Blues officially no good

Carlton v Hawthorn
by Hamish Townsend

3.2 6.2 7.6 10.10 70
7.4 10.7 16.10 18.12 120

3. Franklin, 2. Sewell, 1. Mitchell

Tonight I will write about the two teams I like the least. It’s Friday night, the girls have finally gone to bed, I’ve cracked a Peroni and plonked in front of the box and the Hawks should belt three shades through the Blues.

This week has been a momentous week in the Townsend household. Baby number three arrived on Wednesday. Young Quincy is currently snoozing away at the Mater Hospital with his mum and in the luminal space before their return I can finally watch a game of footy. Lets head to the game.

The poohs and wees arrived with a shocking version of their otherwise awful guernsey, but began the game strongly. Carlton looked and played like a bunch with no confidence. Simpson’s early kick to a leading (200cm) Hampson, scrubbed on to his ankles on the fourth bounce. Robinson spent the first quarter intent on proving himself one of least cerebral of footballers, knocking himself out during a head first tackle on Sewell.

The Hawks endless firepower seemed to confuse themselves early, but they dominated regardless. It’s a while since I’ve seen Franklin, but much longer since I’ve seen a player of such omnipotent danger. Perhaps more Ablett than Carey, but every eye watches him and every opposition supporter just has to tighten their sphincter and hope, when he goes near it.

At quarter time the margin was 26 points, Franklin had two.

The second begins with Bootsma being comprehensively out-bodied by the second lightest player on the ground. A shot of the coaches showed Ratten looking like a butcher with salmonella and Clarkson looking like an evil thing with a small, frightened thing in his maw.

I hate Carlton, but I’ve always liked Kade Simpson. He kicks a goal and I feel good for him. The Hawks and their National Socialist jumper march on. Bruce calls a blue streak, “Suckling, with that lovely leg of his.” Ahhh Bruce, man at home alone. Hawks by 29 at the long break.

The Blues needed to find a way to take a mark in their forward line so they sub Garlett in and the string-bean’s little brother, Bootsma out.

When Hale puts the Hawks 39 in front the glasses are nearly down. Where has Carlton lost it? Kreuzer gave them nothing, beaten and bounces and outmarked around the ground. Jamison was thumped by Franklin, Walker can’t play close enough to goal and the Hawks kicking makes every Blue blue pay dearly. The jury remains out on Duigan, Garlett, Toohey and the half back line don’t break the lines enough.

Roughy kicks his third and Tommy Harley jogs from screen left to tell us with more vitamins we could be like Karmichel Hunt. Breust kicks the sealer with 6 mins to go in the third, now we just want a Buddy show before we turn in. A ten goal difference at ¾ time has the cameras turning to the stands where Sticks Kernahan and Mike Fitzpatrick are definitely not talking about Ratten’s future and no one is thinking it, no one.

The last is just running down the clock. Franklin gave his hammy a twinge and spent the last ten minutes on the bench. The Blues pulled two back, but it was Hawthorn by 50. Ratten must surely be on death-watch as the Blues will struggle to make the finals. Travis Boak would have been watching with interest.

Now those lovely legs…

About Hamish Townsend

Hamish Townsend was born and raised in Geelong, supports the Cats and lives in Brisbane.


  1. Stephanie Holt says

    So much to agree with here! But first things first – that jumper! You’re right. Awful. Had the very odd experience of not being able to recognise the players in it. Interesting dilemma – is Buddy still Buddy if he’s not in the brown and gold stripes. Don’t recall this problem with other teams’ players, no matter how weird their alternate strips.
    And congrats on the new arrival. Poos and wees indeed.

  2. Jeff Dowsing says

    Gigs labelled them the Hawthorn Owls. I reckon from a distance it could have been the Moths.

    How poo & wee clashes with navy blue only Adrian Anderson could tell.

    Great little match report btw.

  3. Andrew Starkie says

    congrats on the baby.

  4. John Harms says

    You seem very calm, Hamish. Congrats to you all.

  5. Hamish, mazeltov on your addition to the family and well done finding the space to still be a Knacker. Good report, I went to bed, it was just too depressing to watch. Enjoy your family and your football and best of everything to you all


  6. Hamish,
    Congrats to you and Quincy’s mum.
    Your prediction at the outset proved distressingly accurate to this Blueboy, and your analysis of the numerous problems facing the Blues is highly plausible.

    In fairness to Jamison, he was injured during the game, although Franklin had well and truly established his supremacy while Jamo was sound in wind and limb.

    As for Mitch Robinson, a few weeks back he was the featured player in one of those Q & A features in the Record. Even allowing for the element of piss-taking which is an obvious element of player responses, Robinson’s was gob-smacking. To the question of “How would you like to be remembered (at the end of your playing career), he responded (wtte, as I don’t have the mag in front of me) “achieving the record for the most number of concussions”. I suspect that this publicity may have influenced Ratten’s advice to him to take more care in leading with the head, which understandably caused Litza apoplexy – given that he is in the tiny minority of Carlton’s best 22, who can never be accuse do a lack of desire.

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