The Completely, Absolutely Reliable, 100% Guaranteed Guide to the 2018 AFLW Season

In which I give you many utterly fail safe predictions for the upcoming AFLW season. You can play along! Use this guide as a checklist. If you reach AFLW Bingo, let me know! 

 

 

Game 1, Round 1 – Carlton v Collingwood, Ikon Park

 

Firstly, it should be noted that this game will absolutely be a lockout. And for the second year in a row, the AFL upper echelons (I’m looking at you Gillon McLachlan) will express amazement that the players have so many mums, dads, best friends and siblings.

 

“They must have invited their aunties and uncles, too,” Gil will muse.

 

Official numbers will peak at 55,000, with locked out supporters instigating the newest tradition in women’s football – the Lockout Riot. Gil’s Lego man hair will be mussed when a disgruntled Collingwood supporter accuses him of  “…not taking the game seriously.” Gil will offer Andrew Demetriou Bobbleheads to all of the fans who miss the game. The Riot will consist of fans staring hard at McLachlan and swearing under their breath. The next day, the Herald-Sun will declare Apex responsible for the damage – sixteen snapped twigs in Princes Park and a dropped after school snack of pikelets with jam – and will leverage this coverage into a call for the return of corporal punishment in schools and at football games.

 

Eddie “Everywhere but Ikon Park” McGuire will miss his club’s opening game as he will be hosting the Third Triennial Interstate Polka Dancing Semi-Final in Hahndorf, South Australia. This playoff will be broadcast live and uninterrupted on Fox Sports as well as on Eddie’s very own Channel 9

 

 

Broadcasting Rights – Free to Where and Short Wave Radio

 

At a ceremony hosted by Rex Hunt, Gary Ablett Senior and Brian Taylor, the AFL will proudly announce that they have sold television rights to season to the newly formed Baby John Burgess Broadcasting Corporation (BJBBC). The BJBBC will show highlights of the AFLW games interspersed with reruns of Balls of Steel Australia, hosted of course, by Baby John Burgess himself.  This will all take place on Channel Z, inspired of course by the B52s song of the same name. The B52s, in turn, will sue the BJBBC and will settle out of court for an undisclosed sum. Consequently, the B52s will then own the rights to televise AFLW matches and they will do so with panache, hiring an all-women expert commentary panel, with a couple of male boundary riders to add colour and movement. Neither of these boundary riders will be Cameron Ling.

 

Radio rights will go to 3XY, now broadcast on a short-wave radio out of a shed in Ernie Sigley’s back yard.

 

 

Off the Field

 

The media will face stiff financial penalties for breaching any of the following Rules for Broadcasters (Girl’s Edition, 2018)

 

Not describing Emma Kearney as a “dual-sport athlete” regardless of the context.

 

Any sentence about Katie Brennan must begin with a reference to her injury-ruined 2017 campaign. Acceptable variations include “Looking for atonement” “After an injury-wracked 2017” and any use of the words “redemption” “comeback” or “payback” or “revenge”.

 

Every Erin Phillips puff-piece must use a minimum of three of the following words or phrases: “Olympian”, “mother of twins”, “wife”, “gay”, “daughter of…” “Sister-in-law of…” “Basketball” and finally, and most controversially, “Adelaide”.

 

Every player in the AFLW must be compared to a male player during commentary. For example, every player who shrugs a tackle will be referred to as a “female Dustin Martin” although very few of the AFLW players have been investigated for threatening someone with a pair of chopsticks.

 

Four observations/factoids must be emphasised about Moana Hope:

 

She’s looking really fit.

 

She has a girlfriend who is a model.

 

She’s from Glenroy which is near Broadmeadows which is where Eddie is from.

 

She has tattoos!

 

 

On the field

 

Each team will face a 12-point penalty for not fielding a side featuring a player named Katherine or some derivative of this name. Acceptable variations will include Kate, Katie, Kath or Cath, Catherine, Caitlin, Kaitlyn, Kaitlin, Caitlyn, Cait, Kait or Kayte. AFL officials will draw the line at Quayte. Bitter protests lodged by Kate-less reigning premiers Adelaide will see a brace of Sarahs (Perkins and Allan) and Jessicas (Sedunary and Allan again) become an acceptable alternative. Fremantle will also complain, but no one will listen because they are not the West Coast Eagles.

 

When Melbourne finishes on top of the ladder, the Grand Final will not be held in Melbourne as one might expect. Owing to a catastrophic and mysterious over-watering of every football ground in our fair city, the Dees will be forced to play their big game elsewhere. The One Day in March Match will be staged at a hastily constructed oval at the Dubbo Plains Zoo, once all the wildebeest have all been sedated.

 

 

Workplace/BBQ/Schoolyard Talk about the AFLW – A List of Encounters You Can Expect

 

That annoying person from IT will corner you to explain how the AFLW is not really “as good” as the men’s game but that he was surprised about “how hard the girls go”. You stun him and end all such pearls of wisdom directed your way by mildly commenting that, amazingly, the AFLW games are not for an audience of one and that not everything is for him. The truth of this statement rips a hole in the space-time continuum. Time is out of joint, as Hamlet said. On the negative side, the Black Death returns. On the positive side, Debbie Lee, Rohenna Young and a host of women’s footy legends younger selves slip through the hole and are drafted for season 2019.

 

Some bloke, who incidentally, never made it past the Bundoora Auskick stage, will say that Daisy Pearce would not last five minutes in a suburban under 16 boys game. You refrain from rolling your eyes so hard that you sprain yourself and instead resort to staring pointedly at his paunch. You then buy 60 Daisy Pearce Bobbleheads and leave them all over the office/classroom/workshop.

 

At a family gathering, Bob Drywall, of Carnegie at will attempt a BBQ stopper moment by claiming that all AFLW players are “dykes”. You punch in “I Am What I Am” into the Spotify playlist and yell “SO WHAT UNCLE BOB?” Your mother tells you to calm down. You eat all of Bob’s chops in revenge.

 

A friend will tell you they meant to get to some games, but they could not find out when the games were on. You are cynical, until you try a Google search of AFLW Fixture and the men’s  AFLX fixture pops up along with a two for one Gil McLachlan Bobblehead offer.

 

A ‘fan’ of women’s footy refers to Darcy Vescio as a goal sneak or opportunist. You give yourself a double hernia from the strain of refraining from correcting them. Vescio is clearly a key forward, that is how she plays, and she is good in the air and can beat much larger opponents. But you don’t want to sound like the know-it-all dickhead you have so obviously become, so you opt for repressing your knowledge and developing a painful condition that has to be corrected by surgery at  later date.*

 

 

And finally

 

Keep this checklist handy as the season proceeds. If you are the first entrant to declare AFLW BINGO you will be mailed three hundred Andrew Demetriou Bobbleheads, COD.**

 

 

*This really happened. Sort of.

 

**No correspondence will be entered into, force majeure.

 

Read more about
The Women’s
Footy Almanac 2017

HERE

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

About Jackie Lynch

North Melbourne fan by birth, but Bulldogs for the AFLW and Darebin Falcons for the VFLW. I am a high school teacher in the Mighty West and a parent of two kids. Other interests include history, reading, running slowly and the Facebook Page Shit Brick Fences of Melbourne.

Comments

  1. Yvette Wroby says:

    Love it Jackie but won’t sleep tonight thinking of AndrewD bobblehead thingys.

  2. Kasey Symons says:

    The ‘Workplace/BBQ/Schoolyard Talk about the AFLW – A List of Encounters You Can Expect’ conversations hit way too close to home Jackie!

    Great stuff but yes, like Yvette, the thought of an Andy D bobblehead also terrifies me!

  3. Stephanie Holt says:

    Love it.

    There’s the making of a very dangerous drinking game hidden in this piece. I’ll personally look forward to downing an Aperol Spritz at all the Gil/Eddie ones, and a nice slug of my special-occasion whiskey for all the Dusty/Mo references.

  4. Jackie Lynch says:

    Thanks everyone! I had a lot of fun writing this article. Perhaps an AFLW commentary drinking game is the way to go to extend the theme. I also have a bunch of jokes for a piece about how terrible nicknames in the AFLW are. I mean, come on, people, Daisy Pearce has been wowing them on the footy field since whenever and her nickname is “Daise”?

  5. Loved the article! Readers might also be interested in this upcoming exhibition:
    http://redgallery.com.au/01-february-18-february-you-kick-like-a-girl-women-in-football-2/

  6. Jackie Lynch says:

    Thanks Fleur. I’d love to get along to that exhibition.

  7. Liz Lynch says:

    That’s my daughter
    You have a wonderful way with words Jackie and I laughed several times while reading your article even when I wasn’t sure what you were referring to at times.
    A proud mother

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