Goodbye you Bastard

Dear Carlton Football Club,

The events of Sunday evening have left me no choice but to seek a trial separation based on what seems has now become irreconcilable differences. After 50 years in relationship, one comes to expect that the relationship will tire and, at times, falter. Sadly, on Sunday night, a line was crossed that I can no longer tolerate. I believe in all fairness that I have stood by you for the past 15 years turning a blind eye to indiscretions that would have resulted in the breakup of many other marriages. However, despite your continual promises of mending your ways, you have continued to publicly insult and humiliate me in front of my family and friends. You cheating bastard Carlton. Your promises are like pie crusts.

I know things were tough when uncle Jack sent us to the wall for not declaring the payroll tax but that was over 13 years ago Carlton. Uncle Dick covered our tails anyway.  And what have you done? Squandered all that money again leaving our house in more disrepair than when we started on the renovations in 2003. Look around Carlton. The place is a mess and you have no one to blame but yourself.

Ahhh Stop making excuses. For the last time, I‘ll go through all this rubbish again? Remember the first time dalliance with Pagan. After flirting with him like some two bob hooker, you threw the poor man out in the cold and came back to me, tail between your legs, saying that you would change. Did you? Not one f*7king bit. You lured and groomed one of our favourite sons in order to try and curry favour with your long-term partner, only to cast him aside like a leper when the next available floozy came on the scene. How utterly stupid were you to think that someone who was recently jilted by their long-term lover was going to work out? How could you not seen that this person came into our life purely out of revenge and spite for his former partner. Blind Freddy could have seen that you were being used as a puppet in this soured relationship and now look what has happened. Our children are directionless, lacking in ambition, seemingly at odds with themselves. By bringing his love child into the family, this man has driven a wedge in our relationship that I fear can never be removed.

I have tried not to be bitter about this but Sunday evening left me no choice but to look after myself for a change. How could you possibly think that playing around like that at 7pm on a Sunday night was not going to be noticed by someone? Hell, you may as well put it on prime time television with an ad in the paper. You are an embarrassment Carlton. Would you just grow up for once and face up to yourself?

I have taken out a relationship violation order against you and I have held discussions with my solicitor and put to you the following demands:

1)      The removal forthwith of any person or persons that has ever had an association with the Collingwood football club.

2)      The removal of any person or persons who played in premiership teams prior to and including 1995.

3)      The separation of combined assets in the following manner:

  • Original Footy Records  of Carlton premiership years from 1968 to 1995 (mine)
  • Carlton paraphernalia including scarves, badges and caps (yours)
  • WEG 1995 premiership poster with David Parkin signature (mine)
  • Autographed 1995 premiership team photo with grand final ticket stub (yours)
  • President’s Cup inaugural dinner lanyon signed by Jack Elliott (yours)
  • Ang Christou, Steve Kernahan and Steve Silvagni figurines (mine – actually you can have Kernahan as he has been complicit in your shenanigans)
  • Vinnie Cattoggio T-shirt (mine)

I will continue to sort through things and forward on any items which I do not consider have any emotional value or connection. I will be moving out of Princes Park and I am renting a small apartment at Homebush in Sydney’s west. I have started seeing someone else and while, much younger, this one is loaded. Their father has very deep pockets. I know you will consider this to be “new money” but at least it is money Carlton. We are going on a date at 4.40 pm this Saturday and if things work out, well you know what that will mean.

Please do not try and contact me as any correspondence will only inflame the matter further.  This may not be au revoir Carlton, this may be farewell forever.

About Tony Robb

A life long Blues supporter of 49 years who has seen some light at the end of the tunnel that isn't Mick Malthouse driving a train.


  1. Have you been going through my records, TR? This is a copy of the letter I sent St Kilda in 2001 after many years of disappointment, when they sacked St Stan Alves (for TV Tim Watson!) and then Miracle Malcolm Blight (for grovelling Grant Thomas!!##**) in short succession.
    The Avenging Eagle took me under her wing, and while there have been some rocky patches, we have never had to doubt each other’s sincerity and good intentions.
    You won’t regret it.
    Ring me if you are tempted to buy a Porsche Boxster – sometimes these problems are not all one-sided.

  2. matt watson says

    Hi Tony,
    What took you so long???
    Let’s examine the situation. You’ve been in love with the Blues for 50-years.
    That is enough to give anyone the blues.
    But you won’t be able to quit Carlton, not when they are so ingrained into your psyche.
    Sure, they’ve let you down but you’re letting the pessimist get the better of your optimist.
    If you beat Melbourne this week, all might not be forgiven or forgotten, but you’ll feel a lot better.
    I’ve never trusted people who change their teams…
    One team for life.

  3. *bro-hugs*

  4. Andrew Starkie says

    You didn’t hear this from ok Tony, but she was fooling around on the side the whole time. She never really loved ya. Sorry mate

  5. What about North? She’s legit?

  6. You don’t have to go that far Tony to find someone that might prove to be more attractive. You can keep some of the stuff that is of the Navy Blue and White albeit of the hooped variety. You will witness a new belle who has the winningest record of breaking everyone’s hearts OF ALL TIME, and is still going. You will meet younger and lesser paid mentors, non of whom is wearing a moustache stolen from some bygone era. You will have joy aplenty as her brother Stevie J will take you to places you have never been and show you angles you have never seen. She has large cups that have grown in size over the past 7 years–and that would excite any man I know. This is a water-tight money-back guarantee that will honoured as long as you are alive. PS how old are you Tony?

  7. Any Collo memorabilia going cheap Tony? Perhaps a framed, autographed copy of the contract moving the Blues from Princes Park to Docklands.

    There must be some Carlton fans who could suggest an appropriate spot for such an historic document. They might even be prepared to pay for the privilege of putting it there.

    Come down to Kardinia sometime and remind yourself what a real home ground feels like. You can even enjoy a beer or two on the terrace whilst watching the mighty Cats tear a game apart. Heaven!

    Cheers, Burkie

  8. Peter Fuller says

    Your reference to that infamous document (which no doubt exists, and is presumably subject to the thirty year rule for non-disclosure of official papers) is reminiscent of the message Winston Churchill dictated to a civil servant who had provided him with unpalatable written advice.

    I am sitting on the lavatory while considering your memorandum. Currently it is before me. Presently* it will be behind me.
    * that’s using the word in its correct if slightly archaic sense of soon/in the near future, rather than as it’s usually substituted for at present.

  9. Malcolm Ashwood says

    Well written possible divorce papers are you experienced with pre nuptial agreements Tony ? Well played Sir

  10. Andrew Starkie says

    I just can’t trust her yet, Harmsy. So unreliable. She has to prove herself over a long period of time.

  11. Glen Potter says

    Don’t be too hasty with this new girl. I hear that she’ll take anyone. And for goodness sake, don’t sleep with her. She’ll want you to commit for the long haul. I’d be holding hands with her until you know she’s the right one.
    There are plenty of fish in the sea, however. Burkie and Gareth got it right. The best catch you’ll find is in Corio Bay. She offers plenty if you’re looking for something long-term. (Loved the cup size reference).
    But whoever you finally decide on, do not go near that gold-digging whore in red and blue.

  12. E.regnans says

    G’day Tony,
    Difficult times you’re in there. I feel sorry for you.
    I imagine there are feelings of anger, loss, sadness. That’s a shame.
    But of course this happens. We all know it.

    Take your time with this. Wallow. Be sad. Curse and spit and scream.
    Good people will see you through this.
    And when you’re ready, we in black and white vertical stripes are here. We’re always here. It’ll be cathartic.
    Go pies.

  13. Pamela Sherpa says

    Good decision Tony . Carlton are crap. The Giants will make you feel like a teenager again .

  14. Tony Robb says

    There appears to be a few sirens tempting me to a dark depths Corio Bay. I shall not be tempted but it was flattering to be lured by Cats great Gareth Andrews (53 by the way GA).
    Cheers All

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