Round 11 – Pards’ Preview: Essendon v Port Adelaide

Scene 1: Pards alone on an empty stage calls the queen on a gold phone. There is a loud ringing. The queen answers.


2022 is not a season on which I shall look back with undiluted pleasure. It has turned out to be an annus horribilis.

Worse still, there’s a bucket full of soiled cloth nappies in the laundry, and the washing machine is not co-operating.

*There is a click. A loud vaccuum cleaner starts up.  Pards covers his ears. Fade to black.*


Scene 2: Pards sitting in a bar with Samuel Beckett on one side and Gerard Manly Hopkins on the other. Gerry is wearing an Essendon beanie.


No worst, there is none. Pitched past pitch of grief, More pangs will, schooled at forepangs, wilder wring.

Your words dost bounce off my cranium like footballs off 2 metre Peter’s rubber chest.

*The barmaid reaches in between the three gentlemen for their empties.*

The more times you lose, the better you get at losing… (Laughs)
You should know that Pards!

*Sam stands and steadies himself.*

Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better.

But what am I gonna do?

*Sam and Gerry turn away, both taking a sudden interest in the smokers on the footpath.*

Durham played well.

*Sam and Gerry say nothing.*

I can’t go on.

*Sam and Gerry turn and stare at Pards.*

You must go on.

We’ve got the bye next week.

We are the bye. The other teams are calling us “the bye”.

More Pangs.

(Rapid fire) Pang! Pang! Pang!

*They all laugh.*

I’ll go on.


Essendon will have an impeccable loss. Things brighten the week after.




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  1. Colin Ritchie says

    Cracker Pards!

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