Almanac (Footy) Poetry – The Rhymer: The Coach’s Dream

The recruitment guy was set a task
The perfect player was the coach’s ask


Someone to build the future on
Not number one and then he’s gone


Someone aged twenty-one or near
Preferable born in a leap year


Then he’ll only age one in four
That’s the type we’re looking for


Look for one with Buddy’s strut
and like Dylan Sheils, a real tough nut


With the marking power of Benny Brown
And a player who just won’t back down


Like Cunnington or Isaac Heaney
Who can evade a tackle like a genie


Or even better, like Joel Selwood
who can drop his head, just like he would.


Find me one with Dusty’s vision
and the ability to avoid collisions


Speed like Danger would be great
And a mouth like Heath Shaw’s, don’t hesitate


And pick out one with Sandi’s height
That crumbs like Eddie, then you might


look for Fyfe’s anticipation
Now we’re getting a combination


that will set the world on fire
But there’s a few more things that I desire


A good long kick like Shannon Hurn
And someone who can twist and turn


like Pendelbury, with his footy smarts
Now we’re gathering all the parts


To make what I want in a player
– now the heart and lungs of a proper stayer


Like Andrew Gaff or Rory Sloane
I guess my dream would be their clone


Touhey’s accent would be a plus
Then the man on him could not discuss,


or understand the coach’s tactics
or interpret the team’s didactics.


One to incorporate the annoying lines
that come from the mouth of Ballantyne


And while we’re considering finishing touches
Someone who could evade the clutches


of a tackler like Port’s Brad Ebert
or Nic Nat, – now there is an expert


It’s shame we can’t pick Naitanui
Since he went down with a bad knee injury


Coz he has most of the attributes
Of what I’m looking for in recruits


Oh, I nearly forgot a strong defence
Like Rance or Rampe, hang the expense


I’ve still got room for a player with flair
with Dane Beam’s Tatts or Dusty’s hair


(or perhaps the junior Garry Ablett
with his head smooth like a tablet)


that’s my wish list done and dusted
(and I don’t want the salary cap adjusted)


Well there you have it – that’s my list
I don’t think there’s anything I’ve missed


Did I mention I need him yesterday?
or that the CEO won’t pay?


Or give away an early pick
Do you think that you can do the trick?


well don’t just stand there gobsmacked son
get out there now and find me one.


© The Rhymer 2018



  1. DBalassone says

    Good one Rhymer!

    Reminds me of what coaches used to say when their sides were struggling: ‘We’re not far off. We just need a good ruckman, a key forward and a pacy rover.’

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