How to Watch Footy, Part 1

Not all games deserve or demand our full attention.

Game: Gold Coast Suns versus St Kilda, Round one, AFL. Saturday 30 March, 6.40pm. Metricon Stadium, Gold Coast.

Viewing venue: Family beach-house, Moggs Creek, Great Ocean Road.

Attendance: Six: myself, plus the good wife Julie; heavily pregnant daughter Hannah and boyfriend Caleb; sons Jesse (20) and Reuben (15).

Pre-match warm-up: morning dip at Fairhaven, short kick-to-kick in the afternoon with Jesse on gravel road.

Game-time activities: Julie, Hannah and Caleb: crocheting for the baby. Jesse: reading The Art of Fielding by Chad Harbach.  Reuben: playing games on his phone. Myself: half-hearted attempt at jumbo crossword.

Viewing facilities: clear image on third-hand TV, but very poor sound. We leave the volume low. Radio is a few too many kicks behind the play.

Commentary: mainly by Caleb, a St Kilda fan via Newcastle NSW (thus explaining occasional references – hopefully tongue-in-cheek – to ‘referees’ and ‘penalties’).

Quarter-time: Caleb does the dishes, I call out crossword clues (’12 across. Saint Nick. Eight letters. Starts with R, ends with disappointment’.)

First-half highlights: looking up from the crossword when the volume of the telly rises above a murmur and seeing Ablett kicking or creating a goal, followed by advertisements for The Delltones at the Portland Civic Centre.

Half-time catering: Hot cross buns all around. (When your children work for Baker’s Delight there’s no shortage of bread, buns, croissants, scones…)

Second-half highlights: Ablett. Ablett. Ablett.  And more advertisements for The Delltones. ‘Go on, Dad,’ says Reuben, while still playing a game on his phone, ‘buy yourself and Mum some tickets.’ (I may be about to become a grandfather but that doesn’t mean I’m old enough to remember the first quarter of The Delltones’ playing days, let alone wanting to see them in their twilight years.)

Post-match: I retire to bed with some back-issues of The New Yorker (Bush is still president, Paul Simon is playing a small club on Fifth Avenue). Julie and Hannah take their crocheting to the kitchen. The boys – Caleb, Jesse and Reuben – watch Hot Fuzz courtesy of a USB stick. Apparently the movie is not about bearded footballers.

Votes: G.Ablett 3. G.Ablett  2. G.Ablett  1.

Rising Star:  American author Chad Harbach. The Art of Fielding is one hell of a debut novel. A good mix of sport, sex and campus life; of friendship, loyalty, ambition and disappointment. A mate recommended it to me. I passed it on to Caleb and then Jesse.

Next: Geelong versus Williamstown, Easter Sunday at Spring Creek Reserve, Torquay.