7 burning questions (and 7 charred answers) as we approach the second week of finals.

The first week of finals action has come and gone and if you’re anything like me, you’ve been Carl Sagan-ing it all week, itching to discover what lies ahead in the deep unknown that is week two of the finals.

 

Well Sagan no more, as we’ve identified the questions you didn’t even know you had and discovered the answers you were almost certainly better off not knowing.

 

Question 1:

 

Now that there are no Western Australian teams remaining, will Channel 7 find a way to keep Peter Bell involved in their broadcast, given he is the most insightful commentator appearing on our televisions right now?

 

Question 2:

 

What will Michael Firrito do with his spare time following retirement? Perhaps a move into acting, as he would make a great ‘guy in the movie who dates a mobster’s daughter, screws up an important family “business transaction” as a result of unnecessarily trying to impose himself physically on proceedings, and starts the following Wednesday’s commute with a garrotting’.

 

Question 3:

 

When does the Steve Johnson Law and Order episode air?

 

Question 4:

 

If Sydney go out in straight sets for the second consecutive season, which elite key forward will they poach to fix their lack of speed in the middle of the park?

 

Question 5:

 

Are the next few weeks pointless because every talented finalist under the age of 26 will defect to Hawthorn at season’s end anyway due to “fear of missing out”?

 

Question 6:

 

If Adelaide manage to force a preliminary final against Geelong, will Fox Footy be able to resist replacing their entire weeks’ worth of programming with a still image of Patrick Dangerfield?

 

And The Simpsons inspired AFL question of the week:

 

Without knowing exactly how far the Giants will go, would you say it’s time for football fans to crack each other’s heads open and feast on the goo inside?

 

A1:

 

Haha no. Why do you need to listen to Peter Bell anyway? Are the subtle yet astute observations of Brian Taylor not enough for you?

 

A2:

 

I figure it’s either that, or, if acting isn’t his cup of tea, he could easily forge a niche as “that guy you call when you need help building a retaining wall with little notice”.

 

A3:

 

Not next week apparently. Perhaps if they wait a little longer, they can turn it into a two part special with Shane Mumford and Toby Greene.

 

A4:

 

Jeremy Cameron? Tom Lynch? (Gold Coast version of course. For all of the Adelaide version’s qualities, gingers rarely sell tickets unless they’re named Ed Sheeran). Perhaps more importantly, will it cost them more or less than the $1.5 million they’re due to pay 34-year-old Lance Franklin in 2021?

 

A5:

 

If I know anything about young men, a guy named ‘Jaeger’ is probably a trendsetter. Will be hard for his mates Tom and Ty to resist moving in with him. Ty’s mates probably won’t be too devastated to see him go if they replace him with Dion from the Coast though.

 

A6:

 

Definite possibility. They’ll want to clear the slate so they can devote all resources to developing new content for the thirty minute pre-game that Friday night. And by “new content”, I mean slow-motion overlay of Dangerfield and Sloane while a voiceover very dramatically says “BEST MATES NOW COMBATANTS”, interspersed with footage of Dangerfield surfing in a suit.

 

A7:

 

Yes I would Kent. No. Let’s all take a moment to breathe. It seems most spent Saturday afternoon pointing at the AFL screaming ‘look at the monster you have created!’ and handing out pamphlets claiming the four horseman of the AFL apocalypse had arrived.  The Giants look like the Harlem Globetrotters at least once every six weeks, but they’re yet to do it for a month straight. I’ll wait another few weeks before I write-off the next five years of competition.

 

Hope that cleared things up.

About Adam Ritchie

My name is Adam. I started watching football with two fellow parapsychologists in an abandoned firehouse. When we’re not watching footy, we’re running our own pest control business. What do you mean I stole that from Ghostbusters?

Comments

  1. Very good. I reckon, should Adelaide win, the AFL should go all out and move the prelim to Adelaide Oval following a generous additional donation from all media outlets. Then they could have all that additional footage of Dangerfield arriving at the airport to be greeted by a radio station’s embarrassing rentacrowd and say ‘City of Churches’ a lot. They could possibly dress him as the pope on the front page of a paper.

  2. Ben Footner says:

    Don’t forget a witty headline or two Dave – like “Danger ahead”/”Dangertime”/”Clear and Present Danger”/”Danger and the Sloane Ranger” etc and etc.

  3. An excellent set of questions and answers. Surely Tom Lynch is among the best gingers to have played for the Crows, with Ben Hart the standout. I can’t recall many others, not that we contemplate their hair colour too often. But we do rejoice in the wise absence of man-buns in the tricolours.

    Yes, enough with the Danger puns already.

    “Garrotting’” a wonderful, if grisly word. Almost onomatopoeic.

    Nice to read you here again, Adam.

  4. Current squad is flush with them, Mickey. Jacobs, Otten’s beard, Cheney, Gore, O’Brien

    And then there was Rocket Maynard

  5. Well yes, Dave. Apart from those!

    Rocket must’ve won about fourteen Mail Medals.

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