A grievance from the ‘Unrealistic Attempt’

 

 

‘Unrealistic Attempt’

 

You know, I’ve gotta be the most misunderstood aspect of Aussie Rules. I mean, the way umpires cruel me, you’d reckon they’d never seen a Buster Keaton film? That or half the sh*t Gary Ablett did.

 

Yessiree, every time a player tries something a little lateral, the maggots are all over me. They’ll blow their whistles with impunity, believing that even the most one-eyed fan isn’t gonna raise an objection. They’ll even shape smug expressions to make me feel preposterous – especially when I’m hatched by an ungainly tagger, who flew as though being catapulted, before plummeting capsized to the ground.

 

Yep, umpires have a real problem with conceptualising what I’m about. But if only they expanded their imaginations a little, you know? Or suspended their disbelief? Sh*t, it works for moviegoers and Marvel studios, so why not the AFL? I mean, every CGI film is chockers with superheroes pulling off unrealistic crap, so why not throw me a bone once in a while and embrace my stuff? Doing so just once or twice a game would sure add some box office friendly ‘green screen’ effects to the spectacle, don’t you think? It could even take the AFL from the ‘G to the cinema? And dare I say, Cannes!

 

Anyway, as frustrated as I am with the umps and the rules committee, my biggest beef is with the fans. I mean, why aren’t the one-eyed ones up from their seats whenever I’m paid? They do it for soft frees and umpiring howlers, but never me? Like, they make me feel as forsaken as a 50 year old who laments they’ve become invisible to the opposite sex. Or in the case of the objectumsexual, invisible to periscopes and Kodak cameras.

 

But yeah, you never hear a peep from the fans. Not a single boo. Nothing from Joffa or Molly or Kenny Williams behind the goals. Just once I’d like one of ‘em to holler, “Unrealistic my arse!” Or, “We drafted that kid from Cirque du Soliel!” But all you hear from ‘em is chuckles.

 

So yeah, it’s a tough gig being an ‘Unrealistic Marking Attempt’. It’s little wonder I haven’t developed a complex. But as much as a problem as it is for me, it’s more for the game. ‘Cos right now these rules only affect the specky … but they could one day metastasize and we’ll get unrealistic attempts to kick goals!

 

 

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