2nd Test, Adelaide, Day 3: Shane Watson is a complete idiot

Look, there’s no doubt that Australia are way in front in this Second test and are heading towards a crushing victory and a 2-0 lead in the series that few of us saw coming.

England are rattled. Our fast bowling, led by the resurgent Mitchell Johnson, has been full of venom and spite and our opponents are playing poor shots and second guessing the deliveries they’ll face and playing their defensive innings in their heads or, worse, in the dressing room whilst padded up.

So, we can move past this stunning day of superior cricket and look at specifics.

Churlish as it may seem then, can we talk about Shane Watson.

The only thing that moved faster than a Johnson thunderbolt was the pace a thought takes to move through Watto’s brain. Like a car with diplomatic plates on a German autobahn, with nothing to stop it and at enormous speed, ideas and instructions must pass through Watto’s heads and out the other side with alarming pace.

Let’s be realistic and honest about the bloke. Talented as he is, so was/are the Poo, Tomic, Fev and others who flattered to deceive. Give me someone who knows his limitations and works with it (Colin Miller, Paul Reiffel and possibly Bailey) or works hard at his craft to succeed (Langer, S Waugh, and possibly Johnno) instead of the talent that Watto has wasted inside his body and brain.

A wag once wrote that God had a sense of humour in putting Shane Warnes’s ability inside Shane Warne. I also read somewhere once that when God made France, he sat back and realized it was so beautiful that he needed to compensate, so he filled it with French people.

Watson would be rejected as playing Lenny in “Of Mice and Men” as the directors would not believe someone could actually be that dumb.

The scenario is we are about 400 ahead, we sensibly bat again, looking to grind the English bowlers into the ground after an abject failure of a performance in this test and the Gabba, with only a few days break to the Perth test, and to build an even more massive and soul-crushing lead and destroy their batsmen. We also want to give our bowlers a spell.

So, after the unfortunate dismissal of Rogers, Watto strides to the crease like a vacant colossus. Second ball, with instructions in his head of building an innings fading to black, he reaches out wide to a delivery that should be left alone at any stage of any innings and restores Carberry’s fielding credentials after his let-off of Haddin in the first innings.

This bloke makes Homer Simpson look like Steven Hawking, and the intellect of Dr. Karl would be hard pressed to work out what’s going on in this bloke’s vacant space inside his two ears.

In Brisbane, he was bogged down for what for a player solely focussed on both himself and limited-over cricket must have seemed like a lifetime (three overs) before he played a stupid shot and gave an easy catch in the second dig. Innings one in the first test saw him waft at a delivery that he had not right to play at and innings one here, after  working reasonably to a  50, go to a soft dismissal.

His year looks like this:

  • Suspended from playing in India for behavioural reasons
  • Storming home in a fit of pique
  • Bagging the powers that be in Australian cricket
  • Basically giving the game away
  • Being a destructive influence around his skipper
  • Captaining the side!!!!!
  • The poorest use of DRS (repeatedly) that you could imagine
  • A century in a dead rubber
  • Smashing into Brad Hodge
  • Being a complete idiot on a regular basis.

This guy hasn’t got the brains god gave meat, and although having the intelligence of a tree stump isn’t a pre requisite for being a Test Cricketer, you’d think he’d have cricket smarts at least.

But no, the self absorbed Watto looks to play shots for himself, not his team, and goes second ball, exposing his skipper early in the second dig.

His batting average is at that of Haddin’s, Warner and Haddin have more 100s, and he’s possibly the most self-interested and absorbed cricketer Australia have had, with no single thought for his team or mates beyond what benefits him

With two days to go, the focus will be on batting tomorrow and then asking the tourists to bat for about 5 sessions, already shell-shocked and bereft of ideas and facing a fast pitch in a few days with bowlers short on rest.

So, Day 3 was clearly ours with Johnson’s efforts one for the ages, possibly even ahead of his stunning Gabba all-round performance.

And we’ll go to Perth, only worried about resting bowlers and keen to clinch the series.

But lost in the heroics of today, is a snap shot of the frustration that is Watto.

This guy is not a team player, without a cricket mind, and not someone who plays for his mates or skipper.

Warner, for all his faults, is developing into someone who learns and studies, corrects and works, and places a value on his wicket that we thought unlikely a season ago. Johnson has worked to improve himself, taken advice, listened and worked for his team.

They got out the full length mirror and had a good hard look at themselves.

Watson gets out his mirror and just admires himself.




About Sean Curtain

"He was born with a gift of laughter, and a sense that the world was mad". First line of 'Scaramouche' by Sabatini, always liked that.


  1. mickey randall says

    Disappointingly accurate Sean. Love the Of Mice And Men reference. I’d certainly have Lennie “tend th’ rabbits” well before Watto.
    He must have used up all of his chances. If we head to Perth 2-0, axe him and give someone else a hit.

  2. Malcolm Ashwood says

    Sean there have been plenty of people who are as dumb as dog shit but are sports smart to say , Watto is not sports smart and just does not get it is a massive understatement . I am yet to hear a complimentary comment about him from any ex player on the side not in the media dribble which is given out to the public
    The line harsh but fair is spot on re this article but if we keep winning he will survive and ironically his bowling could yet be v imp here and in , Perth

  3. Andrew Starkie says

    What, you’ve only realised this now, Sean?

    Poms not up for the fight so far.

  4. Andrew Starkie says

    But seriously, Watto as captain after how he had behaved prior was Austn cricket’s lowest moment.

  5. Agree with you totally on Watto Sean. But I reckon there are a lot of passengers in the side at the moment.
    Clarke, Warner, Haddin, Johnson and Lyon are doing most of the heavy lifting.
    Harris and Siddle are always hard at it, but they were looking tired and bowling half rat power yesterday when they couldn’t get Monty out.
    I have spoken to Invers – Harms, Curtain, Reynolds and Flynn are coming in for Rodgers, Watson, Smith and Bailey at the WACA.

  6. Luke Reynolds says

    Agreed Andrew, Watson captaining Australia was an embarrassing and ridiculous decision that upset many cricket fans in this country.

    Well written Sean. Watto still has two more Tests this year to add to that impressive list of ‘achievements’.

  7. In the (paraphrased) words of one PJ Flynn…..:
    We will not look back fondly on the “Watto era”.

  8. Sean, It’s like shooting fish in a barrel, as they say.
    Hard to miss. But good whack, regardless.
    Andrew, Luke, agreed here, too.
    What were they thinking? Behaviour, behaviour, behaviour. It’s not rocket surgery.

  9. Malcolm Ashwood says

    Sean fought up with , PJ Flyn yesterday at the test and while talking about this article remarked , Watto wouldn’t want to discover the , FA site as it is fair to say we have given , Watto a fair dinky roasting for about , 3 years now ! Great line , Flynny and I say good on us at least we are having the guts to be honest about the illustrious underachiever

  10. sean
    please do not insult “lenny”
    john steinbeck is the greatest author of the 20th century; lenny taught many things to many people and if there were more lennys around we would be in a happier place
    shane watson is a classic example of gen Y- priveleged beyond belief – send him to afghanistan for a few months

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