AFL Round 16: The Wrap



What a round it’s been in Footy Wrappers.  On Friday we saw The Mighty Magpie Machine mince up another pretender, as they once more came home with a wet sail.  On the Saturday Kardinia Park produced the Fred Hesse Annihilation Scoreboard to take the wind out of The Fuchsias’ sails.  The Mayblooms jumped a Gallant Port Adelaide, then led all the way to hold Top Position of The 2013 Season Toyota Premiership Ladder.  Up in FNQ, The Endangered Species survived the wind & rain to slip in just ahead of The Little Master’s Sunbeams.  The Battle of The Culture Clubs was won by The Old Dark Visy Blues, while up under the palms it was The Funnyboners, once again, providing the laughs.

Come Sunday and Sydney put the spotlight on The Great Western Sydney Blunder 24-27 to 5-12.  The Marshmallows eventual overcame a Brave Bulldogs Outfit that had them watching the scoreboard all day.  And Freo answered its critics with an 8-goal Final Stanza to blow The Wedgies off their perch.

The voting for The KRudd Award for delusional excellence continues.  The latest clubhouse leader has to be good old Sticks Kernahan, doesn’t it?  Cop this bit of camouflage he’s draped over the yawning cracks at Visy Park.  There’s been a lot of talk about our list.  We’ve got a really good list.  We just hope he’s talking about his weekly grocery-shopping list here.  But don’t go just yet; we’re nowhere near the steak knives.  Let’s make (it) known they are capable of far better than that (game against Collingwood) and we will get things right.  We’re very confident we’ve got a very good coach. …. We are going to be a force one day.  While the Wrap Crystal Ball can identify the decade in which the polar ice caps melt, it doesn’t reach that far into the future, but we’ll concede that anything’s possible.  I promise you we’ll get it right.  We’ve got the right people in the right place at this Footy Club.  That’s better Sticks – a politician’s promise.  However, we’re not too sure how much it’s going to buoy the spirits of the huddled masses sheltering from the bitter chills of reality under that scant shelter offered by Black Jack’s Folly: the Legends Stand.

You turned off your server yet?  Turned it off until the flow of gloatagrams with the address tags have subsided?  Yeah, us too.  You know what, I reckon we can turn this around.  Square the series at Lords – our Spiritual Home Away From Home – and go on with this series.  Those To & Froms aren’t all that good.  And about that 1st drop position – they took Khawaja over there didn’t they?  They’ve got give him a chance.  Poor old Cowan’s in the horrors.  Look what happened when they showed some courage and presented Ashton And He’s A Victorian with his Baggy Green.

But enough of my gabbin’.  Let’s see who is going to be able to red-hot keen after Round XVI.

Collingwood v The Pride of South Australia.  With a Jacobean feast of options upon which to glut, Sportz Fanz could be excused for feeling a bit overindulged on Saturday morning.  We flicked between Le Tour, Le Test & La Carringbush.  Every time we flicked onto The Velvet Fog there was Clokey, either taking a power mark, or giving away 50 meters for mouthing off at a decision that went against him.  We were as surprized as you when we came into the office on Saturday morning to check the overnight emails from Merry Olde England.  He’d only managed 2-5.  The Pies won this contest, as was expected, but seriously, BKIBF.  And it could well cost The Woodsmen this season.  If these things were adjudicated on percentage, theirs would have them sitting 10th.  And less than only a couple of percent away from 12th.  The Crows, only a mathematical possibility for September, have The Hoopers over for afternoon tea next Sunday.  The Pies are up to Wally World for a Saturday arvo shindig at the Metricon.

Port Power v The Mayblooms.  This was never expected to be an easy Four Points – and it wasn’t.  However, it was a Convincing Victory, The Hawks two key forwards getting amongst the action.  They have the early one under cover against The Western Staffies next Saturday.  The Tealers will be reasonably happy with the way they played, and to be fair, they had their chances, but the opposition just had too much of everything.  The Power are a game clear of Carlton in 8th, and with an inferior percentage will be going all out next Saturday night on the Shifting Sands when they take on The Feeling Faints.

The Pivotonians v The Redlegs.  Move along please.  There’s nothing to see here.  The Catters are off to The City of Churches next Sunday to stone The Crows.  The Red Sox will be running around the Top End with The Victorious Brisbane Lions.

The Striped Marvels v the Sunbeams.  Records are made to be broken and the longest ever losing streak against The Little Rays of Sunshine has stood since the formation of that proud club.  It’s now legend how The Endangered Species stood history on its head on Saturday.  And yes Nurelle, you’ve got those scores right.  And no, it wasn’t the Townsville Taipans v The Cairns Crocs in a local Knuckledraggers slug out.  Not sure whether we were dealing with a beautiful day, or whether it was the one after – the perfect day – but the wind had the birds grounded.  And they weren’t the only high flyers restricted on the day.  There were 12 goals kicked – six by each side – but the Striped Marvels had an extra nine scoring shots, and that kiddies was the difference between the two teams.  The Tiges will be happy with the Four Points, and having finally got The Blight of Benny Gale off their backs.  They host The Barry Crockers next Sunday in the early one.  The Metermaids have The Monochromes up on the Coast in the gathering gloom of Saturday.

The Miseries v The Feeling Faints.  And what a classy crowd those Bluebagger Faithful are, aren’t they?  (With nothing to cheer about, why not boo? – Ed)  Although it must be said it wasn’t always clear whether they were booing Stinky Milne or urging on The Kreuzer.  The Saints were right with The Paper Blues at the Citrus Huddle, but fell away in the Final Stanza.  The Juddanaught can take the Three Votes, The Silvertails can take the Four Points, and that’s about it.  They’re sitting one out and one back, but Tarport Kid and Nicotine Prince would have more show than Mickey’s Mob.  They host The Tree Kangaroos next Friday night to establish who is the most disappointing team of 2013.  (You’re not forgetting those Big Birds Here To Show Us Why are you Wrap? Surely not? – Ed)  The Sainters host The Power under cover on Saturday night.

The Lions v The Kangaroos.  Fair dinkum, you wouldn’t have North Melbourne in a hamburger, would you?  Let’s quote you their Spiritual Leader after last Saturday’s Famous Victory against The Striped Marvels.  We can make the Finals; we’ll win every game from here.  How long did that last?  One week.  Forget character building; purgatory couldn’t be any worse than having to front up week in week out to watch this lamentable excuse for a Football Team.  They get star billing next week as they take on The Miseries under cover to open Round XVII.  The Enigmatic Maroons are off to Palmerston to take on The Demons on Saturday night.  They’ve jumped The Pussies, shot down The Gliders, and now they’ve driven what surely must be the final nail into North’s 2013 Season.

The Inner East v The Greater West.  Welcome home Andreas.  See the laughing stock you’ve created up there in the New Territories?  Why don’t you leave the suitcases unpacked and just keep going?  This is a cancer of your making.  A cancer on The Game that is going to drain resources and create imbalance and rancour as you and your successor(s) try to salvage the patient.  Resources that could have been much better deployed elsewhere.  Send a forwarding address and we’ll post your Fevola Medal by registered mail.  TRP are off to the western extremity of The Fatal Shore to close off proceedings next week, and probably West Coast’s 2013 Season.  The Folly stay up in Steak & Kidney, but move the match out to the Showgrounds.  They’ll be the witches’ hats for The Pharmaceuticals

The Labradoodles v The Flying Peptides.   The Sons of The West played like The Boys Of The Bulldog Breed when they extended The Bombers.  And they showed some coming of age that has eluded them – other than a few cameo performances – all season.  They take that Newfound Self Belief into the early one on Saturday when they run out onto The Hallowed Turf as guests of The Hawthorn Football Club.  Essendon were under pressure, but like any team in the upper echelons of The Competition, they rose to the occasion.  They have The Bye up at Skoda Stadium at the traditional time.

The Eddie Eagles v The Mean Machine.  The Barry Crockers were tested all the way in this one.  This was the one The Weagles had to win.  Win for local bragging rights and win to keep their season alive.  They stayed with The Stevedores for as long as they could, but this Rossy Lyon coached version of The Purple Haze is very much The Dangerous Dockers.  The Wedgies have a tough run home, starting with The Bloods next Sunday.  The Longshoremen have developed steadily throughout the season and have a running game second to none.  With their Skipper back in front of goals and a tight defensive mindset they’re only halve a game and percentage out of a Top Four Finish.  With only The Tiges & The Power likely to present a roadblock on the run home, they look set to make it.  In fact they start that challenge against The Striped Marvels next Sunday for the early one at THOF.

And remember, if you read it in the Wrap you’ll know it’s not crap.

Just to show great minds think alike, let’s see what Elvis Aaron Presley and Bertrand Russell have to say about happiness & self worth.  With a final say by Johnny Carson.

I ain’t no saint, but I’ve tried never to do anything that would hurt my family or offend God.  I figure all any kid needs is hope and the feeling he or she belongs.  If I could do or say anything that would give some kid that feeling, I would believe I had contributed something to the world.

If there were in the world today any large number of people who desired their own happiness more than they desired the unhappiness of others, we could have paradise in a few years.

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

This one came in from Melrose Drive.  Not sure if it’s from a Bomber Fan out there making sure The Peptides bin their syringes in the appropriate manner, or a disillusioned Bomber Fan dropping his car off at the long term car park as he flees the country and the ignominy of what is surely to come.

Two 80 year old men, Jack and Kerry, have been friends all of their lives.  ?When it’s clear that Kerry is dying, Jack visits him every day.  ?

One day Jack says, “Kerry, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Saturdays together for so many years.  Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there’s football there”.

Kerry looks up at Jack from his deathbed, “Jack, you’ve been my best friend for many years.  If it’s at all possible, I’ll do this favour for you.

Shortly after that, Kerry sadly passes on.  At midnight a couple of nights later, Jack is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to ?Him, “Jack—Jack”.

?“Who is it”?  Asks Jack sitting up suddenly.

“Who is it?  Jack — it’s me, Kerry”.

“You’re not Kerry.  Kerry just died”!

“I’m telling you, it’s me, Kerry,” insists the voice”. 

“Kerry!  Where are you”?

“In heaven”, replies Kerry.  “I have some really good news and a little bad news”.

“Tell me the good news first”, says Jack.

“The good news,” Kerry says,” is that there’s football in heaven.  Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too.  Better than that, we’re all young again.  Better still, it’s always Springtime and it never rains or snows.  Our wives are there too, and young and pretty as ever!  And best of all, we can play football all we want, and we never get tired”!! 

“That’s fantastic”, says Jack.  “It’s beyond my wildest dreams!  So what’s the bad news”?

“You’re picked in tomorrow’s team”.

Boom!  Boom!  Now we can all get some sleep.

About John Mosig

I'm an Aussie Rules tragic who can remember, as a four year old, shaking the hand of Captain Blood in the rooms just before he ran out onto the ground after half time, as my Old Man slipped him a packet of under-the-counter Craven A cork tipped. Now it's my turn to take my grandson Ben through the ritual of character building that is the journey through PUNT ROAD to the outside world.


  1. There was nothing I liked in your report Mr Wrap. The Test score. The Eagles result. The Tigers result. The Carringbush result.
    But most particularly that final joke. Funny and honest – why break the habits of a lifetime Mr Wrap??
    Bah humbug.

  2. Sean Gorman says

    I on the other hand thought it was Wraptacular!

  3. Don’t worry about Mr B Sean. He’s just seen his season flash before his eyes. His rancour can be tolerated, if not excused. In fact we should be sending fruit & flowers to both his good self and the Avenging Eagle. They’ll recover of course – we all do – but this a particularly sad case, and we should be as caring as good taste allows.

    Although the point about the Ashes Test outcome has a rancour all of its own. Annoyingly, it wasn’t the 14 runs that Haddin & Pattinson didn’t get. It was the 14 runs that collectively Watson, Cowan & Clarke didn’t add to the total.

  4. Wrap – if Khawaja gets selected we should all get down to the All Nations and watch him take ten wickets in an inning!

  5. “I promise you we’ll get it right” — this is your sixth year in the chair, Sticks. If you’ve not got it right by now, hand it over to someone who will. The only proviso is that you look outside the current board for your successor. Every director on the Carlton Board is too busy lighting a stick of incense to Richard Pratt for providing what they believe is a ten-year amnesty from actually having to do anything.

  6. Hey Litza,

    Did they get the barbie right last Monday or is it time for a new chef? Did you get your pat on the back, your apology and your “Pratt-wurst” snag?

  7. Neil Belford says

    That joke was quite funny Wrap

  8. Bakes

    I’ve a feeling that the open training session and BBQ were planned in advance, but the geniuses at Carlton retrospectively turned them into apology snags (Pratt-wurst… nice). I was having none of it.

  9. Did I hear right Litza – Sticks was going to make this season his last in the chair, but had to run another year because he’s been designated to tap Mickey on the shoulder? You hire ’em — you fire ’em being the credo around at Visy Park.

    And Dips, if that’s what it takes, count me in.

  10. Sticks’ time on the Board is longer than his time as a player. His legacy as a player — dual Premiership Captain. His legacy as a Board member / President…????

  11. There might have to be a Princes Park Spring to unseat him along with his cronies, eh Litza?

  12. …wouldn’t rule it out

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