Almanac Poetry: Footy Whiskers

Who started the trend of growing whiskers
amongst the current footy hipsters?
Maybe it was Michael Tuck?
or could it have been Bruce Doull?
Now the beards have run amok
and moustaches are also cool.


Remember in the seventies
some players they would favour
as part of their identities
a luxuriant soup strainer


some grew one like Adolph Hitler
and trimmed it with a clipper
Some are big and some are littler
or rampant, like on Dipper


Well now it’s every Matt or Jack
sports a beard or mo
those who can’t, still have a crack
and try to make one grow.


Sideys, goatees, pencil thin
or full Ned Kelly styles
they cover up their facial skin
and we can’t see their smiles


Perhaps that’s the idea of it
to create a fierce-some spectre
some don’t succeed you will admit
and look like a tax collector


Bum-fluff on some rookies may
look like fairy floss
while some could shave it twice a day
and still grow facial moss.


I can’t imagine breathing through
a forestry of hair
would be at all conducive
to sucking in the air


And in the heat the extra fuzz
would raise an itchy sweat
I’d have to hear the razor’s buzz
to obviate the threat.


Not enough strict discipline
controls players’ appearance
I think the clubs should draw the line
and insist on strict adherence


to turning up clean shaven
That’s something they should do
if they can get them to cave-in
My next target is tattoos.


© The Rhymer 2018



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  1. Thanks TR. What about the ‘man bun’ and more recent mullets? Would love to see a man bun or ‘mullet bun’ and a ‘beard bun’ on the same player!

  2. george smith says

    Nick Malcheski – the first Ned Kelly look-alike to win a premiership since Bob Chitty!

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