AFL Round 7: The Wrap


Where life imitates Football

Plus ça change, plus c’est la même chose.  The Mighty Magpies looked set to totally wipe out their Blood Rivals from along The Right Royal Parade, but ran out of steam in the end to cruise to just a comfortable win.

On Saturday The Hawks kicked The Sweep and boosted their For & Against by nearly 30% as they stormed all over The Undermanned Saints in an embarrassingly one sided affair.  Port continued their ascendancy with a comfortable win in the National Capital.  The Dees further weakened their chances of carrying off the Coveted Sylvan Shield this season with a win over Adelaide in the Shadows of Mt Lofty.  Steak & Kidney slaughtered The Bad News Bears up on The Gabbatoir to consolidate their position in The Eight.  And The Gliders had just enough wind beneath their wings to sail cross the line ahead of a Tenacious Bulldog Outfit.

Come Sunday and we saw the unveiling of Gold Coast 2014 as they sent The Shinboners reeling.   The Striped Marvels, after a slow start, took it right up to The Catters, but no cigar.  Over in The Derby it was Freo who led at every change to win unchallenged, and send The Coasters into negative territory & out of The Eight.

Anyone catch Mark McClure on 774 straight after the Midday News?  You didn’t?  Well let me fill you in.  He’s dropped right off the idea of signing Mickey The Maltster for an extra couple of seasons right now.  In fact, based on the Grumpy Old Ox’s Post Match, he was borderline hostile to the idea.  Don’t you just love the sound of a fine blade honing on a steel?  (And the sound of a 180o turnaround on public radio – Ed)

And while it’s only fair that the new CEO at Jellymont House should be given the traditional 100 days honeymoon, hearing him interviewed is eerie, don’t you reckon?  Were we alone in noticing the similarity of his voice to that of the retiring incumbent?  The timbre and tone, the hesitations, the emphasis, you’d reckon you were listening to a younger Himself right through the interview.  The refreshing thing was that he was making some positive noises about some of the issues left on the desk.

Has Bomber T been irking you with his bizarre laidback body language?  Yeah, we thought so.  Maybe you should close your eyes.  We caught him on 774’s The Sunday Inquisition.  He made a lot of sense just in the voice.  Could it be that he’s come to realize he was on track to handing ovefr a train wreck the way things were going, and that he’s laid back attitude was rubbing off on his charges?

Déjà Vu All Over Again Department.  The following excerpt is from Wikipedia.

The Carlton Football Club was formed in July 1864.  In the early days, Carlton became particularly strong and having grown a large supporter base became a fierce rival to the Melbourne Football Club in early competition including the Caledonian Challenge Cup, which it dominated in the 1870s.  In 1877, Carlton became one of the foundation clubs of the Victorian Football Association, and was a comfortable winner of the premiership in the competition’s inaugural season.

Carlton was one of first clubs to have a player worthy of the superstar tag: champion player George Coulthard, who played for Carlton between 1876 and 1882, and was noted by The Australasian as ‘The grandest player of the day’.  He died of tuberculosis in 1883, aged 27.

The club won one more VFA premiership, in 1887, but after that, particularly during the 1890s, the club went from one of the strongest clubs in the Association to one of the weaker, both on-field and off-field. In spite of this, the club was invited to join the breakaway Victorian Football League competition in 1897. The club continued to struggle in early seasons of the new competition, and finished seventh out of eight teams in each of its first five seasons.


This week’s pixel puzzle.  For ages Australian Sport assumed the holier than thou position in relation to Uncle Dougs in sport.  Then the clay pedestal upon which we’d mounted our heroic selves began to crumble.  Leaked test results became a torrent of positive tests & confessions.  Which brings us to this week’s pixel puzzle.  How much pressure do you think WADA is going to bring to bear on ASADA to demonstrate some authority and act on what should rightfully be called the Steven Danks Affair?  And do you feel the ASADA Final Report will translate into player suspensions – both AFL & NRL registered players?

But enough of my gabbin’.  Let’s see who’s left in the mix after Round VI.

The Mighties v The Miseries.  For those waiting for the veins on Mick’s temple to burst it was a disappointing night.  The new tranquillizers the club doctor slipped him kicked in well before quarter time and he cruised along in the Coach’s Box until the last change, avoiding any physical or mental trauma along the way.  Unfortunately, so did his charges.  It’s hard to tell if their just naturally slow, but they seemed to have the happy knack of arriving at any crucial contest that split second after it has been decided.  Playing their no-bruise brand of football netted them the princely sum of 19 points by the Kia Ora Cordial Three Quarter Time Citrus Break.  That’s right Wrappers, this is an established team – a Foundation Team in fact – playing under a Triple Premiership Coach at the Elite Level.  With the Whole Football World watching they had kicked 2-7 in three quarters of football on a dry ground.  Their opponents had been lenient and only notched up 10-15.  Which could have easily been 15-10.  Maybe it was a premonition, maybe it was the inclement weather, but this traditional stoush only drew 68,251.  Something for the Ayatollah-in-waiting to consider.  (That’s not a bad outcome all things considered, and it seemed a lot more when you were standing on Jolimont Station waiting the Hurstbridge train to come through – Ed)  True, The Bluebaggers would have been thrown off balance by the withdrawal from the selected side of Waite with a hammy.  (Did you bother to ask Mick when & how he sustained that at the Presser Wrap? – Ed)  The Blues Captain was in everything.  And Young Buckley never gave in, but they were totally outclassed and outnumbered at so many contests it made you wonder how they ever beat West Coast last week.  That the Carlton # 3 headed the free kick count supports the theory that the squeaky wheel gets the grease.  (All justified Wrap.  All justified.  That Macaffer’s an old fashioned scragger and deserves to be umpired out of The Game – Ed)  The Silvertails came home with a wet sail and brought up the twin calicos on no less than eight occasions.  This at least, while saving a little honour – and raised a few questions of both sides – denied The Woodsmen some much needed percentage.  Percentage they’ll, which the -find invaluable if they intend to impose themselves on The Top Four.  And they’ll need to play a more sustained game to match it at  the top.  Did they take pity on Carlton and lift the foot off the throat?  Or had they spent all their pennies?  The Maggies have a bye next week.  When they come back it’s on a Thursday night in Adelaide.  Doesn’t Ernie Sigley bring you down?  The Miseries continue their miserable season on Monday night under cover.  We’ve heard you get a free entry to this one when you top up your Myki card at selected City tram stops.

The Mayblooms v The Seagulls.  This could be the Fred Hesse Annihilation Scoreboard of the Season.  After being tipped to collect the clubs 27th Coveted Timber Trophy in pre-season calculations, The Sainters have been thereabouts.  Until Saturday’s reality check.  The Leafblowers had been off song last week against The Toothless Terrors, but had still managed an 11-goal win.  This week they replaced the spark plug, advanced the timing and filled the tank with Avgas.  They were fairly flying.  It must have been deflating for The Long Suffering Junction Oval Faithful but at least they got to see a Grand Final performance without having to queue for tickets.  As the best Autumn Break since Noah laid the keel of the ark continued, it rained goals at The Home of Football.  The Mayblooms maintained their average number of 11 individual goal scorers.  Leading goal scores on the day, with four each, were Schoenmakers, Breust, Roughead, Gunston & St Kilda.  They kicked 27-13 in conditions that were positively wintery.  True, they had bedazzled their inexperienced opponents, but they kicked 6 – 5 – 10 & 6 goals over Four Quarters of an absolute master class.  They’re certainly building up a head of steam before they go into the bye.  There are even some Students of The Game are suggesting they may have just been teasing The Sleepy Hollow Millionaires a fortnight ago, beguiling them into believing there really is a Kennett Curse.  But out at Waverley they’re JTIOWAAT.  They have The Bloods next up at Homebush to open Round VIII.  The Feeling Faints have The Melancholias on the Shifting Sands to close it off.

The Orangemen v Port Adelaide.  We were wrong.  Somewhere along the way we gathered the impression that this match was being played in The Alice.  Hence the reference to The Dead Heart in the Pre Wrap Analysis.  (It was in the National Capital dickhead, but we can pass it off as a Freudian slip this time – Ed)  The Big Boys From The West Side of The Town made a good account of themselves.  They nearly topped the ton with a super accurate 15-7, but let through 20-12 to go down to a very impressive Port Adelaide.  The Power host last year’s Runners Up for the early one on Saturday.  The Orangemen board the Indian Pacific to take on The Wedgies for the only Sunday match.  That’s right Wrappers – next Sunday is a Footy Free Day so start planning that special occasion for Mum.  Up to the Top of The Range Café & Gallery at Mt Macedon – or maybe the Sky High Bistro & Restaurant at Mt Dandenong.  The Autumn leaves are magnificent at the moment, and you might pick up a feed of mushies on the way home.  Or you could lash out and book in some where around Albert Park Lake.  Beautiful views of the city Skyline across the water.  I’ll leave it to you, but remember, this is the woman who gave you life.

The Mighty Adelaide Crowsv The Fuchsias. Hope you didn’t invest on pride being a precious commodity and a motivation force amongst the Free Settlers.  Because it ain’t.  They kicked 2-4 to The Redleg’s 7-2 to the Long Break.  The Chardonnays showed some fight in the 2nd Half, but The Satans hung on to notch their second win of the season.  And the question has to be asked – are The Fuchsias becoming The Boilover Specialists for Season 2014?  Or are they the team your coach hires to give you a Wake-up Call?  Or The Bagmen’s Favourite?  A few weeks back they rocked Princes Park to its 150 year old foundations.  Now they’ve given Coach Sando something with which to chastise his charges while they prepare themselves to take on The Mighty Magpies in Round IX in the Pipe Opener.  (Even more effective than serpents – Ed)  The Dees have The Doggies OTR on The Hallowed Turf next Saturday Night.  And hasn’t the move from Arctic Park to the Picturesque Adelaide Oval been a boon to Football in South A?  Over 44,000 Punters, Pundits, SOTG, Fans & Faithful clicked their way through the turnstiles.  (Probably to see The Pride of South Australia win a game – Ed)

The Gliders v The Labradoodles under cover on Saturday night.  The Marshmallows got out of gaol on Saturday night.  They may have taken the Four Points, but they can take no pride from their win, other than it was a courageous fight back after coughing up a 19-point early lead.  The Doggies, inspired by Dahlhaus, had hauled that in and led by 14 points at the main Interval.  The Dons showed a bit of what they can do by overhauling that lead in the Championship Quarter with five unanswered majors, and then holding out a determined Footscray attempt to steal the match away from them.  The Human Hamstrings were arguably the better side on the night, but hardly inspired against an opponent that may be in The Cellar, but was far from being in the doghouse.  The Claytons Coach takes his charges up to Balmy Brisbane to take on the side that ended The Bombers’ Premiership run at the end of last century and went on to win the next three.  It’s in the gathering gloom BTW.  The Sons of The West have The Demons on a roll for the main match on The Big Stage next Saturday night.

The Brissy Lions v The Sydney Swans.  No Brown no Brisbane.  The Swans did as they liked and piled on some handy percentage.  A perfect hitout for their big match next Friday night against The Ladder Leaders & Reigning Premiers on The Other Olympic Park to open proceeding for Round VIII.  (Are they playing two teams or one Wrap? – Ed)  By the time Hawthorn’s finished with them they’ll think they have been Ed.  The Roy Boys drag themselves down to Melbourne to take on The Bombers under cover in the gathering gloom.

The Shinboners v The Current Buns.  We promise we will never ever be swayed by disgruntled supporters ever again.  Or show faith in The Inconsistent Kangaroos.  At least not until they can demonstrate they’re worthy of our trust again.  But who would have stood up against Cyclone Gazza and The Current Buns.  Make no mistake, this has been building for some time and it’s going to take a bit of stopping.  Their seven goal to one Opening Stanza was as scary as anything served up by the Powerhouse Hawthorn Attack, and their midfield is as dazzling as their defence is mean.  The Roos fought their way back into the contest in the middle stages but were blown away against in the Last Quarter when they could only manage a solitary major to The Sunbeams’ five.  Make no mistake, these Abletts have the enthusiasm of puppies and are fast maturing into one of the most talented weight for age performers going around.  The Ayatollah can ride off into the sunset knowing his work here is done.  Both sides are taking a rest next weekend.  When they return The Metermaids will be down under cover again to take on The Feeling Faints in Sunday’s gathering gloom and The Shinboners will be at the same venue at the same time on the Saturday.

The Corio Handbags v The Endangered Species.  The conditions were tough and the match was too.  The Moggies got off to a flyer – 3-3 to 0-1 – which in the end was the difference.  The Striped Marvels clawed their way back into the contest and matched The Cats for ferocity. But as is the way of a team finding its way back from the wilderness, they made too many costly errors of judgement and skill.  However, if TLSPRF wanted to know if their Tigers are going to make a go of the rest of the season and challenge for Glorious 9th, their fears were allayed.  The Endangered Species is far from extinct; the return of Rance & Deledio making a power of difference to team balance.  And while the final margin was less than a straight kick, with less than three minutes to go it was 17 points.  Left to lament too little too late The Tigers take a breather before coming back against The Dangerous Melbourne for the Battle of The Co-tenants.  The Pivotonians will be glad to come out of this unscathed.  They may have been lucky when Richmond’s Shane Edwards was denied a shot on goal from the square when he took a half step to playing on from a mark and was tackled.  But on the day The Handbags were just that little bit steadier.  They also have a week at leisure before heading West as guests of the Fremantle Football Club on Saturday of Round IX.

The Western Wedgies v The Barry Crockers.  The Wedgies drew ahead in the Championship Quarter after being jumped at the bounce, but their lead was short lived.  The Dockers blew them away with a flood of goals and despite McPharlin limping and The Iconic Zac Dawson off the field the Weagles forwards – one of their supposed strengths – could capitalize on the opportunity.  Which surely must raise some questions about the way their season’s going.  Sitting 3&4, they host The Orangemen next Sunday arvo in the early one.  For the Barry Crockers, who managed to win without looking super impressive, they are off to The City of Churches to get Saturday underway against The Power From Port.

And remember, if you read it in The Wrap you’ll know it’s not crap.

About John Mosig

I'm an Aussie Rules tragic who can remember, as a four year old, shaking the hand of Captain Blood in the rooms just before he ran out onto the ground after half time, as my Old Man slipped him a packet of under-the-counter Craven A cork tipped. Now it's my turn to take my grandson Ben through the ritual of character building that is the journey through PUNT ROAD to the outside world.


  1. Peter_B says

    Ernie Sigley – love it. He was a Bulldogs man – explains a lot. Hands up Swish, Rulebook and all the Adelaideans of a certain age who had the hots for Glenys OBrien (and Pam Western). Why are these names and faces imprinted in my brain from adolescence?
    Why are Eagles and Kangaroos fans not writing their usual match reports this week? My excuse is that I am still deciding which of Elizabeth Kubler Ross’ 7 Stages of Grieving I should use as the tone for the piece. Anger and denial seem inadequate now. I think I’m onto acceptance (drinking to forget).
    I’m with you on Gillon of the Overflow. I think he uses Squatter as the model for his strategic planning. I think I will be leading the Andy come back – all is forgiven – campaign in a year’s time.
    Thanks Mr Wrap. Your weekly insanity is the only thing that gives me hope in life. Things could always be worse. I could follow the Tigers (or Crows).

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