Round 14 – Richmond v Brisbane: The Feeling’s Neutral

The call went out earlier this week from the Richmond subset of my legion of Twitter followees to assemble at the ‘G for Saturday’s game. I’m not sure how I came to have a distinct Richmond slant in my timeline but I’m not complaining (even if they usually are).


Anyhoo, with the resident takeaway food vendor scoring a shift at this game and the fact that there had been a lack of live footy in my life since Round 7, I muscled my way onto the guest list.


The conveyor @Harri_Chas_17, drew a wide barrier in the man flu stakes and was wisely held back until a more favourable draw. I was first to the Shirley Strickland (née de la Hunty) barrier; my phone pings telling me that the rest of the field had left the mounting yard, although @cmrnmnning. was delayed by the Frankston float replacement service and I realise that I’ve run out of horse racing similes.


First to lob was @ASpeedingCar. We shared our strident views on the morning’s brief Rage punk special, (Romeo Void? Blink 182?) and our mutual disrespect for top end of town consulting fwits who seem to wear their ignorance of our mutual professional specialisation as a very overpriced badge of honour. When we spied an unkempt bloke, smoke a danglin’ from bottom lip left, we both decided that the PJFC logo on his greasy black hoodie most likely stood for Peter Jackson (pass them ’round).


@cmrnmnning, who I was meeting for the first time and the many handled @TKYC aka @Footy_Maths fronted soon after so we proceeded to negotiate the once simple egress into the MCG.


In the entry queue, I noted that the woman in front of me in the white Lions away jumper was wearing very thin thongs on what @TKYC later noted was a “two pair of socks day” (at least). She may have been a model for one of those fungal nail treatment ads (Before, not After) but she was certainly toey.


Already seated behind the goals at the Gate 4 end and saving our seats, was the dad and daughter pairing @DadAndMog, producers of their eponymous podcast sensation, footy whimsy at its best. (It’s not too late to catch up at ). Young son Richie was the only one among us without a Twitter account (to my knowledge), but given that his full name is Richmond (truly), he has enough to deal with. I introduced myself to Mog by providing her with a clever Brisbane spoonerism, which is one of their weekly pod features. Hatt Mammelmann, now that you ask.


I was attending as a neutral, but my Crows scarf made me appear to be supporting the visitors. I didn’t care about the result, I wasn’t attending in expectation of a cracker (13v17 after all), but I hoped that my companions would be in good cheer in a few hours.


We all took a pleasant double take when the Lions came out wearing the maroon with white FFC logo jumper. Today’s on-field outfits brought to mind the 1970 half time meet and greet with today’s clubs by our monarch when she was roughly half her current age. I had to take a look at later that night to see when the Lions last dressed up as the Gorillas.


We didn’t have to wait long for a close up view of the action, Schache’s clunk and checkside bringing up twin calicos. Lewis Taylor brought up the second and was hardly sighted thereafter, along with the rest of his team.


Careful note was taken of the energetic and diligent performance of the ball-person seated behind the goal umpy. She was very energetic. We were so observant that we were disappointed to discover that, like the goal umps, the ball-persons swap ends at half-time. The Punt Rd End second half smirking Sherrin shifter was on good terms with himself, perhaps he had found out that his application to be the bloke that puts up and brings down the nets behind the goals pre-game had been successful.


Our proximity to the fence allowed us to observe Razor Ray up close. Should’ve brought my binoculars.


At quarter time, another minor functionary was despatched to our end to recalibrate the goal post camera shift the padding around a few degrees.


This was one of those matches where the scoreboard told you all you needed to know. @ASpeedingCar noted that Richmond’s game plan seemed to centre around getting the pill to the front edge of the centre square, then kicking it as deeply into the forward pocket as you could possibly get. It was as if there were bonus points awarded for degree of difficulty. Brisbane’s was to avoid getting their one-off jumpers soiled, dirt free footy, if you will.


Riewoldt J was always looking dangerous, but was also on the arse end of a very Richmond coast-to-joke passage of play when he dropped the footy in the goal square, fell over, then got pinged when he dragged it in. I hadn’t realised that You Spud Vickery was from Bungaree, but he shut me up with one out of his backside in the second stanza. Troy Chaplin played his best game for the season.


Hampson played a belter in the second quarter, dominating in the air, but faded thereafter. Martin had lots of it but even if he was BOG, I’d only give him 1.5 votes, such was the opposition and general standard of the contest.


Eric Hipsterwood led the slight Lions resurgence in the last, much to my chagrin. I needed Richmond to win by 37+ points to take a point from @ASpeedingCar in the @FMITL tipping comp, but as the margin was whittled, the smirk I was wearing earlier almost couldn’t be revived, but a few late goals at our end sealed my win.


Her shift over, Pie-Girl joined us, still bearing slight traces of the caramelised onions that were a popular garnish on her takeaway cart today (and the night before also).


As the game limped to its end, I one of us amused young Richie with a dad joke involving broccoli and nasal discharge. He took us aback with the news that he found snot too salty. I hope his dad (who moonlights as @theholyboot) doesn’t find out about this exchange.


Siren time and the nearby Tiges throng had avoided disappointment, which is probably all that they can hope for at this point of 2016. Trout from Woodend had already discarded his customary yellow curly wig, but still looked silly in his Tiger patterned lycra leggings. I’m glad I didn’t see him front on.


I told Pie-Girl that she had to sing the key words of the Richmond song. She belied her lack of knowledge of the second-best-in-the-league club song by yelling “Yellow and Gold” instead of, well, you know.


On the way out, @TKYC asked for my input as it was his turn to vote in the Benny award ( – he wisely dismissed my hasty post-match reflections.


After we farewelled each other, Pie-Girl decided to grab a post-work donut with me. On the way back, we ran into @TKYC again – I reckon the double-goodbye happens more often than you’d think.


Twitter later informed me that @ASpeedingCar and @cmrnmnning kicked on “back at the club”, nabbing the CEO and Flea Weightman for cheeky snaps, but Mog + Richie snagged one with Dimma himself, capping off a big day all round for my Tiges cobbers.


I bathed in their reflected happiness.


RICHMOND 5.4 9.8 14.11 17.15 (117)
BRISBANE LIONS 2.0 4.0 6.3 11.9 (75)


Richmond: Riewoldt 4, Edwards 2, Menadue 2, Lloyd 2, Vlastuin 2, Deledio, Cotchin, Vickery, Miles, Ellis
Brisbane Lions: Hipwood 3, Taylor 2, Green, Walker, Schache, Jansen, Martin, Hanley


Richmond: Martin, Riewoldt, Vlastuin, Ellis, Menadue, Rance
Brisbane Lions: Hipwood, Mayes, Rockliff, Jansen, Mathieson


Umpires: Fisher, Margetts, Dalgleish, Chamberlain


Official crowd: 28,883 at the MCG

About Mark 'Swish' Schwerdt

Saw my first SANFL game in 1967 - Dogs v Peckers. Have only ever seen the Dogs win 1 final in the flesh (1972 1st Semi) Mediocre forward pocket for the AUFC Blacks (1982-89) Life member - Ormond Netball Club -That's me on the right


  1. McAlmanac says

    It was a shocking game of football between two poor sides.

  2. Good reading in preparation for Eagles and Bombers tomorrow night. “A shocking game of football between two poor sides”?
    Count me in as an antidisestwittterian. I could never say anything in under 140 characters.
    Where can I buy a PJFlynn Cult hoodie?

  3. Dave Brown says

    Thought twitter seemed quiet on Saturday arvo…

  4. Luke Reynolds says

    Swish, a “Chaplin” of Rulebook-like proportions. If memory serves me correct reckon I saw him running around in the VFL at Victoria Park on Sunday. Well played.
    Recognised most of those names from Twitter, have been a very recent convert to the Dad & Mog Podcast.
    Been looking for a Gordon Agars podcast, do you know if one exists?

  5. Mark 'Swish' Schwerdt says

    Thanks all

    I neglected to mention the annoying flap, perhaps velcro, that was hanging off the left hand goal post, like a strip of flypaper waiting to turn a shot for goal into a point. It is still annoying @cmrnmnning, so I’ll have a squiz this weekend and see if it remains..

    Gordon’s sesquicentennial grant had a multi-media clause, but I understand that he can’t decide between a C60 or a flexi-disc.

  6. Rulebook says

    Step right up no reason why every 1 can’t sledge,Chaplin.i reckon it’s about 5 years since I went to a game as a neutral funny how the umpiring is generally better thanks,Swish

  7. Phillip Dimitriadis says

    Good stuff Swish. At the footy with the twitterati eh? Why wear a Crows scarf to the game? Honestly, I hope someone pointed out to you that you were “at the wrong game”?

  8. Hello there Swish.

    Last time I saw the Tigers was in 2014 when we set them on the record-breaking streak to the finals (ill-fated, as always).

    I reckon the only time I’ve seen the Lions was at Footy Park in 2002 against Port when we had full membership and I took my brother-in-law. It was a terrific game of footy, one of the best I’ve seen. Being a neutral is sometimes a wonderful idea, much undervalued.

    Razor Ray will one day be a musical, off-Broadway, of course.

  9. Mark 'Swish' Schwerdt says

    Book, I thought it was compulsory

    Phil, the scarf looked a treat on the Teev

    Mickey, sometimes you just feel like going to the footy. When you followed Centrals, you had no choice but to go as a neutral if it was September.

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