Round 3 – Collingwood v St Kilda: Party Pies in the Twilight Zone (Floreat Pica Society)


Saturday 20 June 2020




by Ramon Dobb


It’s hard to believe I made my FPS debut 11 years ago, alongside Sidey’s playing debut, at the 2009 Round 7 Pies v Saints game (the infamous “three buffalo girls go round the outside” game). Since then I’ve put my hand up to report on a few Saints games, so I thought it was about time for another one.


Pies v St Kilda games are family affairs for me, with the better half a long suffering Saints fan. Today’s game was an even bigger family affair – it was the first birthday party for our little Grandson, Eli. With the big birthday celebrations, no spectators at games and the restricted pub access, it threw my viewing options into turmoil.  I sacked Foxtel a couple of years ago, so having committed to this FPS match report I took some decisive action late in the week.  I purchased a Chromecast HDMI device, subscribed to Kayo, downloaded the Kayo App on my iPhone, logged into it on my laptop, connected up everything via wi-fi and Bluetooth and Bob’s your uncle! Well, Joel’s your uncle if you’re Eli.


I look at that Chromecast sentence and wonder if someone had written that sentence 11 years ago, I would have thought they were from the Twilight Zone – what a weird world of change we live in.  And speaking of the Twilight Zone, I check twitter an hour before game time and it’s going viral with Emperor Dan’s strict new rules and another Essendon scandal, with the luck of the Irish not even working these days – Connor McKenna testing positive to the dreaded COVID-19!  I recall what I think was the original AFL advice that if anyone tested positive that the season would be stopped for 30 days and I immediately think the worst.  Thankfully Gil’s running a lean agile organisation and announces that our Saturday twilight game and all others apart from the Dons & Dees will go ahead this weekend.


It’s getting close to game time and most of the guests have disappeared, so it’s time to enter the Twilight Zone to get this Chromecast Kayo thingy working and watch the footy. There’s been lots of talk around the traps of the Saints pace and their big win last week.  With some massive upsets already this round, there’s a few nerves, but I like our changes of Stevo and Wills in for JT and Madgen.  I’m also pleased we’re on the ‘G and we’ve had a couple of extra days break than them, especially after the big breaks between rounds one and two.  It’s also great to see Maynard notching up his milestone of 100 games – I’ve always loved his attack on the footy and determination, and after a few brain fades in his early seasons he’s been a cracking player for us.


It’s game on. We start off with a couple of shockers; a Grundy turnover – that resembled one of Micky McGuane’s kicks on that fateful day at Vic Park where his painkiller injection to the groin went horribly wrong – leads to the Saints first goal. A Phillips miss from directly in front isn’t giving me the warm and fuzzies. But we start to get our mojo back and some Harlem Globetrotter pass the parcel work on the members flank sees Pendles deliver a gift wrapped perfect pass to the returning Stevo, who kicks our first sausage roll.  A couple of minutes later a great Mayne smother and tackle leads to Stevo showing his class with an intercept and snap goal – he’s having a birthday out there! Ohhhh it’s soooo good to have him back!  Speaking of class, Elliott is looking lively after a quiet one last week and slots two great goals.  Grundy is ruling the ruck; Sidey, Crisp, Adams, Pendles, Hoskin-Elliott and Noble provide plenty of drive.  The Saints get one back after some plucky play up forward, but Sidey responds almost immediately with a great opportunist left foot snap.


Quarter time sees us with a 20-point lead and Eli and I have shared our first quarter of footy together (with many more to come), but it’s been a big day so he and the rest of the family all head home. With the farewells and a few quick clean up jobs to do eating  into the first few minutes of the second quarter, I grab my phone and connect the AFL App. I hear the Saints kick their second goal of the quarter and are within eight points, while the Kayo stream on the TV is still yet to start! I must have hit the “from start” instead of “live” button when I started the pre-match viewing which meant I was slightly delayed – I’ll fix that up at half-time.


After catching up on the first two Saints goals, we click back into action with a great triple effort by Crisp. He nearly marks, gathers and does the old One-Two to set up Mihocek for a clever mark and goal.  This starts party time for the Pies; we play like a bunch of kids pouncing on treats from a Pinata. Tyler Brown shows some class, selling some candy and kicking his first AFL goal. Adams, Mihocek again and De Goey all goal as the lead balloons out to 38 points at half-time.  A couple of injury concerns in the quarter turn out to be non-issues – Maynard hobbling off with a knee, Adams crunched and winded and Darcy dislocating his finger. Sidey, Crisp and Pendles are all busy; the backline are again almost impenetrable and Grundy is having his usual presents, oops I mean presence at stoppages and around the ground.


At half-time I get my Kayo back to the live stream and I’m feeling pretty relaxed, as I reckon we’ve blown the candles out on this game and it’s a matter of how far. But the third quarter starts like the first – a dodgy turnover, this time by Mayne, for a Jono Marsh goal. Then, another easy Pies miss, courtesy of Elliott from 20 metres out. Minutes later he acts like a spoilt child with his ambitious shot on the run from the boundary when he had De Goey clear on the lead.  Don’t tell me we’re going to waste our chances and throw away another big lead like last week?  Thankfully not. We still dominate around the ground and in general play. Our backline is awesome but we let ourselves down with poor and indecisive delivery inside forward 50.  The second half is as scrappy as the family room floor after all the presents were unwrapped, with defences on top and poor delivery for the forwards.  Similar to last week, it was a cringe-worthy low scoring second half. A goal to Cal Brown in the third and another one to the emerging goal kicking midfielder Taylor Adams see us outscore the Saints 2.5 to 1.5 for the half en route to a cruisy 44-point win.


The Pies sing the song loud, proud and with great (honey) joy!


So to the wrap up. Sidey, Pendles, Grundy, Crisp, Maynard and Adams played their usual strong prolific games.  The tall backs in Moore, Howe and Roughie did great jobs in dominating their zone. I liked Noble’s game after copping some heat from supporters last week – he provided great run and used the ball really well. Daics looked pretty good again. WHE and Elliott were much improved. De Goey showed some signs that he’s hopefully almost ready to cut loose. Stevo is all class and hopefully back to his best when he gets match fit. Mihocek was good with limited opportunities. Wills showed some promise with his clearance and strong inside work. Tyler showed some class and hopefully we continue to get games into him, but Cal was very quiet and disappointing – he needs to get some four quarter consistency into his game. Phillips was very ordinary, Mayne did some good things but also had some shockers while Cameron was very quiet and not up to it yet as a forward option.


So we continue our dominance from the back half while performing strongly in the midfield too. But our talented and inconsistent forward line is still working itself out. I’m happy with 10 points from our first three games, and look forward to taking on the Giants next week. Then we can see what the heck is going to happen with the Bomber’s game the following week.


So to the votes,  which probably could have gone to half a dozen players.  The Damian Monkhorst Medal goes to:

3 votes – Steele Sidebottom – busy all night as top possession getter, great goal in the first and seeing though we both debuted at the same game, he takes the cake as BOG.

2 votes – Jack Crisp – Part of the all-conquering backline and provided great drive forward. Had a high disposal efficiency. The eye-catching blonde hair worked well for him!

1 vote – Brayden Maynard – Similar game to his backline buddy Crispy as he gets some special treatment for his milestone.


Grundy was unlucky not to get a vote, but that first quarter turnover and the shocking new moustache just swayed me against him.


Go Pies, Floreat Pica and Hip Hip Hooray.


COLLINGWOOD     5.3 10.4 11.7 12.9 (81)

ST KILDA     2.1 4.2 5.6 5.7 (37)



Collingwood: Stephenson 2, Elliott 2, Mihocek 2, T. Brown 2, Adams 2, Sidebottom, De Goey

St Kilda: Butler 2, Marshall, King, Marsh



Collingwood: Sidebottom, Grundy, Crisp, Pendlebury, Adams, Maynard

St Kilda: Gresham, Butler, Hill, Jones, Carlisle



Our writers are independent contributors. The opinions expressed in their articles are their own. They are not the views, nor do they reflect the views, of Malarkey Publications.


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About Ramon Dobb

A footy and cricket fanatic. A lifelong passionate one eyed Mighty Magpie fanatic. My writing is unashamedly written with one black & white eye open only - so please don't take offence, it's nothing personal, it's just the black & white way! Also a lifelong player and member of Washington Park Cricket Club, the Mighty Sharks. My 15 minutes of fame includes regular contributions to Hot Pies, the 1999-2004 Fanzine, and regular contributor to the Coodabeen Champions weekly competition from their heady 3RRR days. Go Pies and Floreat Pica.

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