Old Golfers

For golfers of a certain age, and by that I don’t mean young
the game’s now played with a different tone, one that’s loosely strung.


each year the ball is closer after hitting from the tee
which is really lucky coz none of us can see.


We can’t hit the distances that we could last year
and we can’t see which way it went, we largely play by ear.


‘ear, where did that go?’ ‘shout the older hackers
‘not far beyond the ladies tee,’ respond his fellow whackers.


The distance of our hitting is the source of sniggered scorn
and relates in some proportion to the year that we were born.


As to the actual flight path that the ball decides to take
where once we knew – now it leaves confusion in its wake.


Our group takes an uncharted course for all of the nine holes
tree to shrub to bushes seems to be the Srixon’s goal


And scoring is an ad-hoc thing, not every swing is counted
though shame on any marker if the final points are doubted.


A windy in the shrubbery may not always be detected
a score is only deemed to count if the stroke connected


or if your playing partner was there to see the shot
then you can negotiate one the ones that he forgot,


a handy club for the elderly is the trusty old Raoul Merton
to kick out to a clearer lie where a cleaner stroke is certain.


A keen observer of the game has come up with a theory
that only one in seven rounds meets par, now that is eerie,


so eighteen points of stableford in every seven rounds
while all the rest are ten or less – it’s truer than it sounds.


Where once we could play eighteen holes with heart and soul intact
now we barely get through nine, another old drawback.


A further golfing mystery is the static handicap
for thirty years it’s stayed the same or come out just a scrap,


we’ve study all the proper swings and grips, and buy new gear
but the fundamentals of the game remain a mystery.


One good shot in twenty will get you back next week
I think that all I really need is give my grip a tweak


And slow down on my back swing and adjust my follow through
and hit a thousand balls a week, thats what the big boys do.


I’m pleased to say one aspect of our old boys golfing play
that has improved, is sledging, we have a lot to say


false praise to ruin a confidence, or a carefully offered tip
or when he’s putting – drop a club, or let the velcro rip.


If getting under partners skin was a championship event
our old boys would excel I bet – with unsportsman-like intent.


We’ll criticise most aspects of each player’s game,
his stance, his shorts, his haircut – sledging has no shame.


If we can cause a wayward drive or a chip into the sand
with a carefully chosen sledge – we have gained command.


So though our golf’s declining and our scores are getting worse
we have found a way to gain the edge before they bring the hearse.


Cheating and malfeasance are handy tools to practice
and will conquer youths’ ability – and leave the bastards Cactus!


© The Rhymer


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