Why Carlton Will Win The Premiership.


By Alex Wadelton


After failing to secure a September victory since Brett Ratten took over as captain in 2002, it was a relieved nation that celebrated vigorously when the Blues overcame arch-rival Essendon in last year’s Elimination Final. At least that’s what went down in Bizarro World.

In the real world, Australia celebrated Carlton being knocked out by a non-Victorian team by less than a kick for the third straight year.

Nonetheless it’s hard not to think that the upward swing of Carlton will continue unabated, with youngsters like Marc Murphy, Bryce Gibbs, Chris Yarran teaming with the likes of Matthew Kreuzer, Jarrad Waite, Eddie Betts and Andrew Walker to put The Fear into opposing players, coaches and supporters alike. Gee, that really sucks.


Brett Ratten coaches liked he played- albeit with less actual kicking and handballing and more drawing diagrams and moving magnets around a whiteboard. He’s tough, uncompromising and all sorts of other clichés. Whether he’s a master coach has yet to be determined, but one thing’s for certain, he’s the best coach of Carlton in AFL history named Brett Ratten.


Matthew Kreuzer’s comeback from his knee reconstruction was steady last year. But with a full pre-season and a slim downed body, pundits expect the Kruize to add another dimension to Carlton’s playing- making them the only side able to play in 4D. Obviously, this will enable them to slip through glitches in the space-time continuum to receive Joe the Goose handballs in the goal square behind unsuspecting opponents. Surely worth at least two goals a match.

Marc Murphy won the Blues’ Best and Fairest last year, confirming him as a star of the competition. Consistently brilliant, hard at the ball and equipped with exquisite skills he became a fitting winner of the crown, joining such past luminaries as John Nicholls, Bruce Doull, Stephen Kernahan and David Teague.

There’s some other bloke called Chris Twigley who goes alright too. He’s mainly seen squiring his lovely wife, multimedia superstar Rebecca Twigley, around town and doing sterling charity work in his day job as CEO of VISY, but when he gets out on the field he is a solid and dependable member of Carlton’s 22.

This year Carlton is looking to progress deeper into the finals than they have over the recent past. To do this, they are planning to blow up the SCG, Homebush, Subiaco, the GABBA and Football Park.

With a bit of luck, if injuries are avoided, if the planets align, if it all falls into place, if they don’t walk under any ladders, and if they win the Grand Final, Carlton will claim their seventeenth premiership without a shadow of doubt.

Next up: Why Collingwood are a monty to win the premiership in 2012.


  1. Alex,

    my understanding is that a full Monty means that the party involved is looking quite exposed.

    Therefore you use of the expression Monty is quite astute because Carlton will be very exposed this season.

  2. John Butler says

    Phantom, don’t put my word in Alex’s mouth.

    And keep dreaming.

  3. I know you are getting hot under the collar JB but……..’You can leave your hat on’.

  4. John Butler says

    Not hot under the collar Phantom. Sweaty under the armpits maybe…

  5. Perhaps the recently launched Nivea product ‘Black and White” roll on deodorant for men would be of assistance JB.

  6. I might stick to the kerosene Phantom. Less tacky.

  7. i have one word (kinda) for this-

  8. John Butler says

    Isn’t that three in real-speak?

  9. i said kinda :P

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