Round 11 – Pards’ Preview: Essendon v Port Adelaide


Scene 1: Pards alone on an empty stage calls the queen on a gold phone. There is a loud ringing. The queen answers.

 

Queen:
2022 is not a season on which I shall look back with undiluted pleasure. It has turned out to be an annus horribilis.

Pards:
Worse still, there’s a bucket full of soiled cloth nappies in the laundry, and the washing machine is not co-operating.

*There is a click. A loud vaccuum cleaner starts up.  Pards covers his ears. Fade to black.*

 

Scene 2: Pards sitting in a bar with Samuel Beckett on one side and Gerard Manly Hopkins on the other. Gerry is wearing an Essendon beanie.

 

Gerry:
No worst, there is none. Pitched past pitch of grief, More pangs will, schooled at forepangs, wilder wring.

Pards:
Your words dost bounce off my cranium like footballs off 2 metre Peter’s rubber chest.

*The barmaid reaches in between the three gentlemen for their empties.*

Barmaid:
The more times you lose, the better you get at losing… (Laughs)
You should know that Pards!

*Sam stands and steadies himself.*

Sam:
Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better.

Pards:
But what am I gonna do?

*Sam and Gerry turn away, both taking a sudden interest in the smokers on the footpath.*

Pards:
Durham played well.

*Sam and Gerry say nothing.*

Pards:
I can’t go on.

*Sam and Gerry turn and stare at Pards.*

Sam:
You must go on.

Gerry:
We’ve got the bye next week.

Pards:
We are the bye. The other teams are calling us “the bye”.

Gerry:
More Pangs.

Sam:
(Rapid fire) Pang! Pang! Pang!

*They all laugh.*

Pards:
I’ll go on.

 

Prediction:
Essendon will have an impeccable loss. Things brighten the week after.

 

 

 

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Comments

  1. Colin Ritchie says

    Cracker Pards!

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