Lazy media days of Summer

The Ashes over and the naysayers of winter have officially become the backslappers of summer. One has only to speak of the baggy green and the calls of “We killed them” resonate from all corners. Yes we did, unlike the “shitful Australian cricket team” that lost the Ashes in winter. The “commercial media” coverage of sport in summer continues to takes on the predictability of night following day. However, despite seemingly blanket coverage from every conceivable angle or orifice, the following staples are always guaranteed to get a run as soon as the big hand ticks over to December:

  • The week leading up to the first test, “Gabba Pitch a Demon – green top predicted to give batsmen a terror start to the summer”. Day 2, “Gabba a Belter – Drop in pitch provides batman with a road to runs. Curator suspects ground staff may have misread Round Up bottle”.
  • 6 December, “Toss to decide Adelaide Outcome – Bat first and bat long”. 7 December, “15 Wickets in One Day – Curator blames feng shui of new ground development. Aussies book early tee times at Royal Adelaide”.
  • 12 December, “WACA a Pacer’s Paradise, Heads Will Roll – Lightning track to test openers”. “Spinners Stem Tide – Fast men go for plenty as WACA spins like a top. Curator blames Canberra”.
  • 23 December, “Race Record Set to Fall” – Strong north easterlies should see the Sydney -Hobart race record get scuttled”. “Tasman a Mill Pond – predicted winds fail to arrive as fleet idles off Eden. Flathead on the bite”.
  • 26 December, “The G to burst on Boxing Day”- Over 158,000 are expected to turn out for the opening day of the Boxing Day test”. “Boxing Day Borefest- Rain interruptions and no show by members keeps spirits and crowds down. Dodgy leg ham blamed”.
  • 1 January, “We do Sport too Melbourne -Sydney Test a Sell Out” – Over 103,00 cricket fans expected for the third test”. 3 January, “Bondi Burns Test – Sydney turn up the heats as crowd flock to the beach. Lifesavers say crowd was well behaved”.
  • 4 January, “The New Breed- Are these young stars the next big things of Australian Tennis?”9 January, “Newk says Hobart International a tough baptism of fire”.
  • 10 January, “Come on Aussies – Record number of locals qualify for Open”. 11 January, “Horror draw for Aussies – Newk says Aussie can still win Open.”
  • 12 January, “Tennis star first time in Melbourne – Schanyiocnic loves Australia. Customs Hall is just so beautiful and friendly”. 13 January, “ Schanyiocnic Leaves Australia – First timer takes money and runs. Australians a bunch of hookers”.
  • 15 January, “Aussie Free Zone- Australians out of Open”. 16 January, “Tennis Australia Looks for Answers. TA seeks out Newk to raise tennis from the ashes”. 17 January, “Newk says, you’re on you own. Curator blames unseasonally hot weather for slow balls”.
  • January 23, “Novak no Djoka in the Pack- Defending champ looking for five of a kind”. 24 January, “Djoka Faulters in Final – Novak says service game not to blame for loss. 52 double faults say it was. Curator moves to Perth”.
  • 25 January, “Say So Long Sandy-Seven stalwart Sandy Roberts fired after on air flatulence”. 26 January, “Stokes named Australian of the Year”

About Tony Robb

A life long Blues supporter of 49 years who has seen some light at the end of the tunnel that isn't Mick Malthouse driving a train.


  1. I have cancelled the newspaper delivery for the rest of the month. Redundant now that we have our own Nostradamus.
    “Flathead on the bite”. Dip you tip him into Eight Grand Boys?

  2. Malcolm Ashwood says

    Enjoyable Sarcasm and spot on in a lot of ways Tony especially tre the tennis. i am sure there is another possible article with every AFL side claiming they’ve never been fitter , recruits are superb etc before the recruits are dudds , every 1 is cramping , the fitness coach is sacked by round 7 the president says the coach has the boards full support he is sacked the next day
    Thanks Tony

  3. Flathead on the bite says it all. Will be hard to beat for cracking up line in 2014.

    Reserve the right to plagiarize it.

    Happy New Year.

  4. Tony Robb. says

    Malcolm “Who’s in your Supercoach team?” Yesterday’s Hun. Enough said

  5. “Tomic bundled out in First Round!” – no one loses in tennis, they are bundled out.

    “Lleyton last Aussie in Open”

    “Stosur out in Two” – Sam Stosur can’t explain her first round horror match.

    “Tigers Can Win the Flag – Coach”

  6. But theTigers can win the Flag Dips.

  7. Malcolm Ashwood says

    Agreed Tony and I am with Dips Tigers can win the Flag yep I can win x lotto 2

  8. Peter Schumacher says

    Agree with Dips except on one point, every coach will say that they can win the flag, any silly enough not to will be lambasted for not having a winning attitude.

    As for the tennis, I squirm with embarrassment every time Stosur or Tomic get in front of a microphone. I suspect that both are long past redemption and will continue to be losers.

  9. Peter, What is worse is the almost expected patronising from the top seeds. Williams re Barty ” it will be a tough match” Which part Venus, deciding which dress to wear? Mind you it is hardly her fault, if she said she was going to wipe the floor with her, she would be pillared is being a big head. A press conference at the Australian Open is our sporting cultural cringe. Please tell as you like and kangaroos and how would our tennis players are

  10. Great article!

    A couple of noms for headlines, some of which may have already circulated….

    1- (Front Page) “SOCCER SHAME – TWO youths were ejected from AAMI Park last night as tensions between Melbourne Heart and Melbourne Victory fans reached boiling point. Police were forced to call for re-inforcements from the MCG – where over 500 uniformed officers had been stationed for the Australia v England ODI – and from the Heineken Live Stage at the Australian Open.”

    2- (Front page) “KICK THEM OUT – UNRULY (insert Eastern European country of choice HERE) fans have marred day (insert relevant day HERE) of the Australian Open. Police were forced to quell the noisy fans chanting ethnic slogans between points during (insert tennis player’s name HERE)’s match on court 15. The day of shame has led leading social commentators to call for the banning of waving or carrying of ethnic flags at the Open.”

    (Same day, same paper, p14) “FLAG FANS JAM SLAM – LOCAL flag manufacturer Evan Evans says he’s struggling to keep up with the demand for Aussie flags for tennis fans at this year’s Australian Open. Leading social commentator (insert name here) praised young tennis fans for showing their ‘true colors’ while getting behind our local heroes at the Open…”

    Cynical? Moi?

  11. Steve. Im picking up what you putting down

  12. Barry Nicholls says

    Has always been so and will forever continue.
    ” Aussie Swimmers weight worries” headline at every Olympic Games since 1956.

Leave a Comment