Round 2 – Hawthorn v West Coast: Little Deaths

Unlike the People’s Elbow, reports of my death are not exaggerated.


I awoke Sunday, feeling well.  Chipper actually. I resisted the strong urge to send demeaning messages to lesser souls in stripes or hoops or purple.  Now I can see that this imagined benevolence was actually the earliest signs of things to come.  Protection not providence.


All was well until mid afternoon.  The Avenging Eagle and I were having a joyous week in Melbourne full of footy, music, fine food and catching up with family and friends.


It came on suddenly. 3.20 to be precise. I had hardly Bennell before. Like Justin Clarke’s brain injury, I was overwhelmed by an all encompassing confusion. More than dejected. I was suddenly deJetta’d.


This was an existential life crisis. Worse – a Lecrasis. My emotions started Yeo Yeoing unpredictably. My face Reddened. My Darling the Avenging Eagle called 000 but no one was answering in the coaches box.


The paramedics eventually arrived and asked if I had experienced this before. I told them it was Naitanui. I had felt this way briefly one Saturday morning last October when we were on our European holiday, but I had shrugged it off as a passing incident. Now I felt like I had Duggan a deep hole that I could not climb out of. It was crippling. Worse – Crippsling.


I felt like going to the top of the Ponsford Stand and Hurning myself off. Seeing Schofield, I had lost the Will to live. I was over the Hill. The ambos Shepparded me away from the edge and placed me in a full Nelson for my own safety.


I told them that I felt humiliated. That I had made some awful Gaff in public. Like I had shat my pants in front of 43,000 people. They asked if I was on any medication. I said I had taken a full box of Lycettives.


And a full Butler of menthoids for the pain in my backside. They said they had never heard of it. I told them it was an old remedy. They asked me to spell it.




I was getting pretty toey by this time. Worse – Shuey. The delirium started. I thought I was Donald Trump.


“I blame it all on the McGovernment,” I shouted.


“I have nothing to live for, except for the Avenging Eagle.” Then looking across I was shocked to see that she was in a worse state than me. “OK, except for Josh Kennedy then,” I cried desperately.


It was to no avail. The ambos took me off to the locked ward at the Royal Melbourne where I write this last message in the hope that it finds some signs of life in the western half of our great continent.


The psychiatrists have diagnosed a complete nervous breakdown in the midfield, and no hope going forward.


They say it is full blown clinical dePriddision.


I am on strong medication. The fourth bottle in fact.


I may be gone a little while.




  1. WesternAustraliana at it’s best, PB.

    Of course you now realise my doom and gloom post from the week before was just a cunning plan.

  2. You’ll be right Pete dr macs menthoids as spelt out in the ad for the carringbush would have done the trick. They facilitate great pen work as shown here. Why did dr Mac spell it out was there a close competitor?
    You, mathilde and Dave brown in great form .


  3. Haaa haaa good one Peter. Was I one of the people you thought to contact? If so, thanks for not. If not, why not?
    I will be uncontactable next week if you feel the urge again. With a bit (a lot) of luck you won’t need to. I hope it won’t be like the first derby last year in reverse.
    I could say I share your pain.. but..

  4. Get Wellingham soon PB.

  5. Neil Anderson says

    I wish you could have got the whole Hawthorn team to ‘ feel your disease’.
    Now they’ll think they’re still a happy team as they take on the Bulldogs next Sunday. Luckily Gill’s sexy team will be playing them at Etihad instead of Launceston as in previous years.
    Get well soon although you write even better in your delirium.

  6. Phillip Dimitriadis says

    Love the wordplay PB. Bloody Hawthorn finds a way of taking us to these dark places. May the lord be your Sheppard.

  7. Rick Kane says

    Excuses, excuses, excuses, very WC Evils of you. Just Joshing. Cheers

  8. Daniel Flesch says

    Very clever stuff , PB , in what must have been trying and disappointing circumstances for you.
    However i remain mildly indignant at your description last week of a certain popular, hard-working though inconsistent Hawthorn tall forward as ” a log.”. So i’m glad the Hawks once again Schoenmakered the Weagles how to perform in big games.

  9. Mark 'Swish' Schwerdt says

    You may have overdosed on the F-O-R-D Ford pills PB

  10. Thanks folks. Great to be back in God’s Own state, and watering the garden in stubbies with stubbies.
    Graser – I did say that the Hawks impressed me more than the Dangerfields. Glad I got something right this weekend.
    Nank – Mackenzie’s slow floaty punts were very painful and led to many turnovers. The MCG and the Hawks expose those little weaknesses.
    Lorri – Game on this weekend. Our speed will worry you. But Ross will have noticed how the Hawks bullied us physically.
    JD – Boom tish. Great line. Wish I’d thought of it. I was going down the Record to fit them all in.
    Neil – I reckon you can beat the Hawks in the Lounge Room. Doubt you on the wide ground, like us.
    Lord Bogan – All prayers gratefully accepted.
    Rick – Jason Isbell was the highlight of my week. Extraordinary. Jackson Browne great, but like the Eagles ran second.
    Daniel – I watched Schoey closely on Sunday, and I like his team game in your forward line. Clears out space for the little blokes, and dished off some good handballs to running players. No star, but like a lot of your blokes knows how to play a role. Mea culpa.
    Swish – The Eagles ineptitude gave me the tom tits. I didn’t need pills.

  11. Malcolm Ashwood says

    Absolutely superb,PB

  12. Rick Kane says

    Jason Isbell was fantastic and Eilen Jewell was great. Saw them at the Croxton, a big beer barn in Thornbury and a short tram ride home. Decoration Day, Children of Children, Cover Me Up and Something More Than Free were just a few of highlights.

    Then we saw Brian Wilson on Sunday night at the Palais and we were elevated to a whole other dimesion of melodies and harmonies and music. Cheers

  13. E.regnans says

    Nothing wrong with this patient, doctor.

    PB, that’s some brilliant creativity in the face of the horror (the horror).

  14. Paul Spinks says

    Tremendous associating under brown and yellow oppression, PB. Unfortunately, the best remedy is in short supply – taken orally from a silver chalice once a year. Good luck with the medicare claim.

  15. Luke Reynolds says

    Superb PB, very very funny.

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