Almanac Footy Writing: The VFL is restored to its former glory!

 

Enough of the Covid doom and gloom people, finally the pandemic has delivered! Rejoice!

 

The AFL has now been restored to its former glory, as the VFL, with all teams located in Victoria, a viral gift you could say. Who would have thought that several hundred Dan Andrews pressers would lead us to the holy grail?

 

The new VFL competition will be restructured (getting rid of all those teams no one understands like Southport and Aspley) to allow for the influx of new Victoria teams. The traditional VFA teams currently playing in the VFL will play in the… VFA!

 

Most current Victoria based clubs will receive automatic entry to the new VFL, including Richmond (every competition needs a much loved powerhouse), Melbourne (for comedic effect), Carlton (under sufferance and with conditions – see below), Geelong, Essendon (we all need someone to hate), St Kilda, Hawthorn, North, and the Bulldogs, who will revert to the name Footscray.

 

The Swans, reverting to the use of South Melbourne, will relocate back to Lakeside Oval, and wear traditional woolen South guernseys, sponsored by Sekem. The club suit will be a Fletcher Jones-provided brown velour number.

 

The Lions, of course, will be back to Fitzroy, another club to wear the traditional woolen Sekem. The VFL has arranged with the Andrews Victorian government for the realigning of Fitzroy’s Council boundaries to take in Princes Park. The league will fund the purchase of Princes Park as a gift to Fitzroy to apologise for f$%^ing them over. It will be renamed the Brunswick Street Oval. The club will make an income from charging Carlton to use it as a training venue.

 

Fremantle to Port Melbourne. So they will not only still not the best team in town, they won’t even be the best team in Port Melbourne.

 

Gold Coast to the Victorian Riviera, or Portsea as it’s also known, ’cause no one there gives a shit about the footy either. Channel 7 will no longer be required to broadcast their games, due to lack of interest. But we do need to continue to try and build the game on the Peninsula.

 

West Coast to Geelong, because they deserve each other, think Lord of the Flies!

 

GWS to Tassie (which as we all know is really just part of Victoria) and rebranded as the Tassie Devils (which the AFL also owns) – imagine that, GWS being our gift to Tassie, how happy will they be!

 

Port Adelaide to Portland, so they are as far away from the rest of us as possible, although there is a proposal from a number of clubs to simply push them, and their President, into the sea, thus making it a 17 team competition.

 

Finally the Crows to Moe, ’cause it’s a shithole that no one wants to visit, and they will slide right into the culcha! Given Port are unlikely to be in the competition, consideration is being given to alow the Crows to upgrade to the Power’s prison bar guernsey.

 

Note, importantly, to balance out the bye issues associated with a 17 team comp, serious consideration is being given to a further reduction to 16 sides, with Collingwood to be ejected – mainly,because this is the chance we’ve all been waiting for, and no one has ever wanted them in anyway.  This would also have the added benefit of allowing the Crows to become the Adelaide Magpies (fulfilling a dream held by many).

 

Cheers, Wippet.

 

 

 

 

The Tigers (Covid) Almanac 2020 will be published in 2021. It will have all the usual features – a game by game account of the Tigers season – and will also include some of the best Almanac writing from the Covid winter.  Pre-order HERE

 

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Comments

  1. Brilliant Wippet. Like all successful satire it appears deceptively true.

  2. Jeez Wippet – love it and hate it in equal measure. Ein Volk; Ein Reich; Ein VFL. You’ve annexed the Sudetenland; then Czechoslovakia; Poland; on to Paris and London………….
    The players will be happy to line up for the Bertocci ham; Patra orange juice; and Pelaco shirt as payment for their efforts. The club president might even slip a lobster in the boots if it’s a particularly good win.
    Time to ‘fess up. “Wippet”? Always knew you were a glutton for punishment. Great to have Jeff Kennett writing for the Almanac.

  3. Rulebook says

    Gold Wippet v v clever good idea re Port also

  4. Rod Oaten says

    A bit harsh on Moe.

  5. Daryl Schramm says

    Very clever and biting. I’m sure all followers will be laughing and frowning at different bits. As an Adelaidian, I’ve never been to Moe. Now not in a hurry!

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