Melbourne Test – Day 3 : Is that what KP would do?

Again enough of the boring old match reports, today (or yesterday to be totally accurate) the inspiration for this report comes from 3 sources. There’s the Malcolm Conn report in the News Limited papers (which held up play in the last session when Australia wanted to get in another 2 overs batting) suggesting Kevin Pietersen should give up playing test cricket, there’s the South Park Movie in which the age old question is asked…”What would Brian Boitano Do?”. and there’s the fact that Carrie Bradshaw asks these types of questions for her day job before meeting up with friends and acquaintances before….well, let’s just leave it there.

Let’s go through the 10 second innings England wickets in order…..

– Alastair Cook, LBW B:Johnson
WAS THAT WHAT KP WOULD DO: It’s unlikely that Pietersen would be trapped half forward as Cook was. The scoring rate was comparable though, it seemed Cook was the only player that looked to score at a decent pace.

– Michael Carberry: LBW B:Siddle
WAS THAT WHAT KP WOULD DO: As per Cook’s dismissal, most likely no. In fact his whole innings was such a contrast to what KP would do it’s painful. To score 12 off 80 balls, then take half a week to depart the scene following dismissal (notwithstanding the drinks break) is more a cross between Geoff Boycott and Inzamam-Ul-Haq.

– Joe Root: Run Out

WAS THAT WHAT KP WOULD DO: Pushing and running was something Pietersen certainly tried in Brisbane, almost succeeding in running out Cook late on Day 2. It was admirable that someone at least tried to change things up by looking for singles rather than waiting for boundaries, but taking on the golden arm probably wasn’t in Joe’s thinking.

– Ian Bell: C:Johnson B:Lyon
WAS THAT WHAT KP WOULD DO: While it may have been likely that KP would have taken on the spinner early in the innings, the shot that Bell played, a tame bunt to mid off, would have been more like a genuine downtown hit or slog over his head. Still the tameness of the dismissal was like a KP departure in so many ways.

– Ben Stokes: C:Smith B:Lyon
WAS THAT WHAT KP WOULD DO: You better believe that’s what KP would do! It’s what he tried in Perth before Johnson pulled down a 2 handed overhead speccie.

– Jonny Bairstow: C:Haddin B:Johnson
WAS THAT WHAT KP WOULD DO: Chasing a wide delivery would be an occasional KP failing, although the Australian plan I’m sure was what happened in the first innings and indeed a couple of times in England. Not sure how many times now he’s been bowled through the gate in his career, but it’s something the quick bowlers have noticed.

– Tim Bresnan: B:Lyon
WAS THAT WHAT KP WOULD DO: If you’re referring to the shot then attempting a pull shot to a delivery not quite short enough was what KP was guilty of in the first innings, although his was against the pace of Johnson as opposed to the speed of Johnson. If you’re referring to the cluelesseness that followed, that was certainly more Alicia Silverstone than Kevin Pietersen, or probably closer to Jessica Simpson.

Stuart Broad: C:Clarke B:Lyon
WAS THAT WHAT KP WOULD DO: Prodding half forward to the spinner and getting an outside edge is probably not in the KP playbook.

– Kevin Pietersen: C:Harris B:Lyon

WAS THAT WHAT KP WOULD DO: Are you kidding? This IS Kevin Pietersen we’re talking about. He said himself he doesn’t trust the tail and based on the evidence during the series (Australian bottom 4 have scored 302 runs total in 5 innings, England 205 in 8 innings) who can blame him apart from the press who have nothing better but to KP bash.

– Monty Panesar: LBW B:Johnson
WAS THAT WHAT KP WOULD DO: To be fair if Monty could bat like KP then Panesar would be beaming with pride and batting well above 11 in the order. It’s also not often that a number 11 is trapped leg before either, they generally are either not good enough to stop the ball from going onto the stumps or are pre occupied with getting the legs well out of the way knowing those tools would be required for their main use shortly.


CONCLUSION: It doesn’t matter if the way that the English batsmen got out would be in the manner befitting Kevin Pietersen, the truth of the matter is that their inept batting display has resulted in a 4-0 scoreline with the odds of 5-0 shorter than the price of the GWS Giants winning a threepeat of wooden spoons.

About Mick Jeffrey

32 Year Old, Bulldogs Member and tragic. Reserve Grade coach after over 225 combined senior/reserves appearances for Brothers AFC in AFL Capricornia. 11 time Marathon finisher, one time Ultra Marathon finisher and Comrades Marathon competitor 2017.


  1. matt watson says

    KP was England’s best performed batsman in the Boxing Day Test. It doesn’t matter. He will still be criticised.
    It isn’t just his irresponsible batting that upsets people, including his teammates…

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