Shuey faints whenever he catches sight of Ryan Crowley.

Star Wars Old PalatineStar Wars Old Ben

Matthew Pavlich and Darren Glass can see the tunnel at the end of the light.

Star Wars R2D2

Matt Priddis and Scott Selwood battled hard

Star Wars Luke SkywalkerStar Wars Anakin Skywalker

But the Skywalkers (Nat and David) dominate the midfield.  Michael needed the run.

Star Wars Jar Jar Binks

Sandilands made the Eagles rucks look old and unfit

Star Wars Cad Bane

Zac Clarke kicked 3 goals and is an emerging star

Star Wars JabbaStar Wars Darth Vader

The Evil Empire’s coaching panel has the most ruthless team of henchmen and hired guns in the Galaxy

Malarkey Academy Awards

Star Wars Yoda

3 Votes: Lachie Neale (Evil Empire)

Star Wars Crowley

2 Votes: Ryan Crowley (Evil Empire)

Star Wars Cody

1 Vote: Brad Sheppard (Jedi)



A Word from our Sponsors:

Star Wars Evil Empire

AFL: May the Merchandising be with you




  1. You would think that their light sabres need a tune-up and overhaul.After all light is supposed to travel in straight lines.
    I think that Cripps is a keeper.Can we clone Darling? Hurn needed a run too.Sheppard was decent
    .I am clutching at straws, but I hope the Jedis give the giants a hiding for “confidence”
    Almost hopeless, but one film doesn’t make a series.

  2. Peter Schumacher says

    On the other hand you could barrack for Brisbane.

  3. Mark 'Swish' Schwerdt says

    Is it just me, or does R2D2 look like Hayden Ballantyne ?

  4. Sean Gorman says

    It was art historian Robert Hughes who reviewed the ‘prequel’ of the new Star Wars instalment for the Australian years ago who said – no amount of polish could bring a shine to the turd – RH knew what he liked and did not like – and I has at a guess but he perhaps would have said something similar about West Coast re the Dertby. The Poll of best WA rucks should have been held this week by PerthNow as I don’t think Cox would have featured so strongly – beating Polly Farmer if you don’t mind. Your fixture is your extra man this year PB lets hope for your sake it helps the force be with you.

    Note: Surely Freo are the Rebel Alliance and WesCoz are the Dark lords – Patterson is the Death Star and your home for pete’s sake – just saying.

  5. Mark 'Swish' Schwerdt says

    But you can roll it in glitter

  6. sean gorman says

    Or sprinkles Swisher

  7. Mark 'Swish' Schwerdt says

    PB, can’t wait for your take on Indigenous and Multicultural Rounds

  8. sean gorman says

    Probably be a few references to Jedda and They’re a weird mob!!!

  9. Peter_B says

    What Litza is to popular culture, I aspire to for the over 50’s. My head is full of cultural references, but nothing after 1989. (Except for Eagles 2006).
    We need to get rid of that tight fisted, autocratic, conservative Prime Minister. Malcolm Fraser is ruining the country.

  10. Mark 'Swish' Schwerdt says

    Huh – When did Menzies go ??

  11. sean gorman says

    Pass the Harold Holt…..l

  12. Paddy O'Peace says

    Really enjoyed the pictures but PB’s article was too erudite for a battler like me.
    Surely Pete will enjoy watching The Greatest Team of All oN Sat V the painters and Dockers.

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