AFL Round 3 – North Melbourne v Port Adelaide: No Pudding for Dennis

As an impartial supporter dragged along to the game by my mate Brad, who follows the Kangas, I am hoping for something to make the day memorable. A bag of goals by Boomer perhaps? A Westhoff Hanger? Salvation comes in the form of a late 30s bloke in a non-descript white t-shirt who is sitting next to his mother a few rows in front of us.

For the sake of this story I will call him Dennis. Not sure why. It just suits. Dennis captures my attention early in the game. I immediately think what a nice bloke he is taking his mum to the footy. Two minutes into the game when he drops the F-bomb and bangs the chair next to him after a Kangas clanger, narrowly missing mum’s right earhole, I start to question Dennis.

I quickly make a number of assumptions on Dennis for my own amusement:

1. Dennis Lives with Mum, out the back in a grannyflat, in Footscray

2. His Mum purchased and ironed his pristine white t-shirt and layed it out for him along with his acid wash jeans and sneakers, circa 1986.

3. Dennis works in sales at his local Retrovision store and can probably get me a good price on some batteries.

4. Dennis pays no rent and over the last 20 years has saved more money than I will see in my lifetime.

5. Dennis is single and frequents various King street establishments with his pocket money.

As the teams slug it out in the first quarter, Dennis continues to scream blue murder at every Kangas mistake, 50/50 umpire call or any Port supporter in the vicinity who applauds their team.

Poor mum (who is decked out in a Knitted scalf from the 70s) keeps to herself, turning a blind eye to rage. I sense she has seen it all before and decides it is best not to poke the bear.

Brad and I have great seats. Down on the fence near the players. The advantage of being a North supporter according to Brad is you get great seats because no other bastard turns up. Ollie Wines is a metre in front of us. The kid is wearing more baby oil on his arms than Arnie did in Commando. In fact all the Port players seem to be caked in it. I think they use the sunscreen method of reapplying every few hours. I can know tell why football department spending is out of control.

A good game is unfolding. Port look a step ahead, but the Kangas are holding on. Thomas is an old fashioned forward pocket. He flocks around packs like a seagull and jumps on every opportunity to snag a few. Boak is a gem, the first time I have seen him up close. Gee he works hard, I’m glad he stayed and didn’t go to the Cats, every team needs a Boak. Half time and not much in it.

Dennis mum disappears to buy snacks for her man child. His heart rate drops back to 148 as the little league kids take the field.

Brad and I discuss if either of us would get a kick if we played the second half. I suspect not.

The players come out and the pressure builds on North. Goals are traded and neither side is taking the game by the scruff of the neck. New boy Daniel Currie drops a few clangers, Brad thinks he may not have any thumbs given the way the ball crashes to the ground. The Kangas bomb the ball into the forward 50, Petrie flies for everything but is running on tired legs. He waits for something lace out but it doesn’t come.

Three quarter time and a few goals in it. History tells us Port will storm away. The Kangas have other ideas and start to rally. Boomer is running around like a 22 year old and Cunnington arrives as a player. Monfries ices his hammy and the Port run has stopped. The momentum is in Blue and White. Dennis can’t watch, I can’t stop watching Dennis, fearing a heart attack, or perhaps Mum clipping him with her purse. The Drama. The leaders stand up for North and get over the line in a great game.

Hugs all round. Dennis looks like he has won Tatts Lotto, Mum is relieved, however, I suspect their will be no pudding for Dennis tonight due to his behaviour.

NORTH MELBOURNE     3.2   7.3    9.11   14.13   (97)
PORT ADELAIDE             4.3   6.8   11.9   13.12    (90)
North Melbourne: Thomas, Harvey 3, Mullett 2, Black, Macmillan, Thompson, Goldstein, Dal Santo
Port Adelaide: Schulz 3, Monfries, Wingard, Hartlett 2, Wines, Westhoff, Boak, Braodbent, Jacobs
North Melbourne: Cunnington, Thomas, Harvey, Dal Santo
Port Adelaide: Boak, Hartlett, Wines,
3 – Cunnignton
2 – Thomas
1- Boak


About craig dodson

Born in the sporting mecca that is Wagga Wagga and now reside in Melbourne with my lovelly wife Sophie and son's Jack and Harry. Passionate Swans supporter and formally played cricket at a decent level and Aussie Rules at a not so decent level! Spend my days now perfecting my slice on the golf course and the owner of the worlds worst second serve on the tennis course.


  1. Malcolm Ashwood says

    Very entertaining Craig can we have , Dennis reports in future , Kanga games Knackery folk ? Love the arnie baby oil line
    Thanks Craig top write up !

  2. Andrew Starkie says

    I wish I was Dennis.

  3. I hope Dennis never coaches junior footy.

  4. craig dodson says

    Dennis may be hard to spot at future games, I suspect his mum selects a different colour t-shirt for him every week from the multi colour 5 pack she purchased from Big W 8 years ago.

  5. As Blondie sung,

    Oh when we walk it always feels so nice
    And when we talk it seems like paradise
    Denis Denis I’m so in love with you.

    I know they’re wrong, but stereotypes can be such good fun!

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