Power and water make a fizzer.

I’m in Lorne. Contrary to the weather guru’s best guess, it’s been a fabulous day. We’re sharing the weekend with long-term family friends the Bruces. Between us we’ve got five daughters aged three and under. The day has been spent exploring rockpools on the beach, jumping on trampolines, swinging on swings and searching for fairies in the forest.

To say I was looking forward to a beer, a good pub meal and a night closely scrutinising every bounce, touch and score would be to describe Miranda Kerr as an alright sort.

The Lorne Pub lives for summer. To visit in winter expecting a cosy nook to settle into was the night’s first exercise in futility. The beer gardens might make it rain money in the warmer months, but they’ve renovated the soul out of that place. It seems set up to extract the maximum amount of money from you while delivering the least amount of pleasure in return.

So we sat outside in the cold; wall of TAB screens to our left, lifeless beer in font of us. The outlook is worse in Adelaide. It’s pouring. They’ve let Tarrant (playing his 250th) and Chad Cornes (playing his last game) toss the coin. It also appears that Tarrant wins, but lets Chad choose which end to kick to. It didn’t feel patronising at the time. But in the context of what followed, you would swear you heard Taz say “Oh go on, we might as well let you win something”.

I find it hard to imagine that anyone enjoyed what followed. Not the 21,000-odd, or exceptionally odd, people that fronted to the game, the Collingwood supporters, not the AFL and definitely not Power fan. That’s right, I didn’t pluralise intentionally.

The game continually delivered a mixture of bizarre, hopeless, inspiring, insipid, silky and pathetic moments. The first two meaningful possessions of the game came from Razor Ray’s outstretched arm. The first shot on goal was a soccer off the ground from 20 meters out. It missed everything, yet still stayed in play. Seconds later Dane Beams, playing his first game for months and arguably one of the best of his short career, kicks the first major of the game.

Referring to my notes, the two standout entries in the first quarter are “this is shit” penned after a rushed behind that made the score line 19-0, and “You know what’s more interesting than this? Viagra Spam.” Luckily there’s a rushed behind so Port can at least pretend they’ve made an impact at quarter time: 41-1.

The second quarter starts and we learn that Port have already ‘activated their sub’ which, considering the conditions would have literally been a genius way of escaping the carnage. We also learn that Joffa, who’s already wearing the yellow jacket, rode to Adelaide on a pushbike to raise money for Epilepsy – which probably makes opposition fans hate him more. On a personal front, my Dreamteam is in more trouble than Port. I’m playing Smitty’s Stingers who have Dane Swan as captain. He’s already had it half a bajillion times.

We leave the pub at half time and march home to watch the rest by the heater with a bottle of red. It feels like a good plan. Except when we get home, we can’t get the tv to work. So imagine watching half of the worst game you’ve ever seen, then listening to rest with commentary from people who are genetically predisposed to hate both sides on the park. Un-fun.

So, I’m in exile in the meals area listening to the worst game the AFL Gods ever breathed life into through headphones, while everyone else basks in the warming glows of good red and the wood heater. The only way this could get worse would be if there was a see-sawing game being played concurrently who’s result actually meant something and was decided with a kick after the siren.

Swan ends with 155 Dreamteam points. Cloke kicked 3.6 to put him equal first in the race for the Coleman for a few hours. Blair had a ripper as did Ball and Davis. Ben Reid was his usual special self but was subbed off for Didak in the third.

The final siren was sweet mercy for all involved.

Port Adelaide 0.1 1.2 2.2 3.3 (21)

Collingwood 6.5 12.12 16.16 23.21 (159)


Port Adelaide Banner 2, Stewart

Collingwood Blair 4, Cloke 3, Swan 3, Beams 3, Krakouer 2, Brown 2, Jolly, Ball, Pendlebury, Rounds, Fasolo, Sidebottom.


Port Adelaide Banner, Boak, Chad Cornes (SV)

Collingwood Swan, Ball, Beams, Davis, Blair et al.

Umpires Chamberlain, Hay, Ryan.

Crowd 21,863 at AAMI Stadium

Our votes Swan(C) 3, Ball(C) 2, Davis(C) 1

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