Dudley Street Doggies: Hammeroids

Still recovering from their frozen evening at Mars Stadium last July, Clem, Quang and Van were at Clem’s Happy Ending Aged Care Facility last night, planning their Round 1 return to Colonial, Telstra, Etihad,  that shithole behind Spencer Street the Bullydogs home ground, when they realised that it was a Saturday night game.


“Sorry fellas,” Clem regretfully announced, “but that’s Rice-A-Riso night. I can’t miss that. I’ll have to stay home and watch it on the Dogstel. Let’s wait until Round 3 when we play the Suns.”


“But Clem,” piped up Quang, “have you seen our special once off Thor jumpers? You don’t want to miss us wearing these, do you?”


“You mean this disgrace?” barked Clem pointing to a photo of his otherwise beloved Mason Wood in his crumpled copy of the little paper. “To think that Madge walked the streets of Footscray thirty years ago selling UP YOURS OAKLEY stickers so that the club could survive. And this is the result? They can shove that jumper, along with Thor’s hammer, where I stick my Rectogesic. Sideways.”


A sneak preview of the Round 1 Footy Record, with a disturbing threat to a ‘Roos premiership coach.




Meanwhile, in an office a few Ks east, behind Marvel Stadium, there’s a trio of innovators putting the finishing touches to the Gold Coast’s Silver Surfer-themed away strip. As they order their fourth round of pumpkin chai lattes, they still haven’t decided whether Pantone 14-5002 or 14-4107 best represents the correct balance of flagrantly unfulfilled talent and wanton disregard for the AFL’s broader responsibilities as the keeper of the code of Australian Football, that the Gold Coast Suns embodies. “What’s the code for Turd Brown?” asks the Work Experience kid from Fish Creek, finally cracking it after a fortnight of shadowing the AFL’s brightest minds.



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About Mark 'Swish' Schwerdt

Saw my first SANFL game in 1967 - Dogs v Peckers. Have only ever seen the Dogs win 1 final in the flesh (1972 1st Semi) Mediocre forward pocket for the AUFC Blacks (1982-89) Life member - Ormond Netball Club -That's me on the right


  1. Brilliant Swish and so bloody true

  2. Mark 'Swish' Schwerdt says

    Hope the Rice-A-Riso was worth it Clem

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