Almanac Beer: Review – Nort


Sitting on our patio late Sunday I decide to open a beer. A Nort, it was abandoned recently by a supposed friend. Like an unwanted and inarguably ugly dog it’s been skulking in the beer fridge, all forlorn and problematic but somehow demanding my attention.


Easing off the top there’s no Christmas Day sizzle or birthday effervescence. Just grim functionality, like programming a Betamax VCR in 1984. It’s unceremonious.


The label is Scandinavian assertive with a blunt command and not casually idiomatic as I’d prefer with beer nomenclature. It demands the drinker, ‘Enjoy More.’ Enjoy more what I wonder. Bing Crosby albums or possibly Gilligan’s Island reruns? Seems a bit pushy.


In the bottom half of the label (there’s probably a technical term for this that the Gruen folk could doubtless tell me) it confidently declares the contents to be, REFRESHING ALE. Well, I’ll be the judge of that I think. See, I’ve already started arguing with my beer and this is generally a harbinger of personal doom. Never a good idea on a Sunday.


I next learn that my beverage is ‘100% crafted.’ Now, I’m pretty sure this is porky pies. Crafted by a kindly old grandpa in his rustic shed? Or spewed up on an automated and soulless conveyor belt in a post-apocalyptic industrial estate?


I think we both know the answer to this.



Spinning the bottle around provides further critical reading opportunity. Who knew that beer could be so educational, so enlightening? If I reflect sufficiently on this, I may concoct a taxonomy for future generations to apply to their late weekend drinking pursuits.


Then I see that my ale is, ‘plant based.’




This is great news for I had become weary of all the meat-based beer I’d been happily consuming. All the sausage-centred lager and the steak-derived stout. Not to mention the pork pilsner (could be an adult film, produced in Hamburg).


However, as I type I wonder about the genius that would be a schnitzel-based beer. Imagine the time we could save! Just fire up the nutri-bullet and stick it all in together! Hot or cold, winter or summer! Zap and pour. Yum.


So, how was the beer? Peering at the label again I note that Nort anagrams to Rotn.


Yes, this has been a decidedly rotten episode. Linguistically, spiritually, alcoholically.


I don’t know what it costs or where you buy it. If a mate leaves one in your fridge, tip in on some weeds you want dead and claim the ten cents refund.




More stories from Mickey Randall can be read Here.



We’ll do our best to publish two books in the lead-up to Christmas 2021. The Tigers (Covid) Almanac 2020  and the 2021 edition to celebrate the Dees’ magnificent premiership season(title is up for discussion at the moment!). These books will have all the usual features – a game by game account of the Tigers and Demons season – and will also include some of the best Almanac writing from these two Covid winters. Enquiries HERE


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About Mickey Randall

Now whip it into shape/ Shape it up, get straight/ Go forward, move ahead/ Try to detect it, it's not too late/ To whip it, whip it good


  1. george smith says

    Life is too short for bad beer and bad wine. I have a different solution. You know those mates who bring a case of Corona to a party? Quietly mix in the crap beer into the Coronas and no one will notice the difference. Always bring your own beer on such occasions in case you get stuck with Corona…

    Another trick is if you have a treasured half bottle of beer that goes flat. Mix in the flat beer with some Carlton Zero and the life will return to your beer without the pretend stuff overwhelming it. Give it a try.

  2. As this is a Mickey Randall Greatest Hits blog (Ripper ’21?) I’ll reprise my Twitter B Side:
    “Stop all the clocks, cut off the kegs;
    Dog won’t run, he’s got no legs;
    He was my Nort, my Soused, my Least, my Jest;
    My drinking weak, my Sunday messed”.
    (This beer would send WH Auden to Temperance Hall)

  3. Kevin Densley says

    Nought, eh Mickey?

  4. Thanks for reading and commenting. George- I could never see the fuss about Corona- bland and lacking substance. More charisma in flat lemonade!

  5. Beware these shit beers Mickey. They’re everywhere!!

    Never had a bad Carlton Draught.

  6. Crikey, Mickey.
    But I give you credit: I would not have bothered!

  7. Bad beer or no beer? Unsure but a cold bitters, lime and lemon certainly outstrips all rancid lagers. Thanks Dips and Smokie- I’m confident you’re both enjoying the freedoms of the city!

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