THE PRE WRAP – ROUND XI

FOR THE PHILOSOPHICAL MARNGROOK FAN

What a week it’s been in Footy Eddie.  Akka is doing his best to rip apart the fabric of Whitten Oval.  Teddy certainly would have stuck it up him by now – in the nicest possible way of course.

Boss Voss has had a few words to say about Big Folau’s recruitment by The Sydney Inventions.  (I’m not sure Nurelle, but you might be getting him mixed up with Big Philou.  But wasn’t he a gelding anyway?)  Vossy feels we should be building The Code from the Grassroots up.  Meanwhile, deep in the counting room at Jellymont House, the gnomes are busy on the double abacus.  I hope they can work out what they stand to lose if this stunt backfires.  Now we’re not saying that people who play rugby codes can’t convert to OGG.  After all, it has more to offer than any other code.  But if we look at it from the other perspective – if Gary Ablett switched to soccer, would you?  Or Buddy Franklin turned out for the Melbourne Storm, would you be queuing up to watch him in the new rectangular stadium at the bottom end of Swan Street every 2^nd weekend?  (I’d go to watch Cyril Rioli play soccer – Ed)

Never mind that Ed, what Vossy’s saying is that the clubs have to tighten their belts to squeeze in under the salary cap set by the Ayatollah.  Meanwhile real hero’s like Jonathan Brown come up through the ranks, play for the Guernsey and go into their post career dotage carrying crippling injuries.  True the Brisbane Captain might never have to work again, but for every Jonathan Brown there are a 100 who devote huge slabs of the their lives to The Game only to play half a dozen matches, still face an arthritic old age, and have to rebuild a post football career.  Meanwhile the Appalling Football League can find spare millions to throw at marquee rugby stars to promote an expansion program we didn’t need anyway.

That the Fatal Shore is a well lettered land has never been in doubt.  We have the Jerilderie Letter from Ned Kelly.  Keith Murdoch’s Gallipoli Letter.  Akka’s used French Letter.  Now we have Andreas’ Jellymont House Letter.   Goodness gracious me.  If ever you needed an example for your HSC English Expression paper of missing the point, this would have to be it.  So let’s pick Andreas up on a few of the points he made.  Swapping a job that pays you more than twice your old one is not bold and brave.  It’s just downright economic sense.  Walking out on your teammates could be regarded as bold and brave, because they might misconstrue the step as downright greedy, and be teed off they missed out.  And all those names you rattled off Andy – those who converted from other codes – how many of them came across to OGG with multimillion-dollar packages?  Now that might be seen as bold & brave.  In fact the public face of what one of them is doing right now, facing his mortality, is one of the bravest things you’ll ever want to see.  How about setting up a foundation in his honour for promoting The Game?

Also, you say you’ve been advised that no approaches have been made to 1^st & 2^nd year players by agents acting for the expansion clubs.  What sort of advice did you expect to get Andreas?  And if it turns out that you’ve been lied to, what actions will you take?

And what actions would you take if basketball, rugby or soccer started poaching Aussie Rules marquee names?  The players that pull the punters through the turnstiles and have them turning the dials.  It’s a hypothetical of course.  The Appalling Football League has the bucks to blow them off the park; that’s why what we’re doing is so wrong.  It’s called bullying.  Remember the Golden Rule Andreas & Co.  Do unto others as you would they should do unto you.

But there’s more to this.  Slipping down to the junction the other day to pick up the weekend fruit & veggies from Toscanos we tuned into the SEN talkback session.  The general feeling was that it was hypocritical of the AFL, especially since they come down hard on extraneous payments to contracted players promoting their own club, and that it was not necessarily going to be a good in the long run.  Even in the short run according to one caller.  He pointed out that Israel Falou plays for The Brisbane Broncos in the NFL and The Maroons in the State of Origin.  His question was – how many heads is a Queenslander going to turn in Western Sydney, and how many bums is he going to plonk on seats out at Homebush for GWS?

Let’s leave that for now.  What about Buddy’s bump?  He tried to minimize the impact but when you’re 196mm , cover the 100 yards in even time in your footy boots and hit the scales at 101kg, what can you do about it?  When you get hit by Buddy – even in the nicest possible way – you stay hit.  Come to think of it, Iwould go to watch Buddy play rugby.

Rooting Roo has broken through the shame barrier to join the Hall of Fame.  He joins Gary Ablett’s Dad in that.  But the story of the night belongs 90 year old Stan Heal, the WA Legend who played in two premierships on opposite sides of the WideBrownLand in the same year.  He featured in Melbourne’s 1941 Flag and caught the rattler across the Nullarbor to play in West Perth’s Victorious side the next week.  It took four days to get from Melbourne to Perth in wartime Australia and he would have had to get over his Redleg Premiership celebrations sitting up on a wooden bench.  And what about Kevin Murray’s record?  Fitzroy’s Best & Fairest in 1956, 1958, 1960, 1961 & 1962.  And again in 1963 & 1964 while he was playing coach.  He slipped over to East Perth, coached them and won their B&F in 1965.  Back at the Brunswick Street Oval in 1968, he won The Maroons’ highest honour and repeated the feat the next year while taking out the League’s highest honour as well.  They don’t breed them like Kevin Murray & Stan Heal any more.  Wayne who?

Can Our Samantha go all the way at Roland Garros?  She’s wiped out Justine Henin & Serena Williams to earn a meeting with 4^th seeded Jelena Jankovic in the semi final.  Go you Aussie Good thing – Put a Gap in ‘em.

And let’s go waltzing with The Matildas.  They knocked of the Kim Jong-ils to snaffle the Asian Cup in a penalty shootout and have set their sights on the World Cup next year.  Go you Aussie Good things – Put a Gap in ‘em.

Breaking News.  Don’t miss this one.  Our Paddington stringer tells us the Western Bulldogs are entering a float of Akkas at the Gay & Lesbian Mardi Gras doing handstands supported by a bevy of Doris Days singing Secret Love .  Don’t you just love footballers in drag?  In case you want to sing along with them on the night we’ve included the words.

Once I had a secret love

That lived within the heart of me

All too soon my secret love

Became impatient to be free

So I told a friendly star

The way that dreamers often do

Just how wonderful you are

And why I am so in love with you

Now I shout it from the highest hills

Even told the golden daffodils

At last my heart’s an open door

And my secret love’s no secret anymore

But enough of my gabbin, let’s see who’s going to be in Heaven after Round XI.

The Feeling Faints v The Tigers tonight on the Shifting Sands of Ethelred Oval.  The Tiges are on the board and playing the sort of Football that could cost them the Coveted Sylvan Shield.  Tonight they come up against The Vulnerable Saints in the Pipe Opener.  The question on everyone’s lips – can they make it two on the Stewie Trott?  The Bagmen have stuck their necks out and have them at $5.75.   Tempting, but down outside Dimmeys they’re saying keep your hands in your pocket this time.  Unless you can get some goals in.  The Seagulls look just that bit too strong, although Jack Riewoldt must be disappointed the Iconic Zac Dawson has been given a stint in the Magoos.  He would have been licking his chops at the thought of playing on. The Competitions # 1 Fumbler.  Richmond will miss Jackson & Foley in the 1^st Ruck, but Cotchin & Martin are acquitting themselves very well and Angus Graham is a work in progress.  Lenny Hayes is having a Brownlow season and Nasty Milne has a habit of carving up the Richmond defence.  The Tiges will give it their all, but The Saints look to have just too much experience for The Jungle Cubs.  Expect a good game, but The Saints will prevail.

The Silvertails v The Fuchsias on the Hallowed Turf at the traditional time.  The Blue Baggers have been having an up & down season.  They’ve had a few famous Victories and copped a couple of hidings.  Jimmy’s Redlegs have also had a topsy turvey season, but their purple patch seems to be behind them.  They’ve recalled Scully, Trengrove from their spell and Bates comes back from injury.  The Blues have dropped Henderson & Brock McLean- against his old club – to include Houlihan & Waite.  The Dees have been dead stiff a couple of times against Collingwood & Footscray, and with a bit of luck they could roll The Miseries.  Hawthorn belted them with Unsociable Football remember, but The Demons aren’t Hawthorn.  We expect Jimmy’s Redlegs to be playing catch-up Football for most of the day.  Carlton look to strong all around the ground, although, if you want a roughie, this is it.  Melbourne can win.  But they don’t seem to be having any luck in the close ones.  Carlton.

The Pride of South Australia v The Barry Crockers under the Shadow of Mt Lofty on Saturday Arvo.  Adelaide have won two games.  Freo have lost two.  Either the Bagmen know something we don’t know, or they are being rather foolhardy at $1.30.  With the Bourse stuttering along this is even better than Woolworths. The Anchormen, without hesitation, are The Wrap Investment Opportunity of The Round.

The Kangaroos v The Boys From Old Fitzroy under cover on Saturday night.  The Shinboners will need to dig deep into the very bowels of Arden Street to find that missing flagon of the Famous Elixir to pull their season from the very Furnaces of Hades.  They are playing without purpose and without conviction.  If they can’t TTSA at home against an opposition tied together with baler twine they’re going to be battling when they face form sides like Richmond.  In fact, if they don’t find a container load of flagons of the Shinboner Spirit they could go through the rest of the season without Joining In The Chorus.  The Roys Boys turned their season around last week with one of the gustiest performances you’d want to see.  And where better to do it than up in The Lions’ Den, and who better to do it against than Eddie’s Willy Wagtails.  Without doubt Big Jonathan & The Fev are a couple of reasons we put up with being ripped off each week.  With dogs’ eyes at $8.50 and two pots of light beer at the same price as a slab at Boccaccio Cellars you need something to deaden the pain.  But are they fit?  Probably not, but they won’t have to do any more than they did last week to take home the Four Points.  The Gorillas for us.

The West Coast Eagles v The Team To Beat For The Flag over on the balmy Indian Ocean shores.  The Geelong Hierarchy aren’t prepared to pay for the three seats it takes to fly The Tomahawk across to Perth so they’ve given him the week off.  It should be another week off for the rest of them too, although The Coasters would be expected to put up a real show after the publicity their Coach has been getting from the local press.   They’ve finally lost patience with Big Lynch , Nikoski & McGinnity.  A Danger Game for The Sleepy Hollow Millionaires, but we’ll stick with them.  They may play like millionaires at times, but they’re self-made millionaires with a lot of blue-collar heritage.  Underestimate them at your peril.  They’ll win, and win well in the end.

The Sydney Swans v The Whingy Hill Bombers up in Tinseltown for the early one on Sunday.  The Gliders looked good last weekend, but how bad were The Kennel Coughs?  That they were able to muster a 15 minute effort in the shadow of full time, an effort that nearly ran down the runaway Dons, suggests a brittleness in the Baby Bombers Mk II.  Caretaker Coach Knighter will have had the cattle prodder out on Tuesday Night over that almost fatal lapse of concentration.  Maybe even reminded the Young Bombers about their club’s inglorious record of getting ahead of itself.  Maybe even reminded them of the time their current coach, almost single-handed knocked them out of the September Competition back in 1996. After Coach Mumbles had said his Essendon Machine shouldn’t have to play such inferior sides as Richmond to progress to TLSIS.  However, this is 2010 and they are without doubt an excitement machine and only need a bit of steadying to become serious September Candidates.  This will test them, but they should win.  Adam Goodes may have played one season too many, however, will no doubt be fired-up by the suggestion.  Lovett-Murray is having a stellar season and will reinforce that view with his old Western Victorian mate.  After both teams’ respective games last week, one holding off a fast finishing challenger after leading all day, the other falling short in a last quarter challenge, it will be interesting to see how this one pans out.  But from the Wrapcave we’re giving The Marshmallows, at $2.15, Wrap Roughie of The Round Status.

The Mayblooms v The Chokers on the big Stage on Sunday.  The Mustard Pots have belted The Miseries and just fallen in against South Melbourne & Richmond over the last three rounds.  They’d only beaten Melbourne before that.  So just how good are they?  They start favourites against Port in this one, and on the form of both sides deservedly so.  The Tealers actually have the wood on The Hawks – on this ground, in the 2000s and overall.  Chokko has out coached Clarko on four occasions to the Hawthorn mentor’s one.  So what?  We’re sticking with form.  The Boys from Launceston Town for us.

The Carringbush Magpies v The Sons of The West on the Little Ground at the end of Bourke Street to wind up Round XI.  Both teams were disappointing last week.  Footscray didn’t fire a shot till it was all over.  The Woodsmen just couldn’t get their hands on the pigskin.  They’ve persevered with Neon Leon and he’s joined by Magic Meddy.  O’Bree & Poor Old Jack Anthony, who just can’t recapture his form of previous seasons, have been omitted.  They’ve named seven on the bench for the Sunday game, including the old & new giraffes as well as Leroy Brown.  You’d have to expect only one will play.  The Tricolours have lost Akka to a hamstring.  Well that’s what it said on the team sheet in the Butcher’s Shop Window Nurelle.  More importantly, they’ve lost Hargreaves from defence.  Look, if you can tip either one with any conviction you should be up in Canberra advising Glorious Leader when to call the next election.  We’re going for The Scrays, for no other reason than they have to bounce back after a horror fortnight.  It would be fair to say The Maggies have had a horror fortnight too, but the Doggies just might be off the chain for this one.  But don’t bet on it.

Good tipping and even better punting.

And remember, if you read it in the Wrap you’ll know it’s not crap.