Almanac (Footy) Poetry: Umpire Dissent
Umpire Dissent
The umpire’s job’s not easy so it’s time to make a stand
you’re not allowed to question him or make a firm demand
Instead you button up your lip while inner turmoil rages
raise your arms in question and you’ll be on the back pages
Ask any fan and they will know it’s such a rotten plight
‘cos history has shown us they are hardly ever right
“Dropped the ball!” shrieks half the crowd, the rest say “in the back!”
at best it’s 50/50 in defence or in attack
So players now just stand forlorn, their countenance quite meek
and Razor yells “STAND” on the mark, their legs a block of teak
A twitch and 50 metres gone, the “protected area” spurious
players from the early days would find this rule quite curious
But what about the fans like me who’ve shouted from the stands
“Yer blind ya bloody maggot” ‘cos it’s us who understands
That just a bit of niggle warms up a freezing day
we’re not here for the umpies, we wanna see the players play
But sad to say, it’s near I think, the writing’s on the wall
it won’t be very long until we’re not allowed to call
So no dissent and no abuse, pack up that term “you bludger”
or you’ll be in on Monday night, the tribunal’s gonna judge ya
You’ll get two weeks, a fine as well, apologise to all
your beanie headed mugshot up on the cop shop wall
So if you want to barrack now, it will have to be sublime
irony should be OK, satire quite divine
Whimsy, wit and drollery should never be dismissed
but don’t offend minorities, leave the umpies off your list!
RLM Incorporated April 22
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