Almanac (Footy) Poetry: Umpire Dissent

Umpire Dissent

 

The umpire’s job’s not easy so it’s time to make a stand

you’re not allowed to question him or make a firm demand

Instead you button up your lip while inner turmoil rages

raise your arms in question and you’ll be on the back pages

 

Ask any fan and they will know it’s such a rotten plight

‘cos history has shown us they are hardly ever right

“Dropped the ball!” shrieks half the crowd, the rest say “in the back!”

at best it’s 50/50 in defence or in attack

 

So players now just stand forlorn, their countenance quite meek

and Razor yells “STAND” on the mark, their legs a block of teak

A twitch and 50 metres gone, the “protected area” spurious

players from the early days would find this rule quite curious

 

But what about the fans like me who’ve shouted from the stands

“Yer blind ya bloody maggot” ‘cos it’s us who understands

That just a bit of niggle warms up a freezing day

we’re not here for the umpies, we wanna see the players play

 

But sad to say, it’s near I think, the writing’s on the wall

it won’t be very long until we’re not allowed to call

So no dissent and no abuse, pack up that term “you bludger”

or you’ll be in on Monday night, the tribunal’s gonna judge ya

 

You’ll get two weeks, a fine as well, apologise to all

your beanie headed mugshot up on the cop shop wall

 

So if you want to barrack now, it will have to be sublime

irony should be OK, satire quite divine

Whimsy, wit and drollery should never be dismissed

but don’t offend minorities, leave the umpies off your list!

 

 

RLM Incorporated April 22

 

 

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