Malthouse you Dunce


The football season only really started for me last night. When Carlton played Port in the opening round (what a bloody debacle that was Mr 2IC, heir to the throne) I was sipping a cocktail on a ship off Moreton Island in Queensland. Technically, as Queensland is 32.4 years behind the rest of Australia, the game never actually occurred. What transpired last night did occur and it left me pondering several things in relation to the Malthouse lead (probably not a typo-Ed) Blues. First and foremost, why in hell did the board at Carlton feel that a 60 year dud from Collingwood would make any difference to a dud playing list. Malthouse is an utter plonker with a playing list so confused by this old man, they may as well be playing in the Hume League.

Therefore, a quiz for those who might be interested in the comings and goings of the Carlton football club last evening.

Bryce Gibbs is:

A)     a type of root vegetable

B)     a small African nation

C)     the new host of 60 minutes

D)     the most overrated useless bloke who has ever put on a football boot, and whose airfare I will personally pay for to piss him off to Port Adelaide as soon as possible

kicking a goal is:

A)     getting your leg over after a few sherbets on Thursday night

B)     achieving end of year KPI’s

C)     something that footballers once did with regularity

D)     a skill set seemingly lost to the entire Carlton forward line

Ruckmen who are 10ft 7inches should:

A)     be picking apples for a living

B)     have mobile phone receivers placed on their head

C)     introduce themselves to their teammates

D)     win a bloody centre bounce and take a contested mark at least once during the course of a game of football

If you are an offensive halfback flanker you should:

A)     be offensive

B)     lope around like a hapless buffalo

C)     miss targets at every opportunity

D)     be a complete and utter cock and smart arse hitting the post from 3m out in the middle of the goal square costing your team an unlikely victory

If your name is Brock, you are

A)     a long time actor on the Bold and the Beautiful

B)     a former racing car driver

C)     a bad boy wrestler

D)     a useless player who was crap at Melbourne and crappier at Carlton.

If your former football club was Collingwood you are:

A)     a convicted flasher

B)     a convicted arsonist

C)     a convicted murderer

D)    a bloody liability bigger than the planet

If your first name is Chris and your second name is Judd you are:

A)     looking forward to the impending birth of your second child

B)     happily eating vegetarian pizza in the company of your lovely wife

C)     enjoying being a father and husband

D)     wondering why in hell you signed up with a football club that has a worse culture than the West Coast Eagles

If your team contained arguably the best marking forward in the competition you would:

A)     kick it to him at every opportunity

B)     try and get said forward in a one-on-one set up

C)     keep on regaling how said forward’s old man was a terrific halfback flanker

D)     kick it to every other useless prick other than said forward.

If your club President also happen to be a club legend you would:

A)     put a really big photo of him in the social club foyer

B)     quietly take him aside and provide advice on the pitfalls of speaking in monotone

C)     remind him of the time he kicked out on the full therefore costing the club a vital win

D)     tell him to resign immediately and put Bruce Mathieson in his place

If your football club had arguably the most appalling recruitment record since the salary cap scandal you would:

A)     bring Caro on board as your recruitment officer

B)     bring Robbo on board as a talent scout

C)     bring the three blind mice on board as professional consultants

D)     stick with A, B and C as this is obviously the present recruiting structure within the Carlton Football club

Go Giants

About Tony Robb

A life long Blues supporter of 49 years who has seen some light at the end of the tunnel that isn't Mick Malthouse driving a train.


  1. Bryce Gibbs reminds me of Travis Johnson. Skilled player, smooth mover, never saw a pack he couldn’t run away from.

    Gibbs’ dad was a gutsy player for West Perth, so it’s not in the genes.

  2. Now that I have read this post – I know that the real season has started – thanks Tony!

    PS: I am glad I was not watching the game in that last quarter.

  3. cowshedend says

    Read the title, and thought there would just be Like button to the statement ‘Malthouse is a prick’
    Very entertaining, I’ve never seen Bryce Gibbs and Jack Watts in tbe same room together… reckon their the same bloke?

  4. LOL, this title of this article alone will catapult the Almanac to #1 in countless Google searches.

  5. Mark 'Swish' Schwerdt says

    The Crows are lucky that Ross Gibbs didn’t bring up his 200th game for Glenelg before 1990

  6. Thanks for my belly laugh for the day! I think Peter Baulderstone should read this too (except he won’t like your swipe at West Coast…)

  7. Lorri – that is 2 bottles of chardonnay and counting given the Dockers pathetic pre-season form.

  8. Sean Gorman says

    That is fantastic – shittier is an adjective that is very much under used.

    PB congrats on the who cares cup preseason premiership.

  9. Bob Speechley says

    Great piece Tony. Your analysis is spot on. Watching the game last night was seeing it handed to Richmond on a platter. The Blues got the best of the umpiring but still squealed for more as the game progressed. I don’t believe Gibbs was on the ground!

  10. John Butler says

    Not hard enough TR.

    Not by half.

    I know Sticks is stepping down at the end of the season, but couldn’t we just have a mid season coup for the sake of it? At least that would be like old times.

  11. Phil Dimitriadis says

    Very funny TR, if a tad harsh. You’ve got to give Mick a zodiac cycle at least before you see success. Hahahahahahahaha……..

  12. Earl O'Neill says

    Chris Judd to miss three weeks ,the premiership window slammed shut on his hand.

  13. Very funny, Tony. But I don’t support the Blues.

  14. Thanks Tony. Best laugh I’ve had for a while, or at least since Litza’s last sermon.

  15. Maybe Ross Gibbs was a hard man in Perth but I saw him play plenty of games at Glenelg and can’t remember him being anything other than an outside receiver (good foot skills once he got it handed to him).
    The apple has fallen right next to the tree.

Leave a Comment