AFL Round 22: The 2012 ‘Mopsy’ Fraser Cup

Greetings Tipsters

So how was the penultimate round for you? Good for some, great for others, devastating, embarassing and maybe the first waves of relief that pretty soon you won’t have to be humiliated by the silly buggers out there wearing the same colours as yourself.

That’d be the Mosquitoes, wouldn’t it? Early on, the Tiggers kicked long into the forward line, the ball cleared the pack and a chest mark was taken by a Mosquito, who then handballed it to the turf. Goal to the Tiggers. Not that they were playing terribly well either, at times it seemed like the rules had been changed and hands and feet were not to be used, and if they were, then passes were not allowed to touch another player.

Any Mosquito fan ought to be embarassed by those horrible guernseys. They seem to have started a fashion, with the Shinboners and the Party Boys kitted out in similar concepts this weeked just gone. (What’s that? It’s TUESDAY! Where did Monday go?) It could be past players or members or the telephone book, really, because no-one at the ground or watching on teev has a hope of reading those tiny little letters which convey nothing more than the impression that there wasn’t enough dye when the guernseys were coloured. This meant the Party Boys were running around in the colours of the galah. Kind of a shame they won so easily, because if they’d played like the Mosquitoes a writer could really have some fun with that. The Shinboners, who have been known to wear royal blue stripes, had these impressionistic blobs, like a kid had an accident with the watercolours and laid on some white tape over the top so he/she/it could pretend that it was intentional.

“Ooh, little Tyler is just THE most creative little tyke, aren’t you Tyler?” And we wouldn’t want to restrict little Tyler’s creativity with any imperialistic patriarchal constructs like skill and craft and commonsense, would we? Let alone outmoded concepts such as bold colours (red, black, royal blue spring to mind) and simple, readily identifiable patterns.

Brown isn’t a bold colour. It’s neither a primary nor secondary colour. Legend has it that the wife of a long-ago Mayblooms president liked the brown and gold drapes in her parlour so much she insisted that the team wear a similar blend, much to our visual distress ever since. And why doesn’t any AFL team wear green? Aside from a little patch on the Funky Purps much-lamented anchor strip, no-one wears green. There are several subtle shades of red, we’ve even got charcoal grey, but no-one wears green. Is this some residual anti-Irish sentiment dating back to 1858? Possibly, Scotch College and Melbourne Grammar were true outposts of the Empire and hardly likely to be sympathetic to the Irish who were rowdy, drunken labourers, Catholic to boot.

Awright, I got my Celtic blood up now! I’m gonna write to Zeus and request, nay, Demand! That green be introduced onto a teams strip immediately. Eddie McGuire is a good Irish working class lad, I’m sure he’ll be keen on the idea, we’ll just swap those black and white stripes for a field of emerald green with a CFC monogram across the belly. And since it would be silly to call a team wearing green anything other than ‘The Leprechauns’, we’ll get that changed too. Should have it all ready to go on the first week of the finals. Wow, with 70,000 members, the merchandising’s gonna go through the roof!

Confucian Mick will click his tongue in a disgusted sort of tone as he redecorates his new office at Princes Park. Funny how he just decided this week that he wouldn’t mind another crack at this coaching caper. Still, it wasn’t likely that Brett Starr was gonna be hanging around much longer, not after being beaten by the Schoolies.

At least we know who the Top Eight are now. And, thus, the Bottom Ten. There’s a clear two match gap between Eighth and Ninth, we’ve the cream of the possibly oversized crop in the finals this year. Except for the Leprechauns, they’re playing like whipped dogs and will bow out in straight sets.

Cheers Tipsters

P&C, A Stop Privatisation of Footy Production, a division of Trans-Dementia Inc
Brought to you with the assistance of ‘My Chinese Girl’, a collection of 1950s rock and roll with Oriental themes.

About Earl O'Neill

Freelance gardener, I've thousands of books, thousands of records, one fast motorcycle and one gorgeous smart funny sexy woman. Life's pretty darn neat.


  1. Back to form this week, Earl. Black, white and emerald green go ok on racing silks – I remember a horse called Carringhbush carried them. No need to throw out the current strip, just get Tyler to add the “Thin Green Line”.
    Can you give us the playlist for ‘My Chinese Girl’. I was a big fan of David Bowie’s ‘Little China Girl’ but that must have been 80’s not 50’s.

  2. Earl O'Neill says

    China Girl first appeared on Iggy Pop’s 1977 album ‘The Idiot’.
    Playlist for ‘My Chinese Girl’ – all 31 tracks? Damn, can’t post a scan of the sleeve…
    01 – Chinese Boogie – Hytones
    02 – Fuji Yama Mama – Antennas
    03 – Hong Kong – Hi-Fives
    04 – Siam Sam – Valtones
    05 – Ping Pong – Tangiers
    06 – Nay Or Gwor – Ben E. Williams
    07 – Ling-Ting-Tong – Five Keys
    08 – Ichi Bon Tami Dachi – Rovers
    09 – Bamboo Rock & Roll – Nitecaps
    10 – China Doll – Downbeats
    11 – Ching Chong – Pips
    12 – Foo Man Choo – Revels
    13 – Mamie Wong – Ben E. Williams
    14 – Nagasaki – Five Chances
    15 – My Chinese Girl – Five Discs
    16 – Went To Chinatown – Bruce Clark & the Q’s
    17 – Charlie Chan – Sounds
    18 – Chop Ling Soon – El Dorados
    19 – Gomen Nasai – Jets
    20 – Hong Kong – Quinns
    21 – Moo Goo Gai Pan – Rays
    22 – Sukiyaki Rock – Lincolns
    23 – Chinese Rock – Montagues
    24 – Chopsticks – LaSalles
    25 – Rang Tang Ding Dong (I Am The Japanese Sandman) – Cellos
    26 – My China Doll – Glad Rags
    27 – China Girl – Pharaohs
    28 – Hush-A-Mecca – Casanovas
    29 – Ching A Long – Accents
    30 – Ping Pong – Glowtones
    31 – Hong Kong – Screamin’ Jay Hawkins

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