AFL Round 3 – The Wrap: We’re the Tigers of old, how easily we fold


For the Philosophical Marngrook Follower

Plus ça change, plus c’est la même chose.  What a round it’s been in Footy Eddie.  On Friday night The Purple-People Eaters made a banquet of the Haze That Would Be King.  Then The Tigers of Old showed how easily they fold as The Boys of The Bulldog Breed outran them and out pressured them to eventually sneak in by two points.  The Buddy Bloods came to life over in the City of Churches to put a severe dent in The Pride of South Australia.  The Sunbeams outshone Up-coast Rivals Brisbane to set themselves nicely in the Eight.  The Moggies took the Four Points against The Pies in a lacklustre contest.  And The Feeling Faints made Top Four Contenders West Coast work hard for the Four Points.

Come the Sunday and GWS notched their second win of the season in typical Sydney weather to add to the “WTF have I got myself into” feeling that must be by now sweeping over the Remedial Coach at Demonland.  (Isn’t Hell another name for Demonland Wrap? – Ed)  The Shinboners discovered another barrel of the Inspiring Elixir to finish in front of Port in a thriller.  And less than half the 62,730 who made it through the turnstiles bothered to stay for the requiem as Essendon delivered the last rites of Carlton’s season.

You have to wonder where this not scoring for under 10s came from, wouldn’t you Wrappers?  It’s certainly got our minds off you know who and the impending you know what report.  Hands up those who suspect it came from the spin department at the Appalling Football League?  Hmmm, that many, eh?  I supposed the enthusiasm Craig Hutchison showed in supporting the move was a giveaway.  He sure loves the way things are done at Jellymont House.

We’ve watched a week of feed back here in the Wrapcave, and as with all feeding regimes it has engendered a fair amount of by-product.  So just to add to next year’s tomato crop, here’s our two penneth worth.

As far as removing scoring from Tackers’ Football – to remove the element of winning and losing from the undeveloped minds I’d suggest that, while appearing to be a noble and enlightened piece of social engineering, it may be trying to override a hardwired – and essential – element of the human genome. And as well-meaning as the Mothers of Melbourne may be, they may be, in the long run, doing their Little  Johns and Bettys a disservice.  They’d be far better off teaching them graciousness in victory and stalwartness in losing.

Also, relevant to Our Great Game – if our Tackers are playing in scoreless football matches, their undeveloped minds may not be able to distinguish the shape of the pigskin and may grow thinking they’re playing soccer all those junior years.

Let’s take a goosy gander at the purpose of sport in our community.  Ancient Olympic events for instance.  Pole vaulting was to train participants to be able to clear the balustrades in the village in the next valley full of nubile maidens, harvested grain, cattle and sheep, and other loot.  Javelin throwing, shot putting and discus throwing should need no explanation.  The hop step and jump would indubitably been a precursor for a political career.  Now does life imitate sport or does life imitate sport?  (As obscure as ever Wrap; we’re going to have to cut back on your vitamins – Ed)

But to take this to it’s ultimate conclusion, can’t you just hear the tannoy at Ethelred Stadium announcing – “Look away now if you’re under 10.  We’re going to flash the current state of paly up on the Big Xxxxe Board”.  (And the 90th Psalm will be changed from The days of our years are threescore years and ten; and if by reason of strength they be fourscore years, yet is their strength labour and sorrow; for it is soon cut off, and we fly away to what? – Ed)

And can’t you see those dreamy bag-checkers inside the turnstiles frisking U10 kids for biros and removing the scoring page from the Footy Records.

And we haven’t heard from Julian Disney and the civil rights people yet.

Mothers of Melbourne and other miscellaneous social engineers – get real.

But let’s bury this nonsense with the words of Michael Waugh – described by no less than Paul Kelly as Australia’s next great social poet – have the final say.  Google Maffra Under 10s.  Et al.  This bloke is a rural Redgum.

But enough of my gabbin’.  Let’s see who’s dancing free after Round III

Hawthorn v The Barry Crockers.  Rossy Lyon and Stevedores would have done their homework on this one and no doubt would have run out into the headlights full of confidence.  No one saw what happened on the night coming.  Not even Clarko.  They’ll be back to taking it one week at a time out at Waverly as they prepare for a trip up to the Metricon next Saturday night.  The Mauve Miasma will just have to shut the book on this one and prepare to close off the next Round against The High Flying Bombers over in Perth.

Footscray v Richmond.  The Striped Marvels were expected to kick start their season on the Shifting Sands against an old nemesis of theirs.  The Boys of The Bulldog Breed had other ideas, and by the time Struggletown realized they were in a battle the deficit was over six goals.  The Punt Road coaching staff did something entirely original – they put their Dual Coleman Medallist at full forward and gave him free rein to kick goals.  Ten marks and 4 goals and a score assist later he’s nearly lifted the Tiges to a Famous Victory.  But it would have been a travesty if the Doggies didn’t win this one.  With a couple of minutes to play, and Richmond four points to the good, they did as they’d done all day – they applied pressure, took possession and whisked the ball into attack where arguably the handiest goal kicking sub going around didn’t let them down.  The Marvels take on Carringbush in a do-or-die struggle for both teams.  The Sons of The West are up to Royal Manuka to take on the Giants in Saturday’s gathering gloom.

Adelaide v Sydney.  The Bloods regained their mojo.  Adelaide haven’t had one for a season or so.  A 7-3 to six behinds Final Stanza – with Buddy settling right into Bloods’ Football mode – put the icing on the cake for Steak & Kidney, and even though The Free Settlers hung close on the scoreboard for a good part of the match, they were never really in it.  The Swans host The Roos for the early one next Sunday.  The Chardonnays are under cover for the middle match on the same day.

The Little Masters v Brissy.  The Sunbeams booted 12-3 to 6-3 after half time to win emphatically.  These kids are becoming seriously good.  They are back down the coast for next Saturday night’s clash with TRP.  You’d catch the mail plane in from Augathella in a hailstorm for this one.  It should be a bottler.  The Maroons face up to The Tealers OTR in the Shadows of Mt Lofty at the tradition time on the traditional day.

The Woodsmen v The Pivotonians.  This one had you waiting for Midsummer Murders to start, fair dinkum.  The Handbags never looked like they could lose, nor did The Magpies ever look like they could win.  Despite Jamie Elliot’s sterling efforts.  They have The Tiges on Friday night in what should be a sellout.  Both sides are playing for their seasons.  The Moggies turn the hot water off for The Coasters on Saturday night in another critical encounter.

The Shinboners v Port Adelaide.  This was an absolute thriller.  Plenty of skills and plenty of physicality.  The Power From Port fear no one and it was a Season defining moment when the Final Siren sounded and The Shinboners who were ahead.  They have to do it all again up on Coathanger Bay for the early one on Sunday against The Rejuvenated Swans.  The Power are back on the Adelaide Oval to host The Bad News Bears.

The Bombers v The Silvertails.  Look away now if you can’t stand the sight of blood.  This was farce at the highest level.  They’ve got a heart monitor on the Carlton Coach in case his heart rate spikes dangerously.  They should have it on the team.  Or at least check their pulses before they run out – to see if they’ve got one.  This whole event was low circus.  In a year when the punters are pulling their heads in and tightening their purse strings, the AFL and the CFC can’t be allowed to serve up this rubbish.  True, the CFC has made some awful decisions over the last few decades – their current coaching appointment being close to the standout – but they’ve been treated vengefully by the competition administration.  Their loss of draft picks cost them dearly, and soon after they got back on the A list they found that the cream of the draft had been gifted to the two AFL marketing adventures in soccer and rugby league crazy Western Sydney and up on the Gaza Strip where the last thing on people’s minds is Australian Football.  What the gnomes & marketing gurus at Jellymont House have gravely overlooked is that there’s plenty of footy around Melbourne to watch, and at street level prices for entry and for food & beverage.  The Ammos & the VFL for instance.  The AFL Fans Association is gaining serious traction.  (The mere fact that Hutchy poo-pooed it would signal how serious they are taking it at HQ – Ed)  If clubs like Melbourne & Carlton are going to turn in sub-standard performances they’re just not going to get the punters through the turnstiles nor The Faithful shelling out on memberships.  And his may come as a complete surprise to those ostriches at the Appalling Football League, but the remote control is a powerful weapon.  Games can be taped, advertisements and pre-match drivel can be fast-forwarded and the recorded match deleted if it’s turning out to be a fizzer.  (Are you saying Channel Seven have got it wrong in the pre-match Wrap?  That you have one straight man per comedy show – not one comedian per panel of footy experts.  Come to think of it, it didn’t work with Joffa Boy on the old Saturday Night Footy Show in the 60s, and it’s not working with Mick Malloy on the Saturday Night pre-match – Ed)  Getting off that, Bomber’s Bombers were frightening.  In the post match he came across as a man in complete control – and as a master coach.  You’d be excused for thinking the Kirribilli Agreement may be under a bit of pressure come mid-season.  Not that we would in any way wish to add fuel to the fire started by Tom Harley’s comments.  The next few weeks will sort a few things out.  The Dons are over on the Balmy Indian Ocean Shores of The WideBrownLand to close things off against The Purple Haze next week.  The Bluebaggers join The Fuchsias as they try to fill one bay of the Ponsford Stand for the early one on Saturday.

And remember, if you read it in The Wrap you’ll know it’s not crap.


Knock!  Knock!  Who’s there?


About John Mosig

I'm an Aussie Rules tragic who can remember, as a four year old, shaking the hand of Captain Blood in the rooms just before he ran out onto the ground after half time, as my Old Man slipped him a packet of under-the-counter Craven A cork tipped. Now it's my turn to take my grandson Ben through the ritual of character building that is the journey through PUNT ROAD to the outside world.


  1. Malcolm Ashwood says

    Wrap Adelaide , Carlton and Richmond have got it wrong re the ability on there list
    Spot on re under 10s not keeping score crap .People are voting with there feet re cost , standard of game , Victorians have stopped being brainless sheep and automatically going to the AFL games and yep Ammos is real and is club
    Thanks Wrap

  2. Wrap – I see that the Eagles and Saints are not even worthy of comment.
    Yvette and I will be waiting for you with big sticks.

  3. The Wrap. says

    Sorry Mr. B. I actually missed a couple of matches. A bit rushed at some stage. WCE v StK and The Fuchsias v GWS. JI didn’t catch the game, so I’m not sure if The Feeling Faints put up a solid display or caught The Eddie Eagles in an over-confident off day. Which was it?

    I tried to watch the Sydney game, but couldn’t see through the rain. Judging from the look on Roosy’s face he wasn’t too happy with the Redleg effort. And possibly with himself for getting sucked into this consultancy. But more on this as the season unfolds. this sis going to be one of the stories of Season 2014.

    Do you follow anyone in the Ammos Mal?

  4. Malcolm Ashwood says

    Adelaide Univetsity FC The Worlds Greatest Football Club we are modest

  5. Lovely work wrap.

    A beautiful summation of the tri-colouers finding a lil’ sumpin’ sumpin to get over the rampaging Tigers at the death. The punters who had a head-to-head spec on the Bullies at the Inkerman Hotel on Satdee arvo were reaching for the heart meds in time-on – a game in itself!

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