AFL Round 11 – Gold Coast v North Melbourne: The Mighty Rising Damp

By Jamie Simmons

I sold my loyalties to The Football Almanac for the price of one sturdy goat and a basket of decorative soaps. All but one of the latter were eaten by said goat shortly before running off to join the circus, but that is another story. The one thing that was never properly explained to me as I was being branded a Knight of the Almanac Realm, the white hot steel searing my flesh, is that you can never hope to know when you will be called into service. Whether hosting a banquet with friends, lifting a car off a trapped child or just keeping a relaxed eye on the neighbours from inside their bedroom closet, it matters not, I am obliged to cast all other distractions aside for I swore an oath and the people must have their match report.

Guy McKenna courted the media up here on Friday suggesting that if The Gold Coast could match North Melbourne’s intensity in the first half, they gave themselves every opportunity of over running them in the second half. Normally, such prophecy would be accompanied by flowing robes and read from scrolled parchment but the truth is there is nothing mystic about his words. This is simply the 2013 model of North Melbourne that wobbled its way off the assembly line. A shiny exterior no doubt, this baby goes from nought to 12 goals in  2 1/2 quarters usually but trying to grind it into 4th gear is a bugger. Alas the Shinboners have become the AFL’s version of a Dan Brown novel. They start out well enough but you’re guaranteed a disappointing finish. These things said, to denounce North any further would do injustice to Gold Coast’s endeavour and evolution as a club. The same side I saw strangled by Fremantle five weeks ago has learned the value of closing space around contests and tackling pressure and replicated them perfectly.

It would be all too easy to focus on the amphibious performance of one G.Ablett on the night but the Suns continue to grow as a collective and should be praised as such. Though privileged as I am to watch him create his own folklore, one inspirational game at a time, what could I possibly say about him that hasn’t already been said about the man and said better?

What I can say with a degree of certainty is that the name “Gold Coast Suns” is now officially ironic and I’m not referring  to their largely nocturnal fixture. Improving as they may be, a Gold Coast win at home is still vastly less likely than the certainty of being pissed down upon from above, EVERY..SINGLE…TIME! I mean, team names change all the time people so why not capture the real essence of  the game day Metricon experience and do away permanently with the “Suns” misnomer and roll out the “Gold Coast Damp” in time for NAB Cup duties or throw our collective support squarely behind the mighty “Gold Coast Early Showers with Rain Developing” in season 2014. Droll? Sure, but would not a few eyebrows be raised in a clash between say, The Collingwood Employeds and the Sydney Affordable Housings? I dare say there would.

The weather aside, the single biggest disappointment for me on the night was the taciturn display of one Brad Scott in the coaches’ box. Scotty is old school tough. He shaves with a cheese grater and shouts at kittens for fun and I was rather hoping for a little of his supercharged histrionics on the night. Yet, regular crosses to the Kangaroos box hoping for fireworks were met with solemnity, suggesting either acceptance of a superior work rate from the opposition or that a pre-game colonic had hit its mark. Perhaps the club doctor slipped herbal tea into his Powerade bottle whilst he was busy punching his way down to the half time address. Either way Scotty, it’s shaping up as a season to forget but if it ever gets too much I can hook you up with a lovely collection of decorative soaps. Just don’t trust the goat.


Gold Coast   0.1     5.6     7.7    9.12    (66)

Nth Melbourne     4.2    5.2   6.2   8.3   (51)



Gold Coast – Ablett 2, Lynch 2, Russell 2,  Shaw, Harbrow, Hall 1

Nth Melbourne – Thomas 2, Petrie 2, Black 2, Gibson, Wells 1


Gold Coast – Ablett, Harbrow, Prestia, Lynch, Shaw

North Melbourne – Cunnington, Gibson, Wells, Thompson

Umpires:  Ryan, Chamberlain, McInerney                                                                                Crowd: 10,891

Our Votes: Ablett (3), Harbrow (2), Prestia (1)

eather aside, the single biggest disappointment for me on the night was the taciturn display of one Brad Scott in the coaches’ box. Scotty is old school tough. He shaves with a cheese grater and


About Jamie Simmons

Born in Melbourne, a third generation Fitzroy supporter, in 1972 before emigrating to Tasmania during The Great Broccoli Famine of 86. Leaving my island lodgings, largely at the request of locals, to settle once more on the mainland in 1997. These days living out a peaceful existance on the outskirts of Brisbane, where I spend most of my time serving as a fashion warning to others.


  1. Andrew Starkie says

    the sight of Scott chin on hands, phone on the hook while Black battled against 2 opponents for the last term was not good

  2. Usually I don’t comment on poor North Nelbourne performances. This week I have absolutely no comment

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