AFL Round 12 – Review: The 2063 ‘Mopsy’ Fraser Cup

Greetings Tipsters

It could hardly have come as a surprise to anybody that Melbourne coach, Zheng He, was dumped yesterday.  Club president, Rory Gallagher, has already walked the plank.  Attendances have collapsed, traditional online viewing is negligible and takeup on the three-dimensional view is almost non-existent.

Zheng He’s coaching career will go down in history as one of the most ill-fated of all.  He managed just five wins from the 33 games he was in charge of.  He alienated the experienced players, well, those he didn’t sack.  He didn’t have much of a clue about getting the younger players to work for him.

Yet we all know that the problems have run much deeper than that.  It’s long been a staple of football that success starts with the administration.  Gallagher’s administration has been inept in the extreme.  The decision to keep football boss, Gavin Du Moulin, on the payroll, despite his less than stellar record at traditional powerhouse Fremantle, was a mistake.  The longer he stayed, the worse it became for Melbourne.

AFL boss, Randeep Kumar, took a long deep breath and slapped a bunch of nanos on his forehead as faced the media.  “Yeah, we’re gonna sling em 54 billion yuan and hope for the best.  We’ve got Peta Stuyvesant in there, she’s the best administrator in the league, and the toughest.  But, blooming heck, it’s like trying to plug the holes on the starship Titanic.”

Sports science guru, Nguyen Ai Quoc, will take over the head coaching role for the rest of the season, despite controversial allegations regarding his 30 year history in genetic modifcation and the terrible toll it took on Port Moresby’s triple-flag team once they hit middle age.

The usual experts are making the usual predictions.  Ed van der Jonker, who has repeatedly stated that he lacks the will to coach since leaving West Sydney after taking them to two flags in four years, has been uncommonly ambiguous in his statements.  Gretchen Suzuki, unceremoniously dumped by Darwin after breaking the 26 year premiership drought, has re-established herself as a top-flight assistant coach and still has the hunger to lead a team again.

Dandenong Magpies football boss, Yasir al-Balisi, is another contender.  While he has never tasted supreme success as a coach, he as taken the Geraldton Iskenders to within a whisker of the Last Day in August on four occasions.

Kong Qiu, the 109 year old coaching legend, spoke at great length on the travails facing a new club, of the troubles being faced by both new and experienced coaches, but he spoke them in a Mandarin dialect that has not been used since the Fourteenth Century and suitably qualified interpreters have yet to be located.

Meanwhile, rumours continue to swirl around Essendon Cuddlies’ coach, James Hird III and his alleged use of self-replicating nanobots to repair torn ligaments within milliseconds of the injury occuring.  The sort-of-respected but really-suspected coach has strenuously denied stories that the seven Danihers in his team have been taken over by nanobots, and he continues to state that the mysterious disappearance of three Watsons is sheer coincidence.

Cheers, Tipsters


P&C, a Stop Privatisation Of Footy Production, a division of Trans Dementia Inc.

Brought to you with the assistance of the Afghan Whigs 2014 album, 49 years old and still the best record of the Twenty First Century.


About Earl O'Neill

Freelance gardener, I've thousands of books, thousands of records, one fast motorcycle and one gorgeous smart funny sexy woman. Life's pretty darn neat.


  1. Peter Fuller says

    I’d be very wary about looking at that crystal ball; some particularly frightening visions, which make me wonder if mind-altering substances are influencing what you see.

  2. Its a scary future you paint, Earl. I can see a “Blade Runner” vision of AFL in 2063. The Daniher replicants. “Do Bombers Dream of Electric Sheep?”
    I will be happy so long as Sean Young is in my future.
    Where do I find the African Whigs record?

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