AFL Round 7: The Pre-Wrap

THE PRE WRAP – ROUND VII – THE UMPIRES’ ROUND

 FOR THE PHILOSOPHICAL MARNGROOK FAN

What a week it’s been in Footy Eddie.  The Fevola Medal is wide open for Season 2013.  With The Same Old Syringes slugging it out with the Ayatollah, punters may have missed the shortening of The Geisha.

With fans throwing up their hands in disbelief and burying their heads in aguish, the real story to come out of the last couple of rounds surely has been from Maggot Central.  And while Punt Road Insiders have voiced concerns of a Revenge of The Geisha scenario, other clubs, less prone to conspiracy theory syndrome, are also suffering from the whimsical week-by-week change for changes sake umpiring direction that the Men From OPSM are having to follow.  This column asks, and the question is an obvious one, is it time to set The Geisha free?  (Unleash the Geisch bumper stickers are available at all good club’s merchandise departments – Ed)

Umpiring interpretations are cruelling The Game, and now that the season is settling into the normal pattern, the top five or six have put up their hand for season 2013, likewise the five or six Cellar Dwellers.  The only real interest that remains is who will make up the chopping blocks for the first weekend of September, and whether the Ayatollah will allow The Wrath of The Football Gods to be called down upon those transgressors out at Melrose Drive.  The danger is, if the job’s not fair dinkum passion can wane.  And one thing the Followers of The One True Code will not suffer is being bullshitted.  (Nor anyone raised on The Sweeping Plains of The WideBrownLand – Ed)  With so many big matches now scheduled for pay TV, confusing umpiring decisions, a chronic overdose of off-field events, and sub-standard administration from a bunch of grandstanders identifiable by the lavish coating of tickets they’ve stuck on themselves, the punters, the fans & even SOTG are wearying from the extraneous overload of drivel, evasion & outright self serving untruths with which they’re being bombarded.  (You sure you haven’t been to one of those retreats with Geraldine Dough & Rachel Kohn have you Wrap – Ed)

And speaking of Whingy Hill, have you been following the latest little verbiage?  In a lame attempt to cover his rearend, the club’s sacked football operations manager, Paul Hamilton – in relation to long-time club sawbones Doc Reid’s hand written warning letter to the Board – says his conscience is clear on the issue.  Now does that mean he, Paul Harrison, passed it on to the board, or a board member, and it vapourized from that point?  And you’d have to wonder about the good doctor’s thought processes at this stage of his long and illustrious career.  Wouldn’t you think that the normal procedure in cases such as this would be to either mail or deliver by hand a letter as momentous as this to the Secretary?  Something just doesn’t smell right here.  And it’s not the blood & bone topdressing on the new playing surface out at Melrose Drive.

But fear not.  The Stalwarts are girding their loins out there where the Mighty Maribyrnong rises on Macedon’s craggy peaks.  Presidents of The Dick Reynolds Club coterie, the Essendonians and the Diamond Dons have all expressed absolute faith in the way David Evans is running things.  (Is absolute faith one step before or the one after being 110% behind the President? – Ed)  However, the Flying Syringe Fund Raising Committee, The What Ever It Takes Club & The Chem Lab Coterie all declined to comment.

Those Same Olders who have taken up the Downright Lie & Procrastinate mantra of innocent until proven guilty could well heed their club’s slogan of 2012 to get though 2013 – WhatEverItTakes.

But enough of my gabbin, let’s see who’s going to be that bit closer to September Heaven after Round VII.

The Pivotonians v The Same Old Syringes under cover tonight.  This is the one we’ve been waiting for – a fair dinkum 1^st v 2^nd Slugout on Friday Night Footy.  You’d cancel all prior arrangements for this one wouldn’t you Wrappers?  The Dons have brought back the players they rested against GWS but have lost Dempsey & the impressive 2012 Stanton.  The Moggies have lost the veteran Corey.  Look, there are emails aplenty directed to the Wrapcave from readers of this column that suggest there is an anti Essendon bias to our analyses of The Bombers and the way they run things out there where the big jet engines roar.  Let us nip these scurrilous accusations in the bud right here and now by declaring The Wrap’s totally & absolute impartiality, especially when it comes to those Cheating Scum out along Melrose Drive.  (Glad you cleared that up Wrap, now can we put off the extra security we’ve been coughing up for since the death threats? – Ed)  Does anyone who wasn’t born within the sound of the Moonee Ponds town hall clock give The Bombers a chance here?   I mean, Scragger Fletcher on the Big Tomahawk is a real stretch foe the old fella.  (Happy 38^th BTW Professor G – Ed)  And as impressive as Carlisle has been this season, on Stevie J and the livewire Geelong forwards?  True, The Marshmallows aren’t without their own attacking forwards, but up against the old team of Taylor, Mackie, Hunt, Enright, & Lonergan, plus the maturing Guthrie, they will need a lot of laces-out delivery.  And that’s just something The Cats don’t allow.  And here’s one for the adventurous, at $1.62 will be loading up on The Handbags being loaded with building rubble.  The Hoopers to win this one pulling away after a titanic struggle.

The Power From Port v The Tigers of Old for the early one over in the Shadows of Mt Lofty.  Not sure how much Benny Gale slipped Wallsie to write that wake-up call to The Tigers in today’s Other Tabloid, about them needing to toughen up, but he should put it all on The Tiges @ $2.15.  (Just on that Wrap, are you suggesting Cotchin would look more like the Richmond Captain in the # 17 Jumper? – Ed)  The Endangered Species have had to leave out quite a few through injury, Cotchin, Vickery, Grimes & Petterd, and dropped the unlucky Matty White.  TLSPRF will be pleased to see Tucky back in favour and Nathan Foley ready for inclusion.  Batchelor is a worthy cover for the injured Grimes.  Make no mistake; they’ll be set for this one.  Port Adelaide has a nasty habit of taking them down a peg or two, and they’ll be keen to return the favour.  The Tealers have made three unforced changes from the team that had to beat North Melbourne as well as the umpires last weekend.  They’re playing Inspired Footy and will be playing before their died-in-the-wool fanatical fans.  Westy & Schultz are killing them but if The Tiges can click – and there’ll be more than jungle drums rumbling at Punt Road if they don’t – they have the over all class to prevail in this one.  Struggletown.

The Lion Kings v The Screaming Eagles up under the palms at the traditional time.  Boss Voss has wielding the axe like a woodchopper on his way to rescue Goldilocks.  Three unforced changes, and he gets his starting XXII pivot man back.  (What’s wrong with saying A. Raines has been selected in the centre Wrap? – Ed)  The other beleaguered coach has lost Kerr & Masten and dropped Sinclair.  He’s regained Rosa, recalled Sheppard & blooded Hutchings.  Look, The Coasters should win, but neither team has done more than take the points against Cellar Dwellers this year.  Anything could happen on the day, but will stick with The Red Hot Pre Season Favourites.

The Western Chihuahuas v The Shinboners under cover in the gathering gloom of Saturday evening.  TLSASF will be uplifted by the sight of Boomer Harvey running out in the Royal Blue & White Verticals once again.  And they will be uplifted by a win that for once is all the way.  The Roos to hop away with this one – easily.  And @ $1.06 they’re the Wrap Safe as Houses Investment Opportunity of The Round.

The Mayblooms The Bloods on the Big Stage for Channel Kerry’s Saturday night broadcast.  They’ll be looking for revenge down at Glenferrie Oval.  They honestly believe Sydney stole a Flag that was rightfully theirs.  Can you believe that?  Compromise & reason are not words you’re ever likely to see on one of those Proud Paid-up & Passionate bumper stickers on the BMV or Range Rover truck blocking your view of the traffic at the lights.  Both teams are unchanged and the contest promises to be a bottler.  Lake on Pyke and The Little Boy From Xavier College – the one that Sheedy cleared for a bag of beans – on the Mercurial Franklin will be decisive contests.  If Battleship Buddy finds the right diff ratio and gets the fuel mixture spot on he could tear this game apart.  Of course The Mustard Pots aren’t as hot without The Squirrel.  (The Whole Football World misses watching him weave his magic way through the congestion – Ed)  Everywhere you look there’s toss-a-coin match-ups.  The Bagmen have got The Lakers out at $2.60.  Now we feel that’s a bit on the generous side.  True, Guerra may find his knock from last week tells its toll during the match.  True, Josh Kennedy will want to put on the traditional blinder against his old side.  True, The Swans play Bloods’ Football.  But also true, The Hawkers play Kokoda Track Football, and they’re on the sort of mission Jake & Elwood would understand.  If you live within earshot of the Leafy East, we suggest you find your earplugs; The Leafblowers are going to be at full throttle right into the wee small hours on Saturday night.  Hawthorn.

The Anchormen v The Woodsmen over there on Saturday night.  No Pav & no Big Laurie; the question is, can The Dockers prevail without them?  No surer way to find out than take on The Lukewarm Pies.  The Maggies have got the rated firepower to win this, and many more, but they’re having a bit of trouble getting all their artillery matched up and pointing in the right direction.  They’ve been slipping back to their default style of play around the boundary.  It’s the sort of game that both Rossy Lyon & The Icon Zac Dawson enjoy defending.  And while they’re best known for their tight defence, they can also attack once they sense the time is right.  This one could really go either way, but we sense that The Barry Crockers are going to prevail here.  And isn’t there a lot riding on this one?  They would have pencilled in four points for every home game, and they’ve already lost one against The Hawks and nearly forfeited one against The Striped Marvels.  That’s right Wrappers, @ $1.25 they’re The Wrap Roughie of The Round.

The Breakfast Point Club v The Free Settlers at Skoda Stadium on Sunday for the early one.  The beneficiaries of Edward Gibbon Wakefield’s grandiose scheme to create a better world for better people in the Shadows of Mt Lofty will be looking to this one to bolster their claims for genuine September Contention.  And on Sunday they should achieve that at the expense of The Beleaguered Orangemen.

The Refractory Redlegs v The Little Rays of Sunshine at THOF in the twilight of a Bleak City Sunday.  They’re going down like cut flowers out at Casey Fields.  Grimes & Co-captain Trengrove will be sorely missed from their line-up.  It brings in one of Brighton Grammar’s Favourite Sons for his debut game in The Red & The Blue.  The other one is still out of sorts, or out of favour.  Which pretty much sums up his team.  We’ll go for the Homeside, mainly because they’re trying to get some mobility into their game plus the on-field leadership of Big Chris Dawes.  Little Gazza will relish the open spaces of The G and will cause the usual number of headaches, and it will be a big test for Young Viney to minimize his influence.  Always the romantics, we’re going for a Boys Own game for Young Jack and The Dees to prevail in an absolute thriller.

The Feeling Faints v The Miseries under cover on Monday night.  Monday night Football, I ask you; what are they thinking about at Jellymont House?  And Channel Kerry is running it against Q&A and The Biggest Loser.  It’s a no brainer.  And while we mean no disrespect to The Culture Club and their long Suffering Faithful, their star, along with their stars, is waning.  I’m sure you don’t need us to tell you this, but St Kilda without Lenny Hayes is a totally different proposition than St Kilda with Lenny Hayes.  Look, the Seagulls will make a good account of themselves, but The Bluebaggers are finally coming to grips with the philosophy of the Stalled Ox.  And at $1.25 they look pretty juicy.

Good tipping and even better punting.

And remember, if you read it in the Wrap you’ll know it’s not crap.

Let’s absorb the wisdom of the ancients for their insight to truth & righteousness.  Something that is in short supply in this ever so modern world.  We would all benefit from setting our moral compass by the words of The Enlightened One and Chief Joseph.

Three things cannot long be hidden: the sun, the moon and the truth.?

It does not require many words to speak the truth

Stop reading if you see this one coming.

Fred was going up to bed when his wife told him that he’d left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.  Fred opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.  

He phoned the police, who asked, “Is someone in your house?”

?Fred said there wasn’t.   The Police Officer then said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available.  

Fred said okay and hung up.  He counted to 30, and phoned the police again.  “Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed.  Well, you don’t have to worry about them now because I’ve just shot them”.  Then he hung up.  

Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response Unit, and an ambulance showed up at Fred’s house and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to Fred, “I thought you said that you’d shot them”.

?Fred replied, “’I thought you said there was nobody available!”

Boom!  Boom!  Now we can all get some sleep.