Almanac Lord’s Test: The Muse is musing on Bazball

 

 

 

 

 

 

Well it’s cold in Melbourne at the minute; in fact it’s so cold I’ve put a call into Greta Thunberg to see if she can hurry Global Warming up . The Abbotts Lagers are safely stored in the dam in a wheat bag or three and I’m on Abbottsford Stout for the next few months. It’s a good drop in the colder months as just like Stewie Dew it has a bit of body to it.

 

Anyway, after a few stouts tonight I rolled a Capstan ready-rubbed and commenced to muse on cricket and in particular the impact on cricket of the spinoff from cricket Bazball. For those of you on the Muse who have no interest in cricket look away now or think what impact half court tennis had on Wimbledon.

 

 

 

Jeez, that’s a rather lengthy lead, but in particular I was musing on if I had been Roaming Brian and allowed into the English rooms at Lord’s after play yesterday . An interview with the English coach Brendon McCullum may have gone

 

Muse:    Thanks for your time Brendon, may I call you Brendo?

 

Brendo:                The name is Baz. I am the father of Bazball and as you know Bazball played the Bazball way is the saviour of Test Cricket

 

Muse:                   So how do you feel about being 2-0 down in the series Baz?

 

Baz (by request):              You just don’t get it. Inwardly we know we are leading the series 2-0 as we have played the Bazball way. The scoreboard is irrelevant as Bazball is about entertaining the public whilst feeling really good about how you are saving cricket for future generations.

 

Muse: So tell me about the origin of Bazball?

 

Baz:       Well, I was appointed coach of England and they were really on the nose – in fact they couldn’t beat a drum at the time. Stokesy was appointed Captain and over a few Dominion Bitters we hatched Bazball. We thought  if you played entertaining cricket nobody cared if you won. T20 proves that nobody can remember who won yesterday let alone 12 months ago.

 

Muse:    Why were you drinking Dominion Bitter?

 

Baz:       Excellent question my man, you are now starting to focus. Stokesy and I are Kiwis and we were drinking DB because we couldn’t get any Speights. I am a modest man but I reckon Stokesy and me are the best cricketers to come out of the Land of the Long White Cloud .

 

Muse:    What about Sir Richard Hadlee?

 

Baz: Is that the bloke who played in the Brisbane Lions 2003 premiership? I didn’t know he was a Kiwi, God love him.

 

Muse:    Now, onto this Lord’s Test, what do you think of the Bairstow dismissal?

 

Baz:       In a word: cheating.

 

Muse:    But it’s in the rules of the game.

 

Baz:       PLEASE, there are traditional rules of the game which have now been usurped by  Bazball rules which Stokesy and myself wrote on a parchment with a thumbnail dipped in tar. That stuff isn’t in Bazball rules.

 

Muse:    Footage shows you as the Kiwi keeper doing the same as Carey.

 

Baz:       I hadn’t invented Bazball then and I was playing under the rules of the day.

 

Muse:    What if it had been England who had thrown down the stumps?

 

Baz:       Stupid question Fat Johny couldn’t hit the side of a barn from five yards with a sawn off shotgun. But if he had, it would be ok because Bazball rules are flexible – and only Stokesy and me can change them.

 

Muse:    What did you think of the behaviour of the Lord’s Members when the Australians came in for lunch?

 

Baz:       Perfectly acceptable. What is a man to do when after a Pimms or seven and a cucumber sandwich or three when a mob of cheats walks past him and invades his hallowed space. I feel for Bartholomew Frinton Smythe, Humphrey Wigbert-Porter and Quenton Breckenridge who have all had their impeccable reputations sullied because they flew the flag for Bazball and are now banned from Lord’s.  Khawaja and Warner were very lucky a physical altercation was avoided as Frinton-Smythe was an Oxford Greco-Roman wrestling Blue in 1968 and Breckenridge was a Cambridge Boxing Blue in 1970. I shudder to think of the damage these lads could have inflicted had they not restrained themselves.

 

Muse: Time is on the wing Baz but I will throw a few names at you.

 

Baz:       OK

 

Muse:    Jimmy Anderson?

 

Baz:       Integral part of Bazball. His grandkids never fail to lift our spirits in the rooms, he is reduced to bowling pies on these wickets, which gives the opposition the opportunity to play Bazball and understand how good it is. I especially like his imitation of Inzamam Ul-Haq in the field. It’s a cause for great joy in the Bazball way.

 

Muse:    Johny Bairstow?

 

Baz:  Well Johny had a blinder. Twice he threw his wicket away: a combination of Bazball batting and multi-tasking by having a nanna nap at the same time. His wicket keeping is of the highest order as under Bazball the right technique is to come up early to the spinners and come up late when the quicks are bowling. That way anything he gloves looks spectacular and the Bazball fans love it. Carey, the Aussie cheat, does the opposite so anything he does is pedestrian and boring. Seriously, Carey couldn’t catch a pitch invader if he tried and our man Johnny never misses a pitch invader. We teach it at Bazball Camp.

 

Muse:  Ollie Robinson?

 

Baz:       Ollie is pivotal to Bazball. Aside from being a quality player with 70 Test wickets over a ten-year career he is our attack dog and has really unsettled Khawaja to the point where he thinks occupying the crease and  making runs is more important than slogging a quick 30 as is the Bazball way. I reckon Ollie is living rent free in Ussie’s head right now.

 

Muse: Ben Duckett?

 

Baz:       Ben is a selfless individual. He fully understands that throwing away his wicket in pursuit of Bazball immortality is far more important than achieving personal milestones. I admire the way he sacrificed his wicket in both innings for the greater good .

 

Muse:    Joe Root?

 

Baz:       Joe is on shaky ground: his approach is based in the past. He is yet to fully embrace Bazball.

 

Muse:    Stuart Broad?

 

Baz:       I have never met a more principled man. He gives his whole for Bazball and never compromises his values, nor is he prone to buffoonery or making outlandish comments

 

Muse:    Ben Stokes?

 

Baz:       Stokesy has been heavily involved in Bazball but to truly embrace it he needs to start hitting boundaries from the first ball he faces.

 

Muse:    Thanks for your time Baz and good luck for the rest of the series.

 

Baz:       Pleasure and I am confident this will be a 5-0 moral victory for Bazball.

 

As I left the Bazballers were singing their theme song after another moral victory:

 

 

Bazballers, way to go
Hit em hard
Bazzers give em the old heave ho
We are the Bazzball shockers

 

 

Over and Out from the Home of Cricket,
The Muse (Hayden Kelly)

 

 

 

Read more musings and some fine memoir from The Muse (Drizzle) HERE

 

 

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