The Middle Australia Report


Not many times I let sport really get to me. 1990 GF did. Women’s tennis. Not much else.

The Lance Armstrong witch hunt does. We all know that EVERYONE involved in the sport: athletes, medicos, team owners, media and whoever, were ALL involved. To single out one is reprehensible given what Armstrong has made the sport.

The ONLY solution is to admit that EVERYONE as of yesterday was a cheat. Then offer a moratorium on every athlete that wants to talk and confess. Keep their wins and records. But as of today, armed with all the knowledge, anyone caught is gone for good. As far as I’m concerned, Lance keeps his legacy. Cycling just shot itself in the foot.

The Editor


South Africa A recently beat South Africa B in a test series, for some strange reason in England, to determine who was the number one test playing nation. South Africa A won and is now the number one ranked test team. In a stranger quirk than the Duckworth-Lewis system if Australia defeats South Africa in the upcoming three test series to be played here Australia will regain the number one ranking. It is probably an indictment on the ICC’s ranking system that this could happen given Australia recently drew a test series 1-1 with New Zealand. This would be a very good outcome if it was rugby, but losing a cricket test to New Zealand is, well, un-Australian.

However the main issue in cricket is the primo toss pot of the game Kevin Pietersen. Pietersen who speaks remarkably like Mike Tyson with a South African accent was recently booted from the English, or South African B, team for slandering Andrew Strauss in text messages to South African A players. Fair enough that Pietersen was booted I say as apart from being a knob he is a wanker with an ego bigger than Greg Norman’s. In a recent TV interview Pietersen said “It’s not easy being me in the English cricket team.” I’m not exactly sure what he meant, but what I think he really meant to say was “It’s not easy being a forkwheat in a team sport”. How about pull your forking head in Pietersen then it might be easy.

Serial idiot, Shane Warne, added to incisive comment to the situation by saying “If you have to punch each other up around the corner, then do it, get it out of your system, then comeback.” This comment was what his solution for the Pietersen-Strauss conflict would be. Sorry Shane, while you may be good at eating Baked Beans and toasted cheese sandwiches Strauss is the captain so the English team should all take Pietersen around the corner and knock some sense into him. No man is bigger than the game especially one with a squeaky South African accent playing for England with all the other South Africans.

The Chairman


  1. Mark Doyle says

    I agree with your comments about professional road cycling, except for the last sentence. I do not believe that Lance Armstrong is a cheat and relied on ‘drugs’ to win his seven Tour De France races. The real issue is the use of drugs and medical technology to assist with training and injury recovery. I believe that sportspeople should have access to EPO, blood transfusions and steroids under strict medical supervision during pre-season training and injury recovery. The use of these substances should be documented in a passport and there should be rules that all competitors in competition should be within a certain range of EPO before competing. The problem with the drugs in sport issue is the fundamentalist and ignorant high moral ground taken by the media buffoons who have no idea of the physical and mental difficulty of playing sport at an elite professional level. In Australia the most ignorant media coverage of these issues is provided by the upper middle class media organisations such as the ABC and The Age newspaper.

  2. Emma Goldman says

    I know very little about cricket. But I have met a fair few forkwheats in my time. Humanity needs balance if it is going to survive the Forkwheat Takeover – I suggest to begin, luring them into AMI Stadium, throwing in a toasted cheese sandwich and then locking the joint down for a few days. A fine publication, Chairman. Keep up the salience. – EG

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