Melbourne Test – Day 2: Someone woke up the Barmies

As hard as this Test Match has been to bear, bringing up forgettable moments (worth FIVE DOLLARS CAAAAAAAAAAASH!) reminiscent of the UK experience of several months ago, at least the masses have come prepared to make a little noise. As strangely silent until inevitable defeat as the Barmy Army were in Brisbane, the platoon had swelled to the expected army size and brought the chanting voices with them.


So rather than do the usual dull thoughts on the day’s play (my thoughts are that England surely can’t lose the game, and that the batsmen seemingly are scared to try to make the bowlers change things up by looking for quick singles or advancing down the wicket. I know that the New Zealanders when coached by Steve Rixon were told to do that to Glenn McGrath with some success), here’s a look at Day 2 by my numbers

2A P2 D1: No that’s not my next 3 guesses to sink your battleship. That was my vantage point for the Day 2 action. Day 1 was on Level 2 in the blue seats, similar square leg location.

1: The number of balls Tim Bresnan survived against Mitchell Johnson. How he was dismissed was similar to how he almost perished the previous evening

500: The distance in metres Kevin Pietersen was looking to launch Johnson a few balls later only for the old fashioned “you miss, I hit” routine to strike yet again. ABC Radio later described this as trying to launch him into Toorak, but as he was aiming toward the city end I dare say he may have been aiming for Seymour (the town as opposed to Skinner or Butts).

0: The witty signs emerging from the crowd that used to be a staple of the summer. Several English flags adorned with city names and football clubs though. There was a pair on Day 1 that caught the eye, an ode to the time Lisa Simpson needed braces. Still a long way behind the sign of the summer from Day 2 in Brisbane, where a witty pair printed the faces of each and every English player and placed them in the slot onto the stick figure on the bike with “On Ya Bike” held up alongside

2: Number of batsmen bowled shouldering arms….3 if you include Carberry on Day 1….4 if you include Rohit Sharma who added his name to the list in Durban as I type this!

4: The number of times the message “If You Throw, You Go” was flashed on the refurbished replay screens. Many in and around Bay 13 didn’t heed that message via intoxication, particularly after the desctruction of several beer cup snakes in the last session.

3: Catches so far for Jonny Bairstow behind the stumps. Obviously there is no Peter Matera in the Australian team at this stage to make his decent performance look like one of a scapegoat for defeat

–  2: The number of DRS reviews on Day 2 used by the players, BOTH were successful in overturning Aleem Dar’s decision

8: The minutes Billy Bowden took over those DRS decisions, just to let us know he’s still around and everyone should look at him as usual.

6: The number of Security personnel one drunken patron tried to free his mate from in the final session in the Southern Stand, to be truthful he actually fared slightly worse, although he didn’t get….

2: Softish Right Crosses to the jaw courtesy of a security guard trying to hold said mate. It looked like a love tap, when in truth it probably was a little more foreceful

5: People from that group eventually tossed out. They certainly weren’t the only ones.

8861: Amount of the fine payable for a ground invader should he/she take the risk and get caught (not to fear, Andrew Symonds has gone fishing so no need to fear a shoulder charge until Sonny Bill Williams switches codes to play for the BlackCaps). Reportedly after the Brisbane test there was a facebook page saying someone would actually streak to deck Stuart Broad when he walked out to bat. Thankfully it was just the usual “Broad is a [Westpac Banker]” chant.

10: The dollars it cost for a “Stuart Broad is a s**t Bloke” shirt that at least 6-7 paid for the previous night on the footbridge after leaving.

4: Different people being dubbed a “Westpac Banker” during the day. There was the usual last toucher of a beach ball before the security captured the offending item, the security guard who according to the Bay 13 throng wrongly evicted someone, Stuart Broad and Kevin Pietersen who seemed to enjoy being called a “Westpac Banker” after his genetalia was described as soft after swallowing one of Douglas Jardine’s friends on Day 1

175: Minutes it took Chris Rogers to reach his 50, comparable with Pietersen’s effort on Day 1. Unlike KP’s efforts it’s something we come to expect from our elder opening partner, unlike the scoop to Pietersen at cover than ended his knock.

4: Number of players historically now dubbed a “Westpac Banker” at the MCG to my knowledge. Sir Richard Hadlee and the South African fast bowler Andre Nel are the others. (How many can remember him? How many out there think he’s an England player?)

4:10: The time of Day I first heard the retirment of K.O’Keefe from the ABC box.

3: Number of dropped catches from Bowlers today. None of them seemed to cost too much, and Jimmy Anderson redeemed himself with a sharp catch to remove Johnson.

1083: The fine that apparently can be issued on the spot for an eviction from the stands. Just how they came up with the 83 is still a mystery, as GST would have seen the fine become $1100…or $883 if that makes sense.

1: Number of overs I tuned into the Channel 9 side of the “Sports Ears” that unless I’m mistaken is more expensive this year than last. I switched to ABC after the first over, just needed to get a Bill Lawry fix that millions so desperately waited through Christmas Day for.

78346: The official attendance for Day 2. I must admit it didn’t look as though there were 91000 in for Day 1 but many of the bars were packed. The members areas were close to full at the start of Day 2 which they surprisingly weren’t for Day 1.

4: Songs from Australian artists that were either used in advertisements or preceded periods of play. “New Sensation” (INXS) was used during a Google Play ad, whilst versions of “One Summer” (Daryl Braithwaite, probably his 2nd best known solo hit behind “The Horses”), “The Best Thing” (Boom Crash Opera) and the usual “Great Southern Land” (Icehouse/Flowers) were the others.

10: Dollars a Pork or Chicken Schnitzel bun will set you back courtesy of the caterers. Prefer the Pork if you must purchase either at the ground, the “Apple Slaw” goes with that better than the coleslaw with the Schnitzel IMO. If I wanted a schnitzel sandwich I’d go to Subway.

2: Plugs for the pair of upcoming Women’s 50 over games in January at the MCG, one of which will be played as a Day-Nighter (January 24). Costs nothing to enter, and they’ll probably score more runs in that match than both sides have managed in 2 days of test cricket in this!
3-1: The expected scoreline of the series after this test match concludes, which may concievably be tomorrow depending on how well England counter the short ball and how long KP can keep the screws in his head in the pre-drilled holes.

1: Test Match I’ll be watching as I go to bed, India at the time of typing are 4/227 in the 81st over in Durban. Long live Test Match Cricket.

About Mick Jeffrey

32 Year Old, Bulldogs Member and tragic. Reserve Grade coach after over 225 combined senior/reserves appearances for Brothers AFC in AFL Capricornia. 11 time Marathon finisher, one time Ultra Marathon finisher and Comrades Marathon competitor 2017.


  1. Malcolm Ashwood says

    Thanks Mick some amusing memories yep good get re , Andre Nel and devastating losing , Skull off the radio changes the dynamics of summer completely . A poor days batting with , Pietersons shot as bad as i can remember

  2. Peter Schumacher says

    I suppose that it could be argued that at least KP had a shot whereas MJC didn’t.

  3. Mickey Randall says

    Good stuff Mick. A fresh and interesting way to recount your day. Some of the fines are ridiculous!

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