Dudley Street Doggies: Life of the Party



APRIL 1 1933 – SEPTEMBER 24 2016

Loving husband of Marjorie (Madge). A loyal Bulldog to the end.


If it wasn’t for the quick thinking of Quang’s wife Han, Clem’s tombstone would’ve looked like the above.


As executors of Clem’s estate, they’d have needed to go the third drawer down in Clem’s kitchen and fish out the prepaid funeral contract that he’d only recently signed with Le Pine Box Funerals after he’d heard their ad on radio, you know, the one with Les Plentyman. He’d even worked out his epitaph, leaving his date of departure blank.


Quang and Van had Clem around to watch the big game against the Giants. They had earlier thought about flying up to watch the game, but when even Tiger Moth Air had bumped up its prices to ridiculous amounts, they thought they’d throw the savings into catering for an afternoon at home with all the gang instead.


And what a spread it was, with chicken feet, chicken legs, chicken wings and Clem’s favourite, chicken balls all on offer.


When Tory Dickson took that simple chest mark with 27 seconds to go, Clem, who was mid-sesame chicken wing at the time, inhaled sharply as he was about to let loose with a hearty “WE’VE DONE IT”. However, as a sharp bony bit lodged in his gullet, it came out more like “GEEVE GLUGG ERGGGG”.


As Clem’s face went from its normal reddish hue to royal blue in quick time, Quang’s went white as he fainted on the couch.


Calmly, Han went around behind Clem, clasped her arms around his heaving chest and squeezed tight until that pesky chicken wing was dislodged. “Two successful Hamling manoeuvres in one day”, she gloated.


Clem’s colour returned, just in time to hear BT on the tele say that Dickson could seal a draw if he kicked a point and Luke Darcy finally admit that he had a soft spot for his old team. As confused as the rest of the nation with these revelations, it took a while for those assembled in Quang and Han’s loungeroom to believe that it really had happened.


They were off to the Big Disco, that one day in October, for the first time since Merv Hughes was born.


Quang quickly revived. “Did we win?”


“When do we get our tickets?” asked Van, Quang’s brother. “That’s covered in our Silver Boundary Membership isn’t it?”


Li looked up from her phone, shaking her head. “You should have taken out the Social Club Upgrade Dad. Dad?”


Go Bullydogs


Goooooo Bulllllyyyydogs !!!


For Clem’s earlier adventures:

Dudley Street Doggies

Clem Nips Out To The Shed

Them’s The Breaks

All The President’s Men

Five Get Over Excited

Bob Murphy, Up The Guts

About Mark 'Swish' Schwerdt

Saw my first SANFL game in 1967 - Dogs v Peckers. Have only ever seen the Dogs win 1 final in the flesh (1972 1st Semi) Mediocre forward pocket for the AUFC Blacks (1982-89) Life member - Ormond Netball Club -That's me on the right


  1. The People's Elbow says

    Great read, Swish.

  2. Superb Swish 3 votes the Hamling line

  3. Awesome! That’s a good set of initials Clem’s got

  4. Swish- well done, the opening sucked me right in! Like many I look forward to grand final day and its aftermath for the Dudley Street Doggies. It might be best if they go with party pies and mini-sausage rolls on Saturday.

  5. Great story, now catching up on the rest (how did I not see these earlier?).

  6. Mark 'Swish' Schwerdt says

    Thanks Elbow

    Ta ‘Book – had to go right through AFLTables to find an appropriate name – it was staring me in the face all game

    Dave – “We have a winner”, well done.

    Mickey – I almost went the full “dream sequence”. Hot dogs, surely

    You haven’t missed much Mike. Thanks anyway.

  7. Phillip Dimitriadis says

    Han and the Heimlich sees Clem live to barrack another day. Great stuff Swish. Funny. I make sure the room is clear of all sharp objects when watching the Pies in finals, chicken wings included.

  8. Been going over the (chicken) entrails. Omens aren’t good for Clem. Born in 1933 when Bob Pratt kicked 100 goals and his Bloods won the flag. Chicken Smallhorn (Fitzroy) won the Brownlow.
    Spooky huh.

  9. Love it.

  10. Luke Reynolds says

    Brilliant Swish.

    Genuinely fearful for Clem if the GF is close….

  11. Mark 'Swish' Schwerdt says

    Glad you liked it Phil, PB, Kate and Luke. Thanks

    Hope he makes it to the game.

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