A moment of clarity

With the release of the ASADA interim report Channel Seven offered another insightful panel show to bring clarity to a messy situation. I found it so fascinating I wanted to share a transcript of the program to enlighten all of our readers, especially our beleaguered Bombers supporters:

BRUCE: Welcome to a Channel Seven Special AFL report. I have with me a group of middle aged men lounging in comfortable chairs and calling themselves experts for a remuneration.  So the specifics of what happened is that something almost happened today, but didn’t.  If something does happen we’ll get straight to it after we can confirm that nothing happened. I’ll start by asking Tim. Tim, were you shocked by what almost happened?

TIM: Can I just say Bruce If a decision had been made the players would feel vindicated, however, as you know Bruce I’m completely conflicted, so I can’t say anything.

BRUCE: But if you were allowed to say something you would?

TIM: Absolutely. Definitely Bruce.  If something happened that would allow me to say something, I certainly would. But I can’t.

BRUCE: So just confirming nothing has happened, but something might. We now cross to Jimmy Scoop at AFL house.

JIMMY: Bruce, a high ranking AFL official just walked by me and almost said something.

BRUCE: He almost said something?

JIMMY: Yes Bruce, I’m sure he was going to say something. In fact his mouth did open and I thought he was going to say something, but he didn’t. He may have just been breathing, but my reporter’s gut instinct tells me he wanted to say something. In fact, he ended up just walking past me.

BRUCE: Saying nothing then?

JIMMY: No Bruce, not nothing, almost something.

BRUCE: Fascinating. We’ve got AFL legend Leigh here for his insights. What do you think Leigh?

LEIGH: Well Bruce, as far as I could see nothing has happened.

BRUCE: But something could happen?

LEIGH: Anything’s possible I guess.

BRUCE: What about what happened in Brisbane today?

LEIGH: Well something definitely did happen in Brisbane today.

BRUCE: What happened Leigh?

LEIGH: I don’t know Bruce, I’m no longer connected with the club, so I don’t know what happened.

BRUCE: Fascinating, thanks Leigh. AFL data expert Dr Exposition how do you see the situation?

DR EXPOSITION: Through glasses Bruce, I’ve been wearing them since I was five.

BRUCE: That’s tremendous Doctor. What have you found?

DR EXPOSITION: Bruce, we’ve gathered data over an indeterminate period and can confirm that nothing didn’t happened, but that something definitely almost did happen. However there is no evidence to determine anything has happened.

BRUCE:  What do you see happening tomorrow?

DR EXPOSITION: Completely different from today. Statistically speaking, we’ll definitely probably almost certainly see something almost happen tomorrow.

BRUCE: So you can confirm tomorrow?

DR EXPOSITION: No I can’t confirm tomorrow, because it will be today.

BRUCE:  Thanks doctor. So just recapping; what almost didn’t happen, but could happen at any moment, nearly did happen. Next up I’ll say “Buddy” seventeen times to keep the viewers interested.


  1. What are you saying Matt? That the Broadcast Rights Holder is all over this?

    And are you sure he said Buddy 17 times? I only countered 14, but it’s possible I may have dozed off at some stage.

    Right after Bruce said Welcome to a Channel Seven Special AFL report.

  2. Wrap, I hear the AFL could be charging Channel 7 for bringing the game in to disrepute.

  3. Good one Matt. All too accurate I’m afraid. Can’t wait to see next week’s panel that is discussing Buddys new haircut.

  4. Thanks Matty Q.

    I missed it because it was on at 9.30pm which, as you know, is later in the west

    Why didn’t they have young McVeigh on the panel? He couldn’t have added some fascinating insider’s insights.

  5. Andrew Fithall says

    Excellent factual reporting Matt. My son informed me last night that the only scoop achieved yesterday was when the Mr Whippy van attended the scene.

  6. …and our old mate Luke Darcy – standing up for ‘top blokes’ everywhere.

  7. Neil Anderson says

    I landed on this load of shite halfway through by accident. All those serious faces and I thought, what have I missed. A few five minute segments and a lot of ads later and I realized it was a big con job exactly as you have satirized Matt.
    I started to get suspicious when in all honesty Bruce asked Tim Watson if he had spoken to Jobe today. And then Tim keeping a straight face said, “Well no I haven’t because he’s (Jobe) been a bit busy…but we’ll catch up later”. So still nothing.
    The question I would love to ask Bruce last night is, ” Did Channel 7 really fly you over from Adelaide to put on a show about nothing?
    I suppose he’d say, well it worked for Seinfeld didn’t it.

  8. daniel flesch says

    I’ve had enough of the game being brought into disrepute . It’s high time to bring into datrepute .

  9. Peter Flynn says

    I missed this dross.

    Thanks MEQ for bringing me up to speed with your funny wee-take.

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