Almanac English Soccer – Sun, sand and soccer: A festival of League Two (Jan 6)

 

What a glorious Christmas and New Year’s period in League Two, and how exciting the second half of the season is shaping up to be. We all know Liverpool’s going to win the Premier League, it’s the same crop of teams in the Championship vying for promotion, League One has the ‘Marcia Brady’ syndrome to deal with – it’s all Wrexham, Wrexham Wrexham, so all eyes are on League Two, which I think it’s safe to assume is now the only league in English Football worth paying attention to, has been for some time and everybody knows it.

 

Notts County were tumbling down the table in the lead up to Christmas. They’re the oldest club in the world until they’re relegated out of the League, then they’re not the oldest club in the world anymore. Then they’re promoted back into the EFL and they’re back to being the oldest club in the world again. How does that work? The maintenance crew at Meadow Lane had the drills out in mid-December and were getting ready to take all the ‘oldest club in the world’ plaques and signs down plastered around the ground, that’s how bad Notts were going, then they hit a patch of form and are back in the promotion race and the drill’s been packed away in the toolbox- they haven’t locked the shed, though. You never know how Notts will go in the next few weeks.

 

Milton Keynes were playing like Geelong were playing in 1989; unbeatable and scoring at will, now they’re stuck in a Fitzroy 1963 spiral, can’t score to save themselves and are plummeting down the table.

 

‘The class of ’92,’ a consortium of ex-Manchester United players including the Neville brothers, Nicky Butt, Paul Scholes and Ryan Giggs from the glory years of Alex Ferguson’s reign have gained majority ownership of Salford City and the club has roared up the table, winning their last six games.

 

Bromley were unbeaten for twelve games until they were thumped 4-1 by Crewe overnight; the Railwaymen are now second on the table, and Gillingham have sacked Mark Bonner, who won the ‘manager of the month’ award not that long back.

 

But the big news is that American rapper A$AP Rocky is rumoured to be preparing a takeover for Tranmere Rovers. While fellow Merseyside clubs Liverpool and Everton have the walk-out music of ‘You’ll Never Walk Alone,’ and the theme from ‘Z-Car’ (work that one out), Tranmere might soon have their players walking out onto Prenton Park to some of Rocky’s own songs- ‘I Smoked away my Brain,’ Lord Pretty Flacko Jodye,’ and ‘Fashion Killa.’

 

Theres so much happening, you can’t take your eyes of this league for a minute. Bottom placed Carlisle might lose to Harrogate but end up jumping five places on the table and it wouldn’t surprise me if I wake up one morning to find Tottenham have dropped three divisions and are now in League Two. It’s the only way they’ll win something, would be their reasoning. They still wouldn’t win-sorry Ange, but that’s how wild and unpredictable things are.

 

All of this this prompted me to write to the promotional department at League Two headquarters in London, explaining to them that the two winter codes in Australia, the NRL and the AFL, have a weekend where all the clubs play in the one place. The NRL have Magic Round in Brisbane, and the AFL shoot off to Adelaide to celebrate Gather Round. Both rounds draw huge crowds from across the country, it brings lovers of League and Aussie Rules fans together, so why can’t League Two do the same?

 

My suggestion is instead of holding a festival of League Two at Wembley or Old Trafford, is that they fly all the clubs to Australia during the summer for a weekend round of non-stop League two action at…Bondi Beach!

 

We can cordon off a portion of Bondi, drop in a soccer pitch, dust off the temporary grandstands they used for the beach volleyball during the 2000 Olympics and hold a festival of League Two football action there.

 

Wouldn’t that be fantastic?

 

Imagine being in England in January or February. It’s drab and dreary, freezing, wet and snowing, everyone’s huddled in front of heaters, wondering what to watch when they flick on the telly in their lounge rooms? ‘Eastenders?’ Reruns of ‘Father Brown’ and ‘Top Gear’? Or they can see sun, sand and soccer and a whole weekend of League Two action from halfway across the world at Bondi. With the shimmering blue of the Pacific Ocean in the background and the golden sand surrounding the pitch, it would be a sight to behold. Half of England is over here anyway, escaping the cold and it would be capacity attendance for every match.

 

Twelve continuous games over one weekend of League Two footy. No one would care about Southampton playing Leicester, or Blackburn hosting Preston North End, all eyes would be on the Colchester v Accrington, or Bradfield v Fleetwood games, and millions would watch from England and around the world. Think of the star-studded celebrities in the stands watching. The ‘Class of ’92’ would be there, and I have my fingers crossed that A$AP Rocky does complete the takeover of Tranmere Rovers, because that means his girlfriend, Grammy award winner and best-selling recording artist, Rihanna, might be in the crowd as well. She might be even tempted to sing ‘God Save the King,’ at the start of each match. All topped off by the last game of the round, the pinnacle of the festival and 21^st century’s greatest sporting rivalry– AFC Wimbledon v Milton Keynes Dons.

 

A bonanza of a rolled-gold winner.

 

I note that it’s an election year in Australia in 2025. What great publicity it would be if opposition leader, Peter ‘Spud’ Dutton took advantage of the festival of League Two and contacted his mining buddies. He could get them to lend some bulldozers and earth digging equipment to dig up the sand at Bondi to make room for the pitch, and what a coup it would be if he borrowed a helicopter from you-know-who, manned the controls and flew the drop-in-pitch himself to Bondi. With a fleet of News Corp photographers squeezed in the back of the cockpit cheering him on, capturing the moment that Dutton communicates with ground control on the mic while he hovers over Bondi.

 

‘How we looking, fellas?’

 

‘Bring her down, Spud.’

 

He safely lands the pitch at Bondi before turning from his seat and gives the thumbs-up and his now-famous cheesy grin to the photographers.

 

Albo may as well concede defeat right there and then.

 

So if any Almanackers who live in Sydney’s eastern suburbs are woken one morning by the ‘thwok thwok thwok,’ sound of the rotor blades of a helicopter, look out the window to the sky and ask themselves, ‘what is that green pitch-sized rectangular thing they’re hauling,’ then hear an almighty rumble and see a flotilla of semi-trailers driving earth moving machinery towards Campbell Parade, you’ll know the festival of League Two footy is on.

 

Read more in this series from Paul Harman HERE

 

 

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Our writers are independent contributors. The opinions expressed in their articles are their own. They are not the views, nor do they reflect the views, of Malarkey Publications.

 

 

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