The Jerk’s games record tops Tuck and Hungry

Jerk 500 Games + Ben Vezis 250, Gary Krievs 200 and Marco Draca 50 Games = Scum 1,000.

Blacks Jerk record breakers

Saturday 16 August 2014 was a significant day in the proud history of the Adelaide University FC as Darren “The Jerk” Graetz becomes the 1st player to play 500 Games for Uni.  An incredible achievement – it is milestone day all up as V train, Crazy Horse and Dracula are playing games 250 , 200 and 50 .

On arriving at Bob Neil number 1 a considerable number of past players and friends have turned up for milestone day. Jerk is being interviewed by Channel 9 gun reporter, Jack Berketa (thanks Jack!). A camera man recognises Howie – there’s the fire guy – ahh the price of fame!

The day then becomes amusing as coach Sean Philpot tries to hurry Jerk up so he can do his pre match address. Darren comes out on to the ground to a generous and sustained round of applause carrying his beautiful daughters, Temperance and Chloe (well played, Denise!)

Blacks Jerk Kids2

Blacks Jerk kids

The game commences and to a roar not heard at Uni oval at 10.20 on a Saturday morning since Grandstand Roy woke up and found a full goon bag. Jerk marks! He goes back shoots and a loud sigh results as he hits the post.  The V train soon follows with the exact same scenario it is 1 of 4 posters for the quarter for the Blacks.

The game meanders along with Uni gradually getting on top. Michelle Le grand is getting plenty of the pill as always.  The future Premier is marking everything down back. Crazy Horse Krievs is contributing solidly in his 200th and V train kicks a lovely goal. Jerk is more than unlucky not to receive several free kicks.  He is being held like a horse about to make a run (Jerk wasn’t) and then in the last quarter the big moment finally happens.

Jerk marks, waddles in (pun intended) kicks and goals as the crowd erupts!  Jerk is carried off the ground (occ health and safety workers have been notified).

Scum players are then like kids in a candy shop getting their photo taken with the legend, BOB NEIL to 3 goal kicker.  Chimps credit – he has changed his Facebook page and photo within fifteen minutes of the game finishing and added those immortal words in a relationship with Bob Neil! Jerk thanks everyone for coming and adds: “lucky you like fat bastards!”

Adelaide University        7 11 53 Pulteney                              3 7   25

Best Players: Uni – Le Grand , Karas , P Malinouskas , Martinson , O Leary , Vasek , Draca Pulteney – Whennen , Burford , Wilkins , Douventzides , Karatassos

Goal Kickers: Uni – Martinson 3 , Graetz , B Vezis , N Vezis , Le Grand Pulteney – Burford 2 , McBryde

But wait there’s more! Adelaide Uni A Grade in one of the best comebacks of all time came back from 38 pts down late in the 3rd quarter (it was Cornseys fault that we so far down he gave the pre match talk) to defeat Salisbury North by 7 pts with Nick Gill kicking 7 straight (not a miss print). James Wundke dominating the last quarter and in a Batman and Robin act getting the Blacks home when the siren goes.  Crouching tiger hidden football ability turns round and gives it back to these Salisbury North supporters who have been getting stuck in to him all day. I couldn’t get a word in!

The win secures Uni a spot in div 1 for season 2015 so it is an excited, relieved, pumped change room when coach Jack Paynter  finally gets the chance to speak.  Out emerges Seb from the showers with towel around him and does a Decore impersonation followed by “love you dad”.  Very funny indeed!

Hold your Bowlies (a story in itself) at the General Havelock goes off.  Peter Wachtel hears about Jerk’s milestone in South Africa via the first article on the Footy Almanac website, and donates $500 to the bar for drinks all round.

It is a brilliant Blacks day!

Blacks Jerk


  1. A memorable day at Beautiful BN#1.
    Cheers to Peter Wachtel, HYB was in full swing!

  2. Well done Blacks!

  3. Shayne Shepherdson says

    Excellent summary of a great day, and night. A feat never to be repeated. Congrats to all the milestone men.

  4. Great summary Book only thing missing was a rousing renition of ‘Fatty Little Darren Graetz’ in front of a ‘packed grandstand’ the bemused faces on the first timers worth the admission price alone. BR

  5. Tom Martin says

    Corker Blacks! I was in the blackest of moods on Saturday afternoon when I heard the three quarter time score. Seeing footage of the song in the rooms fixed that pretty quickly. Gilly in flight, sheer poetry. By poetry I mean limericks. Wish I’d been there.

    Was I the only one who was duped into believing that Jerk only needed one more goal for the 1400? I’m not disappointed as it means the club gets to celebrate His Gregariousness again on another day. Just wondering whether I was imagining theatrical flourishes or the Substandard was playing its usual games with the facts.

    I emailed Jerk during the week to wish him all the best and he apologised to me for missing the only game I have played all year, the Scum’s rugged victory over Old Scotch up at Loch Ness Oval. He admitted sheepishly that he had been in Darwin on a family holiday, but assured me that the real purpose of the trip was to have a look at a horse.

    And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how you play 500 games of footer before your 50th birthday.

  6. Some of your very sharpest Rulebook, what a fantastic day and brilliant night, something none of us will ever forget.

    “That’s the Jerk and he IS the greatest Black,
    With a heart as big as horses yeah yeah,
    Way up on the scales he still registers,
    And when Jerk farts he stinks it up, stinks it up…”

  7. Jerk fabulous milestone for your and the greatest football club on the planet. Book impressed with your Russian like patrolling of the centre square but disappointed you did not blow that whistle for the blatant holding of the Jerk at the other end of the field. If it is ok for the AFL to shut down Carlton with a free called from the moon it should be good enough for the Rulebook. I thought you would be good for a least a couple of goals.
    Wes – a grand performance and an inspiration for Scum football- which in true Scum tradition should be ignored in favour of missed passes, grounded balls, plenty of points and a bit of biff. Wishing you boys all the best for Finals as we celebrated the 20 year reunion of the 1994 Scum Premiership which broke with Scum tradition thanks to Jimmy Nayler and the Gang B*&%s – now there’s a song that the blonde Rwandan can sing.

  8. Well done Book – loved the report.

  9. Great write up Book! Was a great thing to be part of!

    Wes HYB was a night I will not forget in a hurry (though Doc might have some hazy memories) #concussionsmuch?

  10. Eddie Dadds says

    The best day of football I’ve ever experienced. It had everything; enormous milestones, a dropped Gary Moorcroft-esque hanger in the B grade and an incredible comeback by the As. Great article Book, may there be many more days like it!

  11. Jeff Milton says

    Well done to the Jerk. Can he achieve 600 before he turns 50?

  12. A sliding doors moment for the club. Div 1 shaking in their boots for 2015!

    Whispering Jack and the A’s should be extremely proud of their gutsy effort and will hopefully use this as a springboard into 2015.

    Well done to Jerk and co on the milestones.

  13. I should have come to Uni Oval instead of going to Adelaide Oval. Congrats to Jerker and the Blacks

  14. Jamie Mason says

    Great work Rulebook… the perfect footy day with Tigga getting up across the road.

  15. congrats to the great man

    was the best 4 minutes of football i’ve ever played

  16. Your best piece yet Malcolm . Outstanding. What a day. Loved hangin out with the Jerk watching the As. The As come-back unrivalled since the late 80s I reckon, v Greenacres at BN1. 9 goals down at 1/4 time. Enter Bam-Bam Kewell. All squared up by 1/2 time. One word jiggeting about in my brain for Saturday, applicable to all and everything: Respect.

  17. Mark 'Swish' Schwerdt says

    Like Tom, my head dropped when I saw the 3/4 time A Grade score, but I perked up when I saw the post of the rousing rendition of Chocka’s finest tunesmithing a while later.

    Once more Jerk, well done.

    Go Blacks !!!

  18. Excellent summary Book. Pity I missed it (but I did enjoy the Dogs 10 goal win over the Bays).

  19. Congratulations Jerk, what an effort.
    Beautifully wrapped up with a gutsy comeback by the A Grade.

  20. congrats jerk, and well written malcolm – great summary.

    is there any truth to the rumour jack black asked his troops to ‘do it for jerk’ at 3/4 time of the a’s? i suspect not.

  21. Well done Jerk. You’re a champion bloke and it’s an amazing milestone. Rulebook’s umpiring was another highlight of the game with signals never seen on a field before and maybe never seem again

  22. Well done Darren. You’ve done what the rest of us long retired bums wished we had – played forever at TWGFC. Keep playing for as long as you enjoy it, and whilst the body lets you!


  23. Malcolm Ashwood says

    Thanks folks it was a fantastic day congrats to the milestone men and a unbelievable come back from the A grade , Pappsy would have loved to go to the 3rd umpire !
    Daddsy Bam Bam was incredible in that game kicked 9 but unfortunately we lost .
    Nose as usual you absolutely nailed it !

  24. Absolutely devastated that a flight cancellation meant I couldn’t watch jerk, kremes and v train play their milestone games! On the plus side I arrived at uni oval midway through the 3rd quarter to watch the boys slam home 8 of the last 9 to take home the chocolates!

    A great day for the world’s greatest football club!

  25. Malcolm Ashwood says

    Thanks Pagey fellow 123 your arrival was the turning point of the game
    Go the worlds greatest football club

  26. Paul Simon says

    Well done, Jerk. This makes me want to call Triple M ‘rocks football’

  27. Luke Reynolds says

    Great story with a great result. Well done Jerk, well done AUFC. Keep the stories coming Rulebook & co.

  28. Marko Draca says

    Great article! It was a huge honour to play with a club legend like Jerk. It’s guys like him that make AUFC the greatest club on earth. It might have been my 50th, but it felt like more. Also, turns out Jerk may be my father as I was born when he started playing footy. Concerned…
    Draca – #122

  29. Lisa Edwards says

    Wish I could have been there, well done Jerk.
    Love from a wet China

  30. Sorry to have missed the events at Bob Neil #1 and later at the Havelock.

    Well done Darren!

    Hope to line up against you in the Masters Champs in Adelaide later this year.

  31. Was a memorable day indeed… Not so much a memorable night though! What the hell happened?

  32. Well played Jerk – I agree with Pump Iron Papps though – Rulebook should have paid that free kick from 300m away as is the case in nearly every AFL game each weekend. Saw Jack Paynter at the Adelaide Oval later on Saturday evening and he was a very happy man! I was not privy to the 3/4 time score and the ensuing comeback (just the final score) however have since viewed the entire last term via the link posted. Nose – you hit the nail on the head – most of us retired too early – I must admit I did play on in the KNTFL for 4 seasons after my last Uni appearance and finished playing at age 41. But compared to the great man Graetz that’s like retiring in your late 20’s!!
    Go Blackers!

  33. Thanks for the pics and summary there Book – made me feel like I was there instead of at the Crows loss. Well done to The Jerk – may you keep on keeping on – hope to give you a lace-out pass (15 metres out and dead in front) on Sunday at the next Greys match!

  34. Makes retiring at 34 look very soft and I was only abot half his size. Well done Jerk, great effort. Good day for the Club.

  35. Fantastic write up RB and definitley one of the best days to be part of and capture for posterity! the early morning crowd, avenue of KFC buckets, camera crews, appalling non-decisions of the Pultney umpire denying the Jerk his rightful place in history, hangers or near hangers, Bs gutsy win, Gillys 7 goal response to the Golden Grove discreditor and the raucous Showgirls celebrations made it one for the ages…might even put it all into a coffee table book one day ….Go Blacks

  36. The Jerk is King. Long live The Jerk.

  37. Well done Jerk, 500 games is amazing. We played our 100th games on the same day in 1990, to play 400 more is incredible. Sensational effort.

  38. Super Dazz says

    Great write up Book and through the miracle of modern technology it was on the web before I even had time to wash away the sweat.
    Humbling, truly humbling was the experience.
    Too see and catch up with so many old friends from over the journey I am truly a blessed individual. Apart from the personal high, to spend the day amongst good friends, playing the game I love for The Greatest Football Club in the known universe, it couldn’t have got any better.
    But it did.
    The rum cans took the edge off a sinking A grade feeling until I had to leave for a Richmond official pre-game function in town with Maddern and Fos early in the last quarter. I initially bollocked Bladrick for taking the piss when he texted news of a stunning 7 point victory but was celebrating hard when other official accounts tricked through. A brief and very blurred trip to the Havvey to discharge my official obligations of downing a beer or two and singing the odd ditty followed. Thanks to Pete Wachtel for contributing to my continued delinquency. Before rushing to AO to witness Richmond touch up the Fruit Tingles. Thus delivering the opportunity of joining the Richmond choir and belting out the third of my favorite anthems for the day (AUFC, Scum and Richmond). Magical!!!.
    I thank you all for being part of such a great day.
    I would also particularly like to thank my team mates Ben Vezis and Gary Krievs who had their own momentous achievements over run by a fat jerk. A sad fact that I can only apologize for, they both deserve so much better. To Wes who organizes everything and keeps everyone informed and from straying too far from the FGA and now he scum fold. A gun on the field but a true champion off it as well, a great friend, maker of fine banners (thankfully now not using strapping tape), event organizer and motivator. Without him and the KBR boys support getting me mobile and motivated I doubt this would ever have happened. Also to Rulebook, thanks to you this whole event is more documented than a presidential indiscression. I probably have fewer photos of my playing days than someone in witness protection, but not anymore!. Sure I could have used a helping hand with a free kick or two Saturday but for the first time in my life I didn’t actually care, I was just happy to be there. I’m also super glad you’re not sitting on the edge of my bed at 8 in the morning doing radio quiz’s anymore because I’m old and I need my sleep.
    A special thanks to Doc and the current Scum boys an as eclectic bunch of blokes as it’s ever been my privilege to play with. Everything about this team is interesting, bizarre and truly random. I love it and I’m so happy to be a part of it with you all. Thanks for having an old passed it, never was and making footy a fun game and truly social experience, I’ve barely noticed the pain. Top blokes one and all.
    Reflecting, 500 is a significant bundle of anything I guess. I would be happy with it in my wallet after a day at the races. In this case I’m just grateful to have been part of the Greatest Football Club in the World and to have met the people I have, doing what I love. The AUFC with its entire history and amateur ethos deserves a 500 game player; I’m glad to be of some use and provided that, because the club has given me so much more.
    A closing thought, play as long as you can if you enjoy it and remember that black is both easy to clean and slimming, which can be handy!.
    The Jerk

  39. Malcolm Ashwood says

    Simply superb Darren thank you as a fantastic club man and great friend thru the years !

  40. The Invisible One says

    For all the shit stirring we give book we all read his articles and he does a bloody good job thanks for all the work you do for the club and for being the 1 decent umpire in this grade ( shoot the scotch maggot ) . Brilliant by all the milestone men .
    Jerk you are a star and sensational , R book !

  41. Callum Reid says

    Great milestone Jerk, congratulations! Good summary as always Book

  42. Wren Thomas says

    Great story

  43. Well done Jerk. I put my old Blacks jumper on last weekend, trying to explain to my kids why. Hopefully they get to have an experience of meeting people like the AUFC community and the opportunity to explain such bizarre and celebrated things as people like Bob Neil, Darren Graetz, Chocka Bloch, Sandy Cockburn, Joe Nurk, and an endless list of blokes (and nicknames) that truly are all legends that make the collective memory of playing for the Blacks, truly, the World’s Greatest Football Club.

  44. Another ripper, Book. Sounds like a great day to have been out there.

  45. Rulebook must also be added to that shortlist of massive servants to the WGFC.

  46. Malcolm Ashwood says

    Thanks folks and the great man kicked goal number 1,400 yest playing for the greys
    ( the over 35s side ) in a comfortable win against pooraka

  47. Damian Newberry says

    Well done Rulebook and congratulations to Jerk . Is the man unbreakable? 500 games and still going. I hope the Jerk can crack the 600.

  48. chocka bloch says

    I never thought when this skinny kid turned out at Bob Neil 1 for his first game that he would chalk up a casual 500 games thirty-odd years later. In my mind he’s most famous for inspiring the club anthem “He’s fatty little Darren Graetz he’s fat as fat can be”, and keeping the Queen’s Head financial. Well done Jerk, you are a true legend and an inspiration to us all!

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