The WACA Bingo Game

Of all the cricket venues in Australia, the WACA ground in Perth is the most unique. Why? Because we are constantly, relentlessly told it is so. In fairness, in this age of homogenised drop-in wickets there is probably more truth in it than ever.

Annually, in the lead-up to the Perth Test, we humble cricket fans are force-fed daily updates on just what effect the vagaries of that strip of turf might have on the match – particularly on nervous visiting batsmen. Post Richie, the Channel 9 commentary team has rapidly and somewhat effortlessly lowered itself to a point where it is now surely beyond parody. However, those doyens of the bleeding obvious are the catalysts for what I call the “WACA Bingo Game”, an amusing pastime in which anyone with even the most basic of cricket knowledge can easily participate.

The rules are simple. For each of the following statements/phrases/cliches/comments uttered by any or all of the Channel 9 mates, award yourself points as indicated. The goal, which is way more easily attained than you might think, is to reach 100 points as early into the Test Match as possible. My personal record is a couple of overs before tea on the first day.

PITCH (category level: Simpletonistic)

‘Hard’; ‘Fast’; ‘Pace’;  ‘Bounce’: 1 point each.

A combination of one or more of the above words in a sentence: 5 points.

All four of those words in the same sentence: 10 pts.

“Green tinge”: 5 pts.

‘Batsmen have the confidence to leave the ball because it bounces over the stumps’: 3 pts.

‘Cracks running lengthways down the wicket’ / ‘Cracks will open up as the match progresses’: 3 pts each.

‘Should favour the height of Mitchell Starc’: 2 pts.

‘Bat first’: 1/2 point.

‘Good carry to the keeper’: 1 pt. (With accompanying side-on shot of the keeper and slips: a bonus 3 pts).

CONDITIONS (category level: Idiotic)

‘Heat of Perth’ / ‘It’s hot in Perth’: 1 pt.

‘Fremantle Doctor’: minus 1 pt.

‘Fremantle Doctor has arrived’: 1 pt. (With accompanying visages of flags fluttering: a bonus 2 pts).

‘Indian Ocean’: 4 pts.

‘Peter Siddle’: 2 pts.

WACA GROUND (category level: Knuckleheadish)

‘New venue at Burswood’ / ‘Sad for the WACA’: 3 pts each. Bonus 10 pts if in the same conversation.

‘Big Bash League’ / ‘Perth Scorchers’: 10 pts each (note that Ch10 holds the BBL rights).

‘Adam Voges’ home ground’ / ‘Mitch Marsh’s home ground’ / ‘…knows the conditions’: 1 pt each.

‘Brad Hogg’: 8 pts.

Prindiville Stand and Lillee-Marsh stand mentioned in the same sentence: 4 pts.

MUSINGS (category level: Moronic)

“I used to love bowling here…” Brett Lee: 5 pts.

“Piers Morgan”: minus 10 pts.

“A test for visiting batsmen”: 5 pts.

Any mention – no matter how slight – of David Warner’s 69-ball ton in 2011/12: 5 pts.

Any mention – no matter how slight – of Doug Walters’ six off the last ball to reach a ton: 15 pts.

On any of the following – a) the possibility of four fast bowlers being selected, b) spinners’ struggles here, c) not Shane Warne’s favourite venue : 2 pts each.

‘Gloucester Park’ trots (usually accompanied by a long-range shot of said trotting venue): zero pts – because that would be giving away points for free.

An in-depth analysis of DK Lillee’s resignation as president of the W.A.C.A.: award yourself as many points as you like.

“An old captain of mine, Les Favell…” Ian Chappell: 20 pts. Note that the game is immediately over if this phrase is uttered.

Foot-note: As this game is only in its infancy, any additions or variations are welcome.

Warning: the WACA Bingo Game was originally devised as a drinking game, but the first time I played I was so pissed by lunch on Day 1 that the rules have been altered to preclude alcohol.

About Darren Dawson

Always North.

Comments

  1. Peter Flynn says:

    Brilliant Smoke.

    Tony Greig losing the key.

    Mention of Roy Fredericks by Chappell.

    Footage of the Greatbatch catch and subsequent mouth off.

    Footage of Warne dismissed for 99.

    Footage of Alderman doing his shoulder.

    Footage of Lillee and Miandad.

    That’s hit into the wind. That won’t go for 4.

    Vistas of the Swan River.

    Once you get in, it’s a great place to bat. The first 20 minutes are the key.

    Hilarious Old Mate

  2. Andrew Fithall says:

    “An old captain of mine, Les Favell…” Ian Chappell: 20 pts. Note that the game is immediately over if this phrase is uttered.

    I like this – the equivalent of catching the snitch

  3. Mark 'Swish' Schwerdt says:

    20 points each

    Colin Milburn
    Tony Lock
    Tony Mann
    Bruce Duperouuzel
    Ian Brayshaw
    Sam Gannon
    Bob Meuleman
    Ric Charlesworth
    Les Varis

  4. “Barry Richards……” uttered by Chappelli – 5 points.
    “Barry Richards – the greatest batsman I ever played with…..”by IC – 10 points.
    “Barry Richards and I………….”by IC – 20 points and also game over.
    Brilliant Smokie. I am hoping that you do not extend these prohibitions to spectators as well as commentators. I will have nothing to say to my companions tomorrow.
    Citrus Bob has told me he is not coming to Perth. There goes any hope of intelligent life for the day.

  5. Peter Flynn says:

    Visiting fast bowlers can make the mistake of getting carried away and bowling too short in Perth. They must pitch the ball up.

    The light at the WACA seems brighter than at other Australian Test grounds.

    Bumble getting his box shattered.

    Gilly’s 100

    McGrath’s hat trick.

    Merv’s hat trick.

  6. Phillip Dimitriadis says:

    It’s become that predictable hasn’t it Smokie?
    Lillee’s 8/29 against the World XI in 71-72 gets airtime. 10 pts?

  7. Dave Brown says:

    ‘the Cauldron’ – some points

    Bonus points on the Warne 99 if the words ‘no ball’ are uttered

  8. Brilliant game, post and thread.

    What’s the market value for a Bruce Yardley?

  9. Malcolm Ashwood says:

    The Fremantle doctor breeze 20 pts
    THat Gillette Cup game WA v Qld 20 ts
    Bouncing Viv Richards and Greg Chappell re That Game 39 pts
    WA defending 77 in THTAT Game Game over

  10. Peter Flynn says:

    Lillee hurling his aluminum bat.

    Danny Morrison head butting the ball attempting a forward defensive shot.

  11. Love it Smokie. Extra point-scoring chances:

    It’s a fast outfield here in Perth.

    You get good value for shots.

    Slips are back a long way.

    Good seeing conditions.

    Any mention of mention of IVA Richards;

    Any mention of Curtly Ambrose running through Australia

    Any commentator saying “you want to get them driving”

    Any mention of a fly slip

    Beautifully played.

  12. Love it Smoke. WSC always gets a mention. 1 point. Views of the sailing boats for TV viewers.

  13. John Butler says:

    Smokie, I hope you’ve copyrighted this. It will catch on. :)

    Brilliant.

    What chance getting Dennis and Javed back for a UFC cage re-match? Just for old times sake.

  14. Thanks for playing along, old muckers.

    It looks like we might have stumbled onto something here.

  15. kath presdee says:

    How much for the shot of a wedding in a park nearby?

  16. Jim Maxwell scoring quickly during the opening overs.

  17. I think Jim Maxwell actually read this thread last night and is having a lend of us !!

  18. Beautifully played Smokie. 100 points.

  19. Ch9 just did a back-to-back Slats 99 and Warnie’s 99. Bonus points? Thoroughly recommend Roseanne Cash “The River and the Thread” with the TV on mute.

  20. 25 minutes expended on the extended Marsh family viewing Mitch bat, Tubby boring me to the point of exhaustion…. Must be point-worthy?

  21. Peter Fuller says:

    I refuse to play. Even with the comic dimension, being forced to listen to the Channel Packer (I know, no longer true) commentary team amounts to cruel and unusual punishment.

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