Not so classical sporting physiques

by Chris Riordan

A counterpoint to last week’s Q.

Last week we established that many “athletes” don’t necessarily cut it as sportsmen.

This week I want to celebrate – and with my physique, believe – that being “cut” is not necessarily the criteria for success.

I’m piecing together an Aussie XI and need help with it and a (Gatting led?) Pommy opposition.

I am sure other sports – think Golf, Boxing, even Aussie Rules, will have nominees for this category.

first draft Aussie side…a bowler short….

W. (Big Ship circa 1921) Armstrong

Stacky (blocking the fans’ view when in slips)

Gary Cosier

Greg (Fat Cat) Ritchie

Mark Cosgrove

“Boof” Lehmann

“Iron Gloves” (phase of) Marsh

Gus Gilmour


“Big” Merv

Tony Dell


  1. John Butler says

    Mick Nolan.

    Add Maxie Walker to the attack?

    Craig “the Walrus” Stadler

  2. Peter Flynn says

    Colin Milburn

  3. John Butler says

    Kipper Cowdrey

  4. Peter Flynn says

    Jesse Ryder, Dwayne Leverock

    Most dart players.

    I once saw the Walrus in a Troon supermarket. He was in the process of purchasing about a month’s worth of crappy frozen food.

  5. Colin Cowdrey ,
    Eddy Hemmings ,
    “Late era” Botham,
    Allan “Legga” Lamb,
    David Bairstow

  6. Eric The Eel.

  7. John Butler says

    Eddie the Eagle

  8. John Butler says

    Dillip Doshi (looked more like your local librarian)

  9. Phil Dimitriadis says

    Long John ‘played better when I drank beer’ Daly.

    And some call Golf a sport?

  10. Stuart Dew mark II

  11. Damian Watson says

    Brian Taylor?

  12. Neil Walker of the Waaia Football Club, goalkicking legend.

  13. Steve Healy says


  14. Maybe Shaquille O’neal from the NBA ?

  15. Stephen Fry

  16. John Butler says

    John Howard

  17. dave latham says

    Arjuna Ranatunga has to be captain. Under the proviso he does not eat his team mates.

  18. Who was the fat Zimbabwean who McGrath unsuccessfully sledged?

  19. dave latham says

    Morgan Changari?

  20. #18. Come on Crio, that’s very un-PC!

  21. You have to say “horizontally challenged” now…

  22. A comedian recently lamented that he can’t make fat jokes now he has lost weight.
    In this instance, it was McGrath’s “How come you are so fat?” that led to the famous retort.

  23. dave latham says

    …which was?

  24. The player was Eddo Brandes and the conversation is not suitable for these pages but can be easily googled!

  25. dave latham says

    Did Graham Yallop had a touch of flabsy flab flab?

  26. Prince Fielder – Milwaukee Brewers 1st Base – Just under 6ft tall, weighs in at around 130kgs.

    Vegetarian since 2008.

  27. dave latham says

    #26 I’m guessing potato chips form a staple part of his vegetarian diet.

  28. Rene Kink

  29. He will not be happy with me saying this, but…
    Ian “Chops” Rickman, Williamstown VFA goalkicking star
    from the late 80s and early 90s.

  30. smokie,
    Thats a big call on Chops.
    Les Bamblett I’d have accepted!

  31. Phil Dimitriadis says

    Grenville Dietrich. First four letters of his surname ironic.

  32. Phil,
    Last 4 letters adjectival!

  33. Mark “Tubby” Taylor. In the name. Can’t believe it’s taken this long!!!
    Carlos Hernandez of Melbourne Victory is not quite as fit as say, Cristiano Ronaldo. Carlos is one of the best ever in the A-League though. Brazilian Ronaldo wasn’t exactly in shape at AC Milan or Corinthians, and neither was Rivaldo in his stint at Adelaide

  34. dave latham says

    King Kong Bundy was pretty fat – even for a wrestler. You need at least to be able to move.

  35. Has Eddie Hemmings got a mention next?

  36. John Butler says

    #35, yes, at #5.

    King Kong Bundy! Inspired.

    On that basis, Andre the Giant should rate a mention.

  37. Damian Watson says

    Graham Gooch, Billy Swan.

  38. The “I Can Help” Billy Swan or “father of the Great Dane”?

  39. Phil Dimitriadis says

    34 & 35. Great stuff Dave and JB. Used to love Bundy’s ‘avalanche’ and then his insistence on a five count. What about Adorable Adrian Adonis or Dusty Rhodes?

  40. Damian Watson says

    Dane’s father, the Williamstown player who booted the winning goal in the 1990 VFA Grand final.

  41. I used to have a TriAthlete buddy who once came to a Vic Open Golf Tournament with me. We wsatched old pros smoke a pack of Winnie Reds, sign off and go for a beer. He hated that I called these blokes sportsmen!
    Craig Parry actually “lost” his swing when he tried to trim – the clubs’ arc around the gut changed.
    Woosy was another who did not fit the “could’ve chosen any sport” category!
    Today’s college golf graduates seem less interesting.

  42. #37 And speaking of great VFA players, Freddy Cook lost his athletes body quite early and then spent the latter part of his football career filling his body with other substances not conducive to an athletic build or high sporting performance and despite it all was one of the greatest VFA full forwards of all time.

  43. dave latham says

    #39 I think we’d have to concede that the avalanche, essentially falling on someone and suffocating them with blubber, was the only option for Bundy.

    Brutus the Barber Beefcake had a lot more options at his disposal, included concealed ‘monkey wrenches’ in his velveteen gloves or booties.

    I still remember Vince McMahon commentating on Brutus’ use of the shifting spanner, when the ref was distracted by Jimmy Hart, and claiming, ‘you can’t do that’. Only to have Jesse the Bopdy Ventura retort ‘that’s a perfectly legal manoeuvre McMahon.’

  44. Mark Schwerdt says

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