Almanac Life and Humour: Things that may happen before a vaccine rollout in Australia  


Artwork by Kate Birrell



Scott Morrison responds competently to a national emergency.


Carlton totally rebuilds the club and rises to contention.


Someone who can bat for Australia emerges, with a name that doesn’t rhyme with “Heavin’ Sniff” or “Garners Lot-sa-fame”.


Shaun Burgoyne retires.


David Mundy retires.


Tim Paine retires.


Max Gawn shaves the beard.


Peta Credlin becomes a hard-hitting, bipartisan journalist obsessed with ‘keeping the bastards honest’.


Nick Kyrgios takes up yoga and starts work counselling angry teenagers.


Ben Simmons makes a three.


Damien Hardwick embraces Marvel Stadium as the new home of football.


The AFL releases a non-confusing and sensible interpretation of ‘holding the ball’.


Gladys Berejiklian is met with unreasonably negative media coverage.


A summer passes without a f’ked NRL scandal involving either urine or someone’s pooch.


Ben Cunnington buys an iPhone and an accompanying selfie stick.


Scott Pendlebury is mentioned without an introduction to his basketball background.


Donald Trump concedes.


Federal government funding is distributed equitably between rival electorates.


An AFL rule change is met with widespread approval and support.


Jair Bolsonaro becomes a pretty agreeable dude.


Gold Coast’s finals drought ends.


Sam Menegola’s surname is pronounced correctly.


Ash Barty returns to her cricketing career with the Brisbane Heat.


Tom Lynch converts to pacificism and not punching people in the back of the head.


Mark McGowan throws open the WA border to everyone.


The Sunbury Metro line goes more than a month without delays or timetable cancellations.


The Geelong football club commits to a youth policy.


The words ‘scrambling,’ ‘rushing’ and ‘racing’ are not used to describe the work of Covid contact tracers.


The public warms to Toby Greene.


England win the Euros (this might actually happen).


Simone Biles goes medal-less in Tokyo (coupled with the complete success of the bio-secure Olympics, with no Covid-related ramifications whatsoever).


Boomer Harvey appears to be severely out of shape.


Chris Scott accepts a contentious umpiring decision with no visible reaction.


Christian Petracca receives no comparison to Dustin Martin on AFL talk shows.


Jordan De Gooey and Jake Stringer too receive no comparison to Dustin Martin on AFL talk shows.


Hotel quarantine becomes a completely water-tight way to manage the pandemic.


Ticketek is lauded for its user-friendly, streamlined interface.


Milwaukee Bucks’ star basketballer Giannis Antetokounmpo has his name pronounced correctly by confused Australian newsreaders.


Richmond goes 25 minutes without experiencing some sort of scandal.


Canberra goes 25 minutes without experiencing some sort of scandal.


Sam Newman becomes a Greens voter.


Late-teen boys steer away from the mullet as a haircut option.


Paul Roos, ‘Choco’ Williams and Ross Lyon are not linked to vacant coaching jobs.


Jack Riewoldt celebrates a goal without pointing at something.


The bump is declared ‘alive and well’.



The Tigers (Covid) Almanac 2020 will be published in 2021. It will have all the usual features – a game by game account of the Tigers season – and will also include some of the best Almanac writing from the Covid winter.  Pre-order HERE


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  1. BT pronounces “here” with only one syllable.

  2. Gold.

  3. Rulebook says

    Absolutely brilliant Paddy

  4. Mark 'Swish' Schwerdt says

    Consider my lid dipped Paddy

  5. Rabid Dog says

    Kane Cornes makes an intelligent football comment

  6. 6 per cent says


  7. VFL invites Power Seconds and Crows Seconds to leave SANFL and join it.

  8. Roger Federer retires from competing in Grand Slam tournaments.

  9. Jeff Kennett demonstrates humility. And, in doing so, acknowledges that his footy club’s reliance on poker machine revenue is obscene and unconscionable.

  10. Betting companies will acknowledge that their tv and online advertising has gone way over the top and resolve to dial it back to a more reasonable level, maybe even cease it altogether.

  11. Mike Brady, by popular demand, sings his classics “Up There Cazaly” and “One Day in September” but also released another single, “New Premier in September”.

  12. Football Analyst says

    Due to the ever growing cases in Sydney, GWS and Sydney have been told to stay in Melbourne until they have both been eliminated from the 2021 finals. Both clubs decide to merge to become Greater Winning Sydney and appoint Alastair Clarkson as coach for 2022, so GWS can finally win a flag on talent alone.

  13. Channel 7 admits that Brian Taylor, James Brayshaw and Luke Darcy are, in fact, very poor football commentators.

  14. Channel 9 admits that Jelena Dokic is an extremely poor tennis commentator.

  15. Dan Hannebery plays his first game of senior football for the year and pulls up well. He admits that he hasn’t worked out at St Kilda and tells the club to only pay him match payments from now on for every game he plays, leaving St Kilda with more room in the salary cap.

  16. Anonymous says

    Novak Djokovic actually loses a Grand Slam singles match.

  17. Football Analyst says

    Billy Brownless makes an intelligent comment on The Sunday Football Show on Channel 9.

  18. Dare I say it …………. The Tigers (Covid) Almanac 2020 will be published in 2021.

  19. Tennis Analyst says

    Ash Barty, let alone any other Australian female or male tennis player, to win the 2022 Australian Open in January.

  20. Channel 7 admits that Ricky Ponting is in fact a very poor cricket commentator in terms of his voice, talking too fast and speaking in a monotone.

  21. The AFL together with the police, arrest all online trolls who give racist abuse to Indigenous footballers, or abuse any footballer or person in general, and demand that the courts enforce tough prison sentences for the offenders.

  22. Dan Andrews admits his government got it wrong with returned travellers in hotel quarantine and bans football fans from visiting the bars at the MCG and Marvel Stadium to stop the spread of the virus.

  23. Anthony Albanese concedes as Opposition Leader. He claims that Labor has no hope of winning the next Federal Election and becomes the new CEO of the NRL, as he loves rugby.

  24. 2032 Brisbane Olympics delayed a year to complete vaccine rollout.

  25. Football Analyst says

    As PB (get it, a PB at the Olympics) mentioned the 2032 Brisbane Olympics and the year after, dare I say it, St Kilda has finally won the 2nd flag in their history by the time of the Brisbane Olympics, assuming the vaccine rollout hasn’t been completed by then.

  26. Basil Fawlty of Fawlty Towers says

    Channel 7 offer Basil Zempilas, Dennis Commeti and Bruce McAvaney massive contracts to reappear on the Channel 7 AFL commentary team,. Otherwise channel 7 thinks everything is ok with their football commentators.

  27. Caroline Wilson gets praised in the media for all the numerous theories she puts forward on Footy Classified that end up being true instead of being criticised by any individuals she may have offended in the process.

  28. Football Analyst says

    Jeff Kennett actually gets praised for his handling of the Alastair Clarkson matter as Alastair Clarkson had coached Hawthorn for 17 years and Hawthorn are currently equal last on the ladder and a coach is only as good as his players, regardless of having coached Hawthorn to 4 flags with champion players and several matchwinners from 2008 to 2015.

  29. Football Analyst says

    For the sake of continued equality in the AFL, the AFL demands that in the future, any top free agents can only go to a club that has won less than 5 premierships in their whole history, to give those clubs a better chance of winning a flag, just like the top clubs already get stronger with top free agents, which help them add to their current large number of clubs. By the way Observer, you will be pleased to know that Caroline Wilson was praised last night by Gerard Healy on the 6pm 3AW program for her story that Clarkson would not coach Hawthorn in 2022. He told Caroline she was right and she just replied that she will continue to break stories, as it’s her job. Well done Caro.

  30. Football Analyst says

    The media puts the heat more on St Kilda than Carlton as Brett Ratten’s coaching career at St Kilda has been for the same length as David Teague’s coaching career at Carlton. Yet, Carlton are above St Kilda on the ladder with a better percentage and at the start of the year many experts thought St Kilda had a better list than Carlton and St Kilda would play finals this year. However, St Kilda has dropped from 6th last year to currently 13th on the ladder with a harder draw than Carlton and St Kilda has been decimated all year by injuries to top players for an extended period of time.

  31. Football Analyst says

    Mike Brady sings his new single “Let’s just get the jab done” at the 2021 AFL Grand Final at the MCG, encouraging Scott Morrison to make the vaccine rollout in Australia more quickly.

  32. Football Analyst says

    Channel 7 offer Alastair Nicholson big money to join its AFL football commentary team after he did an outstanding job as a hockey and diving commentator at the 2020 Tokyo Olympics, as well being a great commentator on the Big Bash channel 7 commentary team and he accepts the offer.

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