Collingwood TV – An Idea For The Ages


So they’re seriously considering a dedicated Collingwood channel.

I don’t doubt this idea is manna from heaven for many. People will suddenly realise what’s been missing from their lives all these years.

Myself? My reaction is rather more like Alex in his maximum security ward in A Clockwork Orange: strapped to a gurney, eyes forced open by metal brackets, unable to blink away the horror, the horror. Hang on. That’s Colonel Kurtz’s line. I’m mixing movies.

But my partisan feelings should be ignored. This is an idea so self-evidently great that the genie can’t be put back in the bottle.

Though, as an aside, a recent visit to Geelong left me with the impression the Cats had trademarked the word ‘great’, so I’m not sure if I have to pay to use it. In fact, I believe the club is rebranding as The Greatness™. Though I’m not sure how they’ll fit it across the jumper.

Back to Collingwood. CEO Gary Pert is obviously wet-his-pants-excited by the idea. He went all CEO-speak on us, saying clubs had “to leverage off the maximum result”. Err… ok Gaz. I reckon the Magpie supporters wished the club had leveraged the maximum result in a few more grand finals.

But I understand his enthusiasm. Think of the potential. David Buttifant could host Aerobics Pie Style. Nick Maxwell could be the new Tony Robbins, if he isn’t already. I think Swami Sarasvati may have retired , but Harry O could run The Yoga Show. They could get Mick back in the fold to do an eastern philosophy segment. Guru Mick has a nice ring to it. Bucks’s Kitchen would surely have to run a series on jam making. And the mind simply boggles at the possibilities of a Collingwood version of Pimp My Ride. They’re talking about an Oz version of Jersey Shore. Who else but Collingwood could pull it off?

Why stop at one channel? Joffa alone deserves his own lifestyle channel. And I haven’t even got to Eddie!

This is an idea for its time.

Naturally, other clubs will enviously want to copy. Some already are.

To prove that we live in a post-ironic world, Essendon have already devised a show called The Hanger. I don’t think it’s meant to be a tribute to John Coleman. Given recent events, you might expect they’d want to steer clear of the subject of aviation. Still, if James Hird is offering advice on hair care and grooming then I’m in.

Think of the possible new sponsors. The West Coast Eagles Channel could surely get some money out of Gina. She’s into media investments now. And it’s probably a good ideological fit. Though I don’t think Bob Katter’s Australia Party will be interested in the Gold Coast Suns. Those lairy red jumpers are a bit too  Priscilla.

I’m worried that Carlton will be left behind. We need to get cracking. Sure, you could have Chris Judd’s Land Care Show, or Chris Judd Working With Paper, but we need to diversify. Think CNBC /National Geographic hybrid– Adventures in Venture Capitalism? And we’d be a natural fit for an ethics show. Hey, Bob Santamaria was a Blues fan: Carlton Point Of View? But I’m not sure Sticks could carry that off. Especially if he felt the urge to sing.

Hmm, may have to keep working on that.

There’s one potential hitch. If I was Foxtel or Channel Seven, I’d be thinking about all that cash we’d just splashed on footy. We pay these guys and then they go into competition with us? Wouldn’t have happened back in Kerry P’s day.

Also, how does this all tally with Vlad The Impaler’s dreams of NBN internet media glory? Mind you, that’s probably stuffed when Tony wins the next election anyway.

If I followed one of the smaller clubs I might be worried. Scragger TV just doesn’t have quite the same ring to it. And what about North? Duck Hunting With Wayne sounds so 1990’s.

At least Sheeds and the GWS should adapt well. They’re working in virtual reality mode already.

This is going to change football as we know it. How come we didn’t think of it before?


About John Butler

John Butler has fled the World's Most Liveable Car Park and now breathes the rarefied air of the Ballarat Plateau. For his sins, he has passed his 40th year as a Carlton member.


  1. The Greatness. I like it, although I’ve always seen them as “The Light.”
    Collingwood surely must be “The Darkness.”

    I’d like to see Didak’s mid-afternoon kids quiz show “That’s Didaktic!”

  2. John Butler says

    Edward, the Didak possibilities are numerous. But some also potentially libellous.

  3. Dave Nadel says

    Settle JB, it is a short time program on Foxtel which most Collingwood supporters (including yours truly) don’t actually have.

    In America channels owned by sporting clubs really are dedicated channels providing seven days of programs and broadcasting overseas. I was told in Belize as long ago as 1988 that everyone there supported the Chicago Cubs because their pay-TV channel was beamed into Belize. Given that the Chicago Cubs haven’t won a World Series since 1908 you would think that the US State Department would have stepped in and declared the influence of Cubs TV as bad for the US image.

    FWIW any channel connected with an AFL club (even Collingwood) beaming into the Asia Pacific region probably wouldn’t do much for Australia’s international image either.

  4. John Butler says

    Dave, you’re thinking too small. I’m with Perty on this.

    How will the Pies ascend to their deserved celestial prominence with that attitude?

    PS: you couldn’t possibly be suggesting that we’re rehashing well worn ideas from overseas? That would be very unlike us.

  5. Home & Away
    7pm – rated AV for strong language, adult themes, nudity

    Steele and Daisy argue on the bus over who gets to sit next to Scott.
    Alan is caught unawares when returns from his overseas trip early.

  6. John Butler says

    Edward, I like the way you’re thinking.

    We should workshop.

  7. Eddie would run the station … wait a minute. He tried that and got boned.

    Collingwood could have their own version of Q&A called Pies and Prejudice

  8. John Butler says

    RK, I feel like I neglected the Hawks.

    Couldn’t you just see Buddy hosting a local version of Soul Train?

  9. *Nathan

  10. Andrew Fithall says

    I read the other day Carlton have started a new weekly podcast. Sounds promising. And one day their supporters will work out what that means so one day they could even have a few listeners.

    Your jealousy shines through JB.


  11. AF, I asked a Blues fan just now.

    “Aren’t Podcasts those machines that use the little packets of coffee? Yeah I already got the Collingwood version half price from Aldi. The coffee always seems to have very bitter finish.”

    I think he understands perfectly.

  12. watt price tully says

    In as bestest non partisan way, this is wonderful. Like Eric Ericson I’m starting to feel “self actualized”. The greatest club in the AFL now has its own channel.
    I wont some high (brow) drama,

    Some old flim noir – Edward G Robinson could play John Wren in a modern update of “Little Caesar”, Trennery Crescent could be re-fashioned to Sunset Boulevard.

    Nathan Buckley could be played by Errol Flynn, Robert Mitchum & Humphrey Bogart …

    I’ll have to change my 50 ” plasma to a bigger model – more remotes. I can’t wait.

    We could have Carton involved: Judd could play the role of Voldmort & Carlton could be directed by Vittorio di Sica in a remake of ‘the neo realism masterpiece: The Premiership Thieves”.

    Just a thought!

    Only problem is that I don’t have Foxtel & we are not likely to be getting it in the near future.

  13. Phil Dimitriadis says

    Beware JB, this is just the beginning of the CWO (Collingwood World Order). Very funny, but I’m sure the Blues will be ‘cooking’ something up to follow suit. Won’t be long.

  14. Collingwood TV. Ewwww. I’d rather watch Master Chef.

  15. Andrew Fithall says

    I confess I did see a bit of The Club (as the TV show is known) last night while waiting for Agony Uncles to come on (which I can highly recommend). The most disturbing thing was the ads which included publicising a show on Friday night celebrating Geelong’s GF win last year. Collingwood need to be even more controlling and preserve right of veto on the advertising. Perhaps restrict to ads for dentists and tattooists.

  16. AF – you were watching The Club while Adam Hills had Petula Clark and Nick Lowe on his show, with Nick Lowe performing What’s So Funny ‘Bout Peace, Love and Understanding … oh, that’s right, you’re not an oldies fan :) You missed a ripper!

  17. John Butler says

    AF. You’re right. Once again Collingwood reveal themselves the great historic modernisers of the game.

    Don’t forget to genuflect to Jock’s portrait on the way out.

    Phil, it’s always old Greeks and wrestling with you. What’s that about? But I must admit CWO has a certain ring.

    But I’ll hold out for the JWO.

  18. John Butler says

    WPT, you’ve got me thinking.

    To continue the Italian neo-realist line, I’m thinking Visconti: La Terra Toovey.

    Or Rocca and His Brother.

    And am I the only one who sees Sheeds as Nora Desmond? “I’m still big. It’s just the club that got small”.

  19. That was turned into an ALW musical was it not?
    Forget TV. I can’t wait for The Collingwood Football Club Light Opera Society.
    I can see it now: “The Club: The Musical!”

    It will be the best helicopter entrance since they did “Miss Saigon” and PLC.

  20. Andrew Fithall says

    Rick – I was actually listening to Nick Lowe (2001 album – The Old Magic) in the office yesterday having listened to one of Dave Graney’s special hour-long interviews with him on the radio Tuesday afternoon. His presence on IGST was not enough to overcome the rest of my reservations about that show. And when there is a program dedicated to Collingwood as an alternative…

  21. Looks like there will have to be a reprint of ‘What Bogans Like’

  22. There is no way they could run a show without me ;)

  23. Isn’t the next ‘Underbelly’ series due on TV soon? Same thing really.

  24. Has anyone got the link to the Melbourne President’s interview with Shane Wellingham.

    I seem to have missed it.

    It is sure to be an absolute scoop and of extreme AFL footy community interest.

    The defence rests it’s case.

  25. Dave Nadel says

    WPT – I like the idea of Edward G Robinson as John Wren, although actually Martin Vaughan did a pretty good job as John West in Power Without Glory on the ABC 35 years ago. “Judd playing the role of Voldemort” – I Ithught Judd WAS Voldemort.

    JB – I love the idea of Rooca and his brother.

    Rick – Like AF I find Live at Gordon St unwatchable but after reading your post maybe I’ll have a look at iview to see the Nick Lowe bit.

  26. Dave Nadel says

    and Rocca and his brother is even better.

  27. watt price tully says


    To continue the Italian neo-realist line, I’m thinking Visconti: La Terra Toovey.
    Or Rocca and His Brother.
    And am I the only one who sees Sheeds as Nora Desmond? “I’m still big. It’s just the club that got small”

    Love it!!.

    Perhaps Tim Robbins could play Health Shaw in the Shaw Redemption:

    On the veneer what the public gets to see is a joker, a knock about kid, lots of energy, unable to sit still, hyperactive & not the brightest tool in the toolbox but he could play. However, on the inside is the real story of Heath Shaw, a poignant moving story that beneath the layers reveals a joker, a knock about kid, lots of energy, unable to sit still, hyperactive & not the brightest tool in the tool box but he could play!!

    Perhaps Bette Davis could play Eddie Maguire, in “All About Eddie” hang on to your setbelts, it’s gunna be a bumpy ride”.

    Rob Murphy could play Woody Allen as a guest spot on the new Magpie Channel: Bob could be channeling Woody saying:

    “I mentioned before that I was in Europe. It’s not the first time that I was in Europe, I was in Europe many years ago with Ernest Hemingway. Hemingway had just written his first novel, and Gertrude Stein and I read it, and we said that is was a good novel, but not a great one, and that it needed some work, but it could be a fine book. And we laughed over it. Hemingway punched me in the mouth.

    That winter Picasso lived on the Rue d’Barque, and he had just painted a picture of a naked dental hygenist in the middle of the Gobi Desert. Gertrude Stein said it was a good picture, but not a great one, and I said it could be a fine picture. We laughed over it and Hemingway punched me in the mouth.

    Francis Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald came home from their wild new years eve party. It was April. Scott had just written Great Expectations, and Gertrude Stein and I read it, and we said it was a good book, but there was no need to have written it, ’cause Charles Dickens had already written it. We laughed over it, and Hemingway punched me in the mouth.

    That winter we went to Spain to see Manolete fight, and he was… looked to be eighteen, and Gertrude Stein said no, he was nineteen, but that he only looked eighteen, and I said sometimes a boy of eighteen will look nineteen, whereas other times a nineteen year old can easily look eighteen. That’s the way it is with a true Spaniard. We laughed over that and Gertrude Stein punched me in the mouth.

    Then again perhaps not!

    I’ll now refrain from film, comedy / references (my indulgence)!

    Andrew Krakeour – South of Java.

  28. John Butler says

    WPT, Shawshank is a natural. It seems half the footballers in the league list it as their favourite film.

    We could actually keep this going indefinitely, or at least unitl people start paying us to stop.

  29. John Butler says

    Danni, I’m amazed they haven’t signed you up already. :)

  30. Tony Robb says

    JB I thought this was a satirical piece It’s damn scary giving the Pies access to the airwaves This is how nazi Germany began with Hitler putting on a “fun little show ” in the beer halls of Munich. Hell this is a threat to humanity. it’s bloody un Australian and I’m cancelling my Foxtel right this second.

  31. Yeah, i know! i should have my own segment..or atleast they could put me in charge of wardrobe!

  32. John Butler says

    TR, you should know life always trumps satire.

    Danni, and make-up?

  33. sure i love makeup, got a good hand at it too! :)
    most of all i love ties…dunno why but when i see a confused male at a tie rack
    i feel the urge to help… lol

  34. Some needles cannot be threaded.

    I could beat seven kinds of shit out of this from any number of acerbic angles.

    But looking at the TV landscape and the success of shoes such a s ‘Jersey Shore’ and the upcoming reality program of Lara Bingle (fuck you Channel Ten and all you represent!), it’s hard to fathom that a Collingwood channel would be anything but a huge success among the great unwashed.

    We are a long, long way from M*A*S*H.

  35. John Butler says

    Litza, sometimes it feels like we’ve come a long way from King of Queens (urk). Mediocrity almost feels like an aspiration when I scan the program guide.

    Thank god for DVD’s.

  36. Mediocrity is more than an aspiration when it comes to most current affairs shows – it’s an institution

    As I begun to think of what the Collingwood themed “Today Tonight” would look like, I realised it already is Collingwood themed.

  37. watt price tully says

    Edward you’re nearly right except the show was actually titled “This Day Tonight” – Peach of an idea though!!

  38. watt price tully says

    Litza, Collignwood the Club is written, produced & created by the team form HBO respsonsible for “The Wire” & “Treme”

    (BTW if you haven’t seen the latter please do it’s a ripper- especailly on blu ray for the sound quality)

    Treme known for its music – Colliingwood theme song does sound like New Orleans blues – Professor Longhair, Dr John, Alan Toussaint, Irma Thomas.

  39. WPT

    Have Treme on Blu Ray, but couldn’t warm to it like I did The Wire (which is no disgrace, given The Wire is the greatest television of all time).

    The difference between The Wire and Collingwood is nuance (it is not “black and white”). Even the drug dealers of Baltimore had a moral code – and in some instances, you find yourself ‘barracking’ for them, despite the fact they were fundamentally murderers who pushed poison.

    There is nobody – NOBODY – at Collingwood that I could get behind.

    For me, everyone on Collingwood’s list is Kenard, that little cat-torturing bastard that killed Omar.

  40. Litza,

    I am just towards the end of season 2. I don’t yet know about Omar! I will now go and buy some lunch and console myself.

    There a few players on the Collingwood list that I don’t mind. Luke Ball springs to mind. He went from wholesome and saintly to a murky existance out of necessity – a bit like Walter White.

    I’m thinking of the ‘Pies equivalent to Vic Mackey – although they a history of mercenaries, they don’t have any nudenuts at present, do they?

  41. Shit… sorry, Edward.

    I should’ve prefaced that last post with a spoiler alert.

  42. Rick Kane says

    Litza and JB, d/load your telly and you’re watching the cream of storytelling. The best of telly is now informing film how to write characters, plot, etc. Try Treme, Justified, Boardwalk Empire, Luck, and the many shows that have been made in the last 10 years. Then try 30 Rock, Parks and Recreation, Community, Modern Family and others. You know, like, The Daily Show and The Colbert Report.

    Yes, they are shown on (old style) telly eventually. But I’m watching without ads, without edits (imagine editing an art piece just to fit it in with your scheduling), when I choose to and episodes that follow chronologically (like they’re supposed to). Comedies are so much funnier this way. Dramatic tension increases significantly.

    We’re not a long way from MASH, we have surpassed MASH and then some. The last 10 years has been the Golden Years but you wouldn’t know it from free to air and even pay TV. Go to the media of the 21st Century, the Interwebby thing and the best of the best can be accessed.


    Would I d/load a Pies TV show? I’d rather date a Kardashian and I don’t even know what that is or means!

  43. Rick Kane says

    Typed mine while you guys were on the Treme Wire chat. Wire is about as good as it gets. Litza, pity you can’t get into Treme. It’s worth the trip. Another gem is Generation Kill.

    Please Edward, don’t compare Mackey and The Shield to Pies TV. They’re not in the same universe. I started going to the Net for TV years ago after Ch 10 (cue Litza mild mannered response) after they stopped showing The Shield (IMHO the best telly show ever) 9 eps into a 13 ep season. Just stopped. I went online and found the next 4 eps, watched them back to back and the rest, as they say, is history!

  44. Litza,
    Don’t worry about it! I now look forward to knowing of his demise.


    I love The Shield for many reasons. Watched it all in one breath last year. For one it doesn’t bother with courtrooms and forensics.
    Not a week goes by where I don’t think of that last episode. My fav TV drama, and miles in front as best ever finale (drama, can’t go past The Office & Extras Xmas Specials). It still chills me thinking about it.

  45. watt price tully says

    Litza, if you identify with murderers then that’s OK by us at Collignwood as l;ong as you rpent & atone for your sins including a less than facvourable attitude to Colingwood.

    However, we at Collingwood are a broad church.

    The fact that some non collingwood people are misguided & may have had a troubled youth is not for us at Collingwood to judge.

    At Colingwood we accept diversity, pluralism even those who don’t like Collingwood & other evidence of impaired judgement, insightlessness & oppositional defiance disorder.

    Bless you my child.

    We love all football teams & their supporters.

  46. RK

    All over Generation Kill, and yes, the last ten years has been a golden age for TV – particularly the big three – The Wire, Deadwood and The Sopranos.

    In terms of downloading my telly, am right across Season 3 (supposedly the last) of Eastbound and Down. The laughs are fewer (particularly the second episode, which was a little odd), but it is darker, edgier and at times uncomfortable to watch… in short it may be the best season of the three.

  47. WPT

    I repent nothing… my moral code has no room for anything Collingwood.

  48. Andrew Fithall says

    Litza – Spin Doctor – Moral code? Does not compute!

  49. … a ‘flexible’ moral code where the only constant is a zero tolerance toward Collingwood, Essendon, Hamish McLachlan and hipsters.

  50. May I suggest that the Carlton ‘moral code’ is underpinned by that Harmes initiated goal in the 1979 GF Andrew.

  51. watt price tully says

    Oh Phatnom you’re being too modest!

    I would have thought the payment to off shore islands in the Carribean during the bought premiership cups may come earlier.

    Of course “Honest” George, “Honest” John & “Honest” Dick down at Price Fixer Park would also come before the Venus de Milo Harms Hotel fiasco.

    Need some moral rectitude & confessionals this instant. Repent.

    From the sermon on the Mt Victoria Park & the magpies will inherit the lists that win the premierships.

    Blessed are the Pie makers.

    Yours at Squeaky cleansville, Collingwood

  52. Richard Naco says

    It could be the only station where the subtitles are little pictures.

  53. Skip of Skipton says

    watt price tully, Phantom. I don’t know about these TV shows others talk of, but I know Karma and its implications.

    In the ’08 edition of the Almanac, the very last paragraph of the last article, which is written by JTH, concludes as something about Hawthorn having their place in the Universe and Geelong having theirs. That is a Karmic understanding. For some reason, at that time, it made perfect sense, and gave succour. It still does. Whether JTH, in his mind, was tongue in cheek or deadly serious, matters not. It was accurate; his spiritual ‘inherentness’ was to the fore.

    This brings me on to discussion about Carlton. Here is a club in the midst of karmic repayment. Deep, deep, deep in the midst. The eight flags won from ’68 – ’95 can all be attributed to money, the influence of money, and the influence of power and money and, the possible gain of money and influence and power. It was a big self-serving jerk and did well for the Old Dark Navy Blue jumper for three decades. That game got busted 10 year ago, and despite some improvements, Carlton still have the silly ‘entitlement’ mindset and meme going on.

    Melbourne have been in the karmic doghouse for a long, long time. ‘See Above’ in relation to Carlton; except that Melbourne was ‘Old’ and “establishment’ money. Carlton more ‘new’ money.

    Now, onto Hawthorn. Here is a study in growth. Spiritually, mentally, physically and financially. Hawthorn, the Brown and Gold striped wannabes I hate, and will continue to hate with a passion!
    Anyrate, what Hawthorn did after making a very slow start to VFL football, (‘very slow’ is a compliment) is consolidate their club with the strong characters who had contributed to whatever limited success they had achieved. From that, they built upon that. From that, again etc. John Kennedy is an under-rated man in the pantheon of VFL Legends. (What he did as a ‘pensioner’ coaching North??)
    Any-rate, after the emotional ’76 Flag, John Kennedy passed the baton to David Parkin, his ’71
    premiership captain, who took the ’78 flag with a Wynvale Wine skivvy on. Gimme a break, I don’t even barrack for these mayblooms!

    From there they had a short lived hiatus ’79-’82 where Carlton, Richmond and Colingwood romanced us, footy wise, in years I believe to be the zenith of Australiania.

    This is where the professionalism of football; (not just footy, everything else too), begins: 1983 Hawthorn!
    They had recruited as ‘backdrop’ and ‘filler’ a lot of private schoolboys. Reserves players etc.For good reason. Some of them would go on to be 100/200 game premiership players. The work ethic driving this club from the roots up, and the roots down was unprecedented. Yabby Jeans swithcing from ‘good cop/bad cop’ as required. It wasn’t all APS though. Young Dermott Brereton from Frankston. The youngest Ablett brother from Drouin(the best one) were recruits. The amazing leader and ruckman Don Scott had just retired, but Leigh Matthews and the massively under-rated/remembered Michael Tuck were still at the top of their game.

    Hawthorn are an example of ‘ruling your stars’ and defeating Karma.

  54. Hawthorn are an example of a potato sack filled with arseholes.

  55. How do you tell Collingwood TV from the Test Pattern?
    Do they still have a Test Pattern? Closest I have seen is the weather map/international views on SBS.
    I once worked for an academic turned politician. His favourite garb was a corduroy suit, with a wide striped shirt (Kangas/Cats cross), and a diagonal striped tricolour tie. We called it his Test Pattern outfit.
    We got his wife to give all his academic clothes to the Salvos. The parks were full of corduroy jackets with leather elbow patches for a month (I think JTH got the skivvies).

  56. John Butler says

    I don’t know. You head to the big smoke for one simple cricket dinner and look what you return to.

    First I have to wipe Litza’s spittle off the screen to read it. Then wade through enough collective media theory to convince me that the printed book has a future after all.

    Then I’m getting trolled with lectures on the moral and ethical shortcomings of Carlton by people whose clubs all willingly flouted Coulter Laws, trading laws, liquor license laws, assault laws and, for all we know, animal protection laws on their collective paths to LESS success than the Blues. Let he who is without sin…

    Then we’re told bow at the altar of Hawthorn. A club that only preserves it’s identity because of the efforts of an ex-captain who’s no longer on speaking terms with the club.

    At what point does selective memory turn into delusion?

    Finally, we get some sensible fashion advice from PB in regard to corduroy and it’s relationship to the homeless.

    At least we now know what the deal with the skivvies is.

  57. It wasn’t Katma that nobbled Carlton Skip.

    It was the salary cap and the draft. It stopped them in their tracks, delivered them their first wooden spoon (Sacre Bleu) and now, of their only decent two recruits in recent years, one was fished out of the tank (as big as and as useful Wanda) and the other is a card board cut out.

    I suppose now that the ‘tween season armistice, where last year’s losers could bury their dead and sing Christmas carols JB, the war that is the 2012 footy season is about to be declared and all good will is null and void.

    Let The Games Begin

  58. Kar(m)a but it could be ‘cat’ma

  59. Skip of Skipton says

    It wasn’t Katma, Phantom. You are right. What I’m enjoying about Carlton’s rise is the fact they are going to get close enough to ‘smell the roses’ without being good enough to have them draped around their neck.

  60. Rick Kane says

    I dunno JB, I read Skip’s exhaustive analysis and assumed that the argument was, as they say, done and dunstalled and then the very next submission from a very, very, very bitter gentleman named Edward put me back in my sack. You could bottle Skips thoughts but I wouldn’t drink from Edward’s, er, fountain of noledge. I didn’t read anything else of note. I tell a fib, I did chuckle at PB’s mention of Test Pattern. In the 70s we would have called that the Australian team. In the 80s, the West Indies.

    Cheers and bring on the first bounce

  61. Reeeebeeet Rick.

  62. We haven’t covered the Saturday morning cartoon slot.

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