The Beeaanly Bugle: Season 1, From D to E





Season 1, From D to E.



As the halftime sirens around Somerville Recreation Centre all buzz (not quite at the same time, but near enough to it), The Beeaans, halfway through their first every game, look up to the scoreboard, and it really is hard not to laugh. The generic electronic scoreboard reads-    Team A: 20. Team B: 0. Unfortunately for The Beeaans, they are Team B. The situation is dire, the leader, Grandpa Bean, old faithful, cracked a rib the day before. Lemony Snickets eat your heart out, because THIS, is a series of unfortunate events.


The boys crack on with the second half, much better than the first half, although that wasn’t a hard ask. There are some moments in history you just never forget where you were. The moon landing, when Richmond won the 2017 premiership (top deck, about 25 rows back at the Punt Road end, in the pocket), the death of a monarch, The Beeaans first points. All huge moments in history.


Who else but Skip to score our first points, a classic big man scoring them in the paint, a nice layup to open up the account, and there were three more baskets for the boys that day. Another layup from Skip, a put-back layup from Pigwan, and a three pointer from the Pigwan. Normally I wouldn’t list every basket we made on a night, but when it takes so little time, why not? The final scores read 40-9, with The Beeaans committing more fouls (11), than points made on the night. And as the old saying goes, the only way is up!



Pigwan forced to take a backwards step. 


The next game was momentous, we had our Grandpa in for his debut! Along with this, both Chinwag and Pigwan were unavailable this week, so we had a special Phil Inn. Phil clearly had his Weet-Bix that morning because he poured in 18 points, hitting four of the ugliest bank shots you will ever see. Grandpa Bean dropped 10 on his debut, a welcome sight, but The Beeaans, yet to learn how to defend, allowed an onslaught of points, losing 58-34. Another notable event from this game was No Ice scoring his first points in a basketball game. It may not look like it, but The Beeaans were improving.


They lost their next game 46-27, with Moss now scoring his first points. Bit by bit, The Beeaans were looking more and more like a basketball team.


With Christmas approaching, The Beeaans were still yet to compete with all eight on one night. It finally happened the first game back after the break, all eight Beeaans took to the court. In hindsight, there might have been a reason we weren’t doing that. The Beeaans fell 35-13, and remember earlier when I said, “the only way is up”? Well that wasn’t entirely true, because after this game, we got bumped down from D grade to E grade, mid-season. Talk about embarrassing. This piece doesn’t even need me to try make it comedic, it just is.



Brick City.


So from D, to E, The Beeaans embarked on a new chapter, plying their trade in a new division. First game, even worse that you’d think considering we were moved down a grade. Losing 57-17, on a positive note, it really can’t get much worse, and a little spoiler alert, it hasn’t been worse than that yet. The Beeaans continued on the losing streak for three more weeks, losing 42-27, 43-23, and 30-23. Slowly, The Beeaans were getting somewhat competitive.


Then something amazing happened. The Beeaans won. It was a gutsy effort, and you’ll have to come back next week to find out more, but it happened, we were elated. Afterwards, we went out and got parmas. What better way to cap off a win than a good feed, with some good beers.


Unfortunately, just as the wheels got rolling, a little thing happened around the world that you probably heard of, the whole pandemic. Luckily for us, Australia is in a state of relative normality, and you get to read about more of The Beeaans antics, week in week out.


And that’s all from this week, come back next week for The Beeaans Go Bang!




To read more of the Beeaanly Bugle by Connor Hoetzel click HERE


The Tigers (Covid) Almanac 2020 will be published in 2021. It will have all the usual features – a game by game account of the Tigers season – and will also include some of the best Almanac writing from the Covid winter.  Pre-order HERE


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  1. Go the Beeaans. Looking forward to reading about the first win.

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