AFLFLIX 2018: The Year in Review

The start of a new season is an exciting time. But given the time pressures on working families, working adults, working children, those without work, and those without families; and given downwards pressure of wage stagnation, upwards pressure of executive bonuses and periodic pressure of wondering about the while teetering enterprise; not everyone has the time for footy.

So we have compiled this week-by-week review of the AFL, AFLW, AFLM, AFLX, AFLY, AFLZ seasons of 2018. No need for you to navigate lecherous ticketing websites, no need to remember usernames nor passwords, no need to be gouged by variable pricing or to fork out real money for the dubious privilege of accessing a TV channel (itself brimming with commercials).

We here present the key events of each week of the AFLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ 2018 season. Not the on-field events, of course. They’re a lottery.

No, rather these are the off-field stories that truly bind us – the narratives, the fabric, the rich tapestry which feeds and nurtures us all; the common folk. Stories from the industry, by the industry; an industry that employs more communications staff than footballers.
And why not? We don’t care for insight nor thought (nor football). We want stories. Heroes and villains. For most of us, this AFLALPHABET is another TV drama. But one that manages to take over the www, news and radio, too. It’s a truly immersive drama. Let’s call it AFLFLIX. Here is AFLFLIX 2018


Week 1. Monday 5 February

AFLW is back. Crowds are back. People are happy again. Round 1 sees a disparate response from the media. Some are enraptured once again. Some are dismayed. Crowd statistics are variously carved, diced, sliced and sautéed in a light tomato and garlic sauce, leaving a light sweetness on the palate. Enjoyed with a Rosé.
Commentators interview one another.
Someone does a knee.


Week 2. Monday 12 February

“Season-defining” is used in a story.
The AFLFLIX comms staff go into meltdown advertising AFLX – strangely a game that nobody wants, needs nor asked for, played by the game’s prime assets stakeholders players. Scheduled to cause maximum annoyance to cricket and AFLW types. “The inaugural 2018 AFLX tournament promises to be a great family experience with something for fans of all ages. AFLX promises to be a different experience, with game-day featuring fireworks, music DJs, in-game commentary, roving performers, kids and family zones and giveaways.” [true(!)] http://www.afl.com.au/aflx


Week 3. Monday 19 February

AFLX round 1 brings a disparate response from the media. Some are enraptured. Some are dismayed. Crowd statistics are variously carved, diced, sliced and sautéed in a light cheese and vodka fondue, leaving a headache-inducing blandness on the palate. Enjoyed with silence.

 

Week 4. Monday 26 February
New commentators are announced. Puff piece page-fillers about them are published in tabloids, such insights as: “I love this job,” “Some of those names are tricky to say,” and “it’s much harder than it looks.”
Various season launch parties are held, players are interviewed. Leadership groups appointed.
Somebody wins an award.

 

Week 5. Monday 5 March
AFLW continues. Citizens, community, people carrying real hopes and dreams follow it, go along, and, dollar by dollar, further line the pockets of AFLFLIX executives.
Commentators interview one another.
Someone does a knee.

 

Week 6. Monday 12 March
Brownlow markets are suspended after those alarming flesh-eating sea lice of Port Phillip Bay develop a taste for recuperating wading footballers.
Several favourites are expected to miss multiple games through illness/ disfigurement.
“Most-eagerly anticipated season in living memory” is used in a story.

 

Week 7. Monday 19 March
The AFLFLIX serves up a Thursday night opening to the Men’s season, to a populace worked to a fever pitch by frothing radio and newspaper and television voices.
Among the many questions not asked are: Who decided the MCG should be the venue? Why? Who decided the teams involved? Why?
The identity of AFLFLIX decision-makers continues to be clouded, as do their relationships with various media and stadium and gambling figures. Back-scratching and deals and all with tax-free status inevitably draws the attention of the 4Corners investigative unit.

ROUND 1
Thursday, 22 March
Richmond vs. Carlton (MCG) (N)
Friday, 23 March
Essendon vs. Adelaide Crows (ES) (N)
Saturday, 24 March
St Kilda vs. Brisbane Lions (ES)
Port Adelaide vs. Fremantle (AO) (T)
Gold Coast SUNS vs. North Melbourne (CS) (N)
Hawthorn vs. Collingwood (MCG) (N)
Sunday, 25 March
GWS GIANTS vs. Western Bulldogs (UNSW)
Melbourne vs. Geelong Cats (MCG)
West Coast Eagles vs. Sydney Swans (PS) (N)

 

Week 8. Monday 26 March
Adelaide footy media melts down by Tuesday due to Payback/ Comeuppance talk-back. Hot-air wind-power looms as a realistic means of South Australian energy generation.
Easter round approaches, with religious, hospital fund-raising and chocolate figures all debating the scheduling of a game on Good Friday.
Commentators interview one another.

31 March – 2 April, Stawell Gift
28 March- 8 April, Bells Beach surfing

ROUND 2
Thursday, 29 March
Adelaide Crows vs. Richmond (AO) (N)
Friday, 30 March
North Melbourne vs. St Kilda (ES) (T)
Saturday, 31 March
Carlton vs. Gold Coast SUNS (ES)
Collingwood vs. GWS GIANTS (MCG) (T)
Brisbane Lions vs. Melbourne (G) (N)
Fremantle vs. Essendon (PS) (N)
Sunday, 1 April
Western Bulldogs vs. West Coast Eagles (ES)
Sydney Swans vs. Port Adelaide (SCG) (T)

Monday, 2 April
Geelong Cats vs. Hawthorn (MCG)

 

Week 9. Monday 2 April
Scheduled for the arse-end of nowheresville on a day when bugger-all else is open, and many are away on holidays, the Good Friday game draws a pleasing crowd of 73 people. Geelong and Hawthorn fans in their tens of thousands take to social media to insufferably bang-on about some long-ago-distant rivalry.
Parochial footy media types criticise the Commonwealth Games as the Who Cares Games, lambasting the lack of competition on the one hand, while boasting of “our” medal tally on the other.

4 April, Commonwealth Games Opening Ceremony
5-8 April, The Masters, Augusta National, Georgia
6-8 April, Davis Cup Semi Finals

ROUND 3
Friday, 6 April
Carlton vs. Collingwood (MCG) (N)
Saturday, 7 April
Port Adelaide vs. Brisbane Lions (AO)
Melbourne vs. North Melbourne (MCG)
Gold Coast SUNS vs. Fremantle (PS) (T)
Sydney Swans vs. GWS GIANTS (SCG) (N)
St Kilda vs. Adelaide Crows (ES) (N)
Sunday, 8 April
Richmond vs. Hawthorn (MCG)
Western Bulldogs vs. Essendon (ES)
West Coast Eagles vs. Geelong Cats (PS) (T)

 

Week 10. Monday 9 April
Was that rivalry round? Carlton played Collingwood – which used to be the stand-bearer of all rivalries. But that was forty years ago. Most of us have moved on, and would see almost any of those other games as more interesting.
Watching gold medals be decided between, say, Scotland and New Zealand is pretty interesting, but not as interesting as the footy.
More people watch AFLFLIX Round 3 than attend all Commonwealth Games sports on that weekend.
The Commonwealth Games are on the Gold Coast. It’s busy. And no one thinks to tell the players or managers where the Gold Coast v Freo game is in fact scheduled. Team managers realise at the last minute that the game is scheduled for “PS”.
Echoing sentiments around the country, both managers yell: “Where the fxck is PS?!”

11 April, Stanley Cup playoffs begin
11-22 April, Margaret River Pro
14 April, Queen Elizabeth Stakes, Randwick

ROUND 4
Friday, 13 April
Adelaide Crows vs. Collingwood (AO) (N)
Saturday, 14 April
GWS GIANTS vs. Fremantle (UNSW)
Richmond vs. Brisbane Lions (MCG)
Western Bulldogs vs. Sydney Swans (ES) (T)
North Melbourne vs. Carlton (BA) (N)
West Coast Eagles vs. Gold Coast SUNS (PS) (N)
Sunday, 15 April
Essendon vs. Port Adelaide (ES)
Hawthorn vs. Melbourne (MCG)
Geelong Cats vs. St Kilda (GS) (T)

15 April, Closing ceremony

 

Week 11. Monday 16 April
Fans of all clubs have now been exposed to the 2018 iteration of Match Day Experience and they’re over the moon. Giant climbing inflatable moons, fireworks, hula-hoops and fidget spinners now replace hovercrafts, laser shows and kiss cams. No one complains; at least not audibly over the relentlessly crashing audio track.
Someone does a knee.

ROUND 5
Friday, 20 April
Sydney Swans vs. Adelaide Crows (SCG) (N)
Saturday, 21 April
St Kilda vs. GWS GIANTS (ES)
Carlton vs. West Coast Eagles (MCG) (T)
Port Adelaide vs. Geelong Cats (AO) (N)
Fremantle vs. Western Bulldogs (PS) (N)
Sunday, 22 April
North Melbourne vs. Hawthorn (ES)
Brisbane Lions vs. Gold Coast SUNS (G) (T)

 

Week 12. Monday 23 April
A drawn-out Round 5 runs over five days. North Melbourne announce plans to play home games at Arden Street after Docklands is snubbed again by the paying public.
Approaching ANZAC Day, columns are written equating war, mateship, footy, trenches, adversity, hardship and hard-ball-gets. Other columns are written dismissing these first columns as being both disrespectful and unseemly.
Someone does a knee.

Tuesday, 24 April
Melbourne vs. Richmond (MCG) (N)
Wednesday, 25 April
Collingwood vs. Essendon (MCG)

ROUND 6
Friday, 27 April
Western Bulldogs vs. Carlton (ES) (N)
Saturday, 28 April
Geelong Cats vs. Sydney Swans (GS)
North Melbourne vs. Port Adelaide (ES)
GWS GIANTS vs. Brisbane Lions (SP) (T)
Hawthorn vs. St Kilda (UTAS) (N)
Adelaide Crows vs. Gold Coast SUNS (AO) (N)
Sunday, 29 April
Essendon vs. Melbourne (ES)
Collingwood vs. Richmond (MCG)
Fremantle vs. West Coast Eagles (PS) (T)

 

Week 13. Monday 30 April
The match review panel confuses the commentariat, who then confuse and enrage the public. It’s “news” and “talkback” all round, as a fans rage about “short breaks” and “unfairness” of a patently lopsided and gerrymandered fixture. Suspensions, penalties and intent are debated for days.
Someone is ejected from a leadership group.
Two former players are embroiled in an illegal drug fiasco.

1-3 May Brierly Steeplechase, Galleywood Hurdle, Grand Annual at Warrnambool
5 May, Kentucky Derby

ROUND 7
Friday, 4 May
Geelong Cats vs. GWS GIANTS (GS) (N)
Saturday, 5 May
Western Bulldogs vs. Gold Coast SUNS (MARS)
Essendon vs. Hawthorn (MCG)
West Coast Eagles vs. Port Adelaide (PS) (T)
Sydney Swans vs. North Melbourne (SCG) (N)
Adelaide Crows vs. Carlton (AO) (N)
Sunday, 6 May
Richmond vs. Fremantle (MCG)
St Kilda vs. Melbourne (ES)
Brisbane Lions vs. Collingwood (G) (T)

 

Week 14. Monday 7 May
Already this season a song, poem, short story and now movie script have been written about the pure sumptuousness of the Adelaide Oval as a sporting ground, nay, as a point of religious heritage. Another vacuous game at Docklands highlights the awkward fact that no one has yet written a single positive word about that venue.
Commentators interview one another.

ROUND 8
Friday, 11 May
Hawthorn vs. Sydney Swans (MCG) (N)
Saturday, 12 May
GWS GIANTS vs. West Coast Eagles (SP)
Carlton vs. Essendon (MCG)
Gold Coast SUNS vs. Melbourne (G) (T)
Port Adelaide vs. Adelaide Crows (AO) (T)
Western Bulldogs vs. Brisbane Lions (ES) (N)
Fremantle vs. St Kilda (PS) (N)
Sunday, 13 May
North Melbourne vs. Richmond (ES)
Collingwood vs. Geelong Cats (MCG)

 

Week 15. Monday 14 May
Undercover video footage emerges that spells the end for a long-time football personality.
AFLFLIX Executives award themselves a pay rise.
Gold Coast and Port Adelaide line up at Jiangwan Stadium, Shanghai.
AFLFLIX Executives attend Jiangwan Stadium, Shanghai.

ROUND 9
Friday, 18 May
Adelaide Crows vs. Western Bulldogs (AO) (N)
Saturday, 19 May
North Melbourne vs. GWS GIANTS (BA)
Gold Coast SUNS vs. Port Adelaide (AAJS)
Essendon vs. Geelong Cats (MCG) (T)
Sydney Swans vs. Fremantle (SCG) (N)
St Kilda vs. Collingwood (ES) (N)
Sunday, 20 May
Carlton vs. Melbourne (MCG)
Brisbane Lions vs. Hawthorn (G)
West Coast Eagles vs. Richmond (PS) (T)

Week 16. Monday 21 May
Fans complain about variable pricing and about the folly of value-for-money memberships, while ground level seats sit vacant.
Someone does a knee.

27 May – 10 June, French Open

ROUND 10
Friday, 25 May
Collingwood vs. Western Bulldogs (ES) (N)
Saturday, 26 May
Richmond vs. St Kilda (MCG)
Brisbane Lions vs. Sydney Swans (G) (T)
Geelong Cats vs. Carlton (GS) (N)
GWS GIANTS vs. Essendon (SP) (N)
Sunday, 27 May
Hawthorn vs. West Coast Eagles (ES)
Melbourne vs. Adelaide Crows (TP)
Fremantle vs. North Melbourne (PS) (T)
Byes: Gold Coast SUNS, Port Adelaide.

Week 17. Monday 28 May
Narrative: It’s the most wide-open season in living memory. As many as 12 teams are in with a real chance. Maybe 15. A few others are smokies.
Commentators interview one another.

2 June, Epsom Derby

ROUND 11
Friday, 1 June
Sydney Swans vs. Carlton (SCG) (N)
Saturday, 2 June
Western Bulldogs vs. Melbourne (ES)
Hawthorn vs. Port Adelaide (UTAS)
Gold Coast SUNS vs. Geelong Cats (MS) (T)
Essendon vs. Richmond (MCG) (N)
West Coast Eagles vs. St Kilda (PS) (N)
Sunday, 3 June
North Melbourne vs. Brisbane Lions (ES)
Collingwood vs. Fremantle (MCG)
Adelaide Crows vs. GWS GIANTS (AO) (T)

Week 18. Monday 4 June
A round of upsets has thrown the cat among the pigeons. A tipster’s nightmare. No one would have seen those results coming. Kindergarten kids and European travellers collect the weekly prizes.
“Winter of discontent” is used in a story.

6 June, Rugby League State of Origin I, MCG
9 June, Rugby Union, Australia v Ireland, Brisbane
9-23 June Royal Ascot

ROUND 12
Friday, 8 June
Port Adelaide vs. Richmond (AO) (N)
Saturday, 9 June
Geelong Cats vs. North Melbourne (GS)
GWS GIANTS vs. Gold Coast SUNS (SP) (T)
St Kilda vs. Sydney Swans (ES) (N)
Sunday, 10 June
Brisbane Lions vs. Essendon (G)
Fremantle vs. Adelaide Crows (PS) (T)
Monday, 11 June
Melbourne vs. Collingwood (MCG)
Byes: Carlton, Hawthorn, West Coast Eagles,
Western Bulldogs.

 

Week 19. Monday 11 June
First instance of a class action being brought against a club for knowingly causing harm via their match day experience package arises following an event ubiquitously known as “decibel-gate.” Two dozen unrelated supporters at the new-new-new Perth footy ground, sitting in different parts of the crowd, each standing and attempting conversation with others during the quarter time break and failing to either hear or be heard, spontaneously suffer a stroke.

14-17 June US Open Golf, Southampton
World Cup (of Association Football) commences in Moscow when Russia takes on Saudi Arabia in Moscow on 15 June.
Saturday 16 June, France v Australia, Kazan, 8pm
Sunday 17 June, Peru v Denmark, Saransk, 2am
16 June, Rugby Union, Australia v Ireland, Melbourne

ROUND 13
Thursday, 14 June
Port Adelaide vs. Western Bulldogs (AO) (N)
Friday, 15 June
Sydney Swans vs. West Coast Eagles (SCG) (N)
Saturday, 16 June
Carlton vs. Fremantle (ES)
Gold Coast SUNS vs. St Kilda (MS) (T)
Hawthorn vs. Adelaide Crows (MCG) (N)
Sunday, 17 June
Geelong Cats vs. Richmond (MCG)
Byes: Brisbane Lions, Collingwood, Essendon,
GWS GIANTS, Melbourne, North Melbourne.

Week 20. Monday 18 June
The World Cup cannot be denied. The sporting conversation follows Australia and the Russian adventure of dubious officialdom.
Back home, after a particularly torrid line of questioning from the very few journalists independently covering the AFL scene, AFLFLIX chief Skipper Polo cancels all future media conferences. Open media sessions are to be replaced with the issuing of statements, or with scheduled appearances on hand-picked programs. The AFLFLIX Empire recruits a few more dozen to its own Media Unit. Renames it “Brave New World.”

Thursday 21 June, Denmark v Australia, Samara, 10pm
Friday 22 June, France v Peru, Ekaterinburg, 1am
Sunday 24 June, Rugby League State of Origin II, Sydney
June 23, Rugby Union, Australia v Ireland, Sydney

ROUND 14
Thursday, 21 June
West Coast Eagles vs. Essendon (PS) (N)
Friday, 22 June
Port Adelaide vs. Melbourne (AO) (N)
Saturday, 23 June
Hawthorn vs. Gold Coast SUNS (UTAS)
Brisbane Lions vs. GWS GIANTS (G) (T)
Western Bulldogs vs. North Melbourne (ES) (N)
Sunday, 24 June
Collingwood vs. Carlton (MCG)
Byes: Adelaide Crows, Fremantle, Geelong Cats,
Richmond, St Kilda, Sydney Swans.

Week 21. Monday 25 June
Themed Round Round, where officials and spectators are encouraged to dress up in whatever-the-hell-they-like. Coincides with the DARK MOFO festival in midwinter Hobart, where an artist photographs an empty Blundstone Arena playing surface, devoid of a game, while every member of the crowd is nude.

Wednesday 27 June, Denmark v France, 12am.
Wednesday 27 June, Australia v Peru, 12am.

ROUND 15
Thursday, 28 June
Richmond vs. Sydney Swans (ES) (N)
Friday, 29 June
Western Bulldogs vs. Geelong Cats (ES) (N)
Saturday, 30 June
Carlton vs. Port Adelaide (MCG)
Adelaide Crows vs. West Coast Eagles (AO) (T)
Gold Coast SUNS vs. Collingwood (MS) (N)
GWS GIANTS vs. Hawthorn (SP) (N)
Sunday, 1 July
Melbourne vs. St Kilda (MCG)
Essendon vs. North Melbourne (ES)
Fremantle vs. Brisbane Lions (PS) (T)

 

Week 22. Monday 2 July
Twenty-first time this season that a game has been billed as a “blockbuster.” Again, no blocks are busted.
AFLFLIX Integrity Unit launches an investigation into nefarious Dream Team manipulations, including spot-fixing of junk-time player possessions.

1, 2, 3,4 July – World Cup Last 16
2-15 July, Wimbledon
7, 8 July – World Cup Quarter Finals
7-29 July – Tour de France

ROUND 16
Thursday, 5 July
Sydney Swans vs. Geelong Cats (SCG) (N)
Friday, 6 July
Richmond vs. Adelaide Crows (MCG) (N)
Saturday, 7 July
Brisbane Lions vs. Carlton (G)
Port Adelaide vs. St Kilda (AO) (T)
Western Bulldogs vs. Hawthorn (ES) (N)
Melbourne vs. Fremantle (TIO) (N)
Sunday, 8 July
North Melbourne vs. Gold Coast SUNS (ES)
Essendon vs. Collingwood (MCG)
West Coast Eagles vs. GWS GIANTS (PS) (T)

 

Week 23. Monday 9 July
Conjecture about the flawless* and game-improving** goal line review system reaches new levels of hysteria, after the finish of one Perth game, full of reviews, is delayed by 90 minutes.
AFLFLIX staff are instructed to ignore the crescendos of Rugby League State of Origin and World Cup talk (except the CEO and deputies, who fly to Moscow on a fact-finding mission).
* I know
**I know

11 July, Rugby League State of Origin III, Brisbane
11, 12 July, World Cup Semi Finals
15, 16 July – World Cup Final

ROUND 17
Thursday, 12 July
Adelaide Crows vs. Geelong Cats (AO) (N)
Friday, 13 July
St Kilda vs. Carlton (ES) (N)
Saturday, 14 July
Hawthorn vs. Brisbane Lions (UTAS)
Melbourne vs. Western Bulldogs (MCG) (T)
Gold Coast SUNS vs. Essendon (MS) (N)
GWS GIANTS vs. Richmond (SP) (N)
Sunday, 15 July
Collingwood vs. West Coast Eagles (MCG)
North Melbourne vs. Sydney Swans (ES)
Fremantle vs. Port Adelaide (PS) (T)

 

Week 24. Monday 16 July
Rules of the game and OH&S issues are in the spotlight this week as one club last week perfected the new and challenging art of the ruck-lift. At each boundary throw-in, two teammates lifted the ruckman by the jockstrap and hoisted him skywards, giving him unfettered first access to the ball. In the same gravity-defying, testicle-crushing manner as the Rugby Union lineout.
AFLFLIX CEO and deputies stay on in Europe to learn from organisers of The Open.

19-22 July, Golf, The Open Championship, Angus, Scotland

ROUND 18
Friday, 20 July
St Kilda vs. Richmond (ES) (N)
Saturday, 21 July
Collingwood vs. North Melbourne (MCG)
Sydney Swans vs. Gold Coast SUNS (SCG)
Essendon vs. Fremantle (ES) (T)
Brisbane Lions vs. Adelaide Crows (G) (N)
Geelong Cats vs. Melbourne (GS) (N)
Sunday, 22 July
Carlton vs. Hawthorn (ES)
West Coast Eagles vs. Western Bulldogs (PS)
Port Adelaide vs. GWS GIANTS (AO) (T)

 

Week 25. Monday 23 July
A Hollywood celebrity is photographed wearing a team jumper and later filmed sitting mute alongside a beaming Club President. The team is flogged.
A coach denies that he has lost the backing of the club.
AFLFLIX CEO and deputies stay on in Europe to learn from organisers of the Tour de France.
Commentators interview one another.

29 July Tour de France final stage

ROUND 19
Friday, 27 July
Essendon vs. Sydney Swans (ES) (N)
Saturday, 28 July
Richmond vs. Collingwood (MCG)
Geelong Cats vs. Brisbane Lions (GS)
GWS GIANTS vs. St Kilda (SP) (T)
Gold Coast SUNS vs. Carlton (MS) (N)
Adelaide Crows vs. Melbourne (AO) (N)
Sunday, 29 July
North Melbourne vs. West Coast Eagles (BA)
Western Bulldogs vs. Port Adelaide (MARS)
Fremantle vs. Hawthorn (PS) (T)

 

Week 26. 30 Monday July
The people of Gold Coast continue to defy southern urging by simply finding more interesting things to do with their time than attend the footy.
An AFLFLIX working group learns of words like: context, history, culture, helicopter, Bears, sun, surf, dope.
A coach resigns, citing mental health pressure. He is both lambasted and praised on the same radio station.
Someone does a knee.

ROUND 20
Friday, 3 August
Richmond vs. Geelong Cats (MCG) (N)
Saturday, 4 August
Hawthorn vs. Essendon (MCG)
Brisbane Lions vs. North Melbourne (G)
Adelaide Crows vs. Port Adelaide (AO) (T)
St Kilda vs. Western Bulldogs (ES) (N)
Sydney Swans vs. Collingwood (SCG) (N)
Sunday, 5 August
Carlton vs. GWS GIANTS (ES)
Melbourne vs. Gold Coast SUNS (MCG)
West Coast Eagles vs. Fremantle (PS) (T)

 

Week 27. Monday 6 August
Yet another week goes by in which no commentator questions the dominant cause and effect narrative of top-level sport.
Unimaginative club executives continue to pore over K Marshall’s insider book of Richmond’s 2017 season, searching the “the answer.”
Coach sackings are OUT.
Long-term coach signings are IN.
Player delistings are OUT.
Player support programs are IN.
Ten clubs though, stubbornly continue to not be in the top eight.

9-12 August, US PGA Golf, St Louis

ROUND 21
Friday, 10 August
Essendon vs. St Kilda (ES) (N)
Saturday, 11 August
Hawthorn vs. Geelong Cats (MCG)
Gold Coast SUNS vs. Richmond (MS)
Port Adelaide vs. West Coast Eagles (AO) (T)
Collingwood vs. Brisbane Lions (ES) (N)
GWS GIANTS vs. Adelaide Crows (UNSW) (N)
Sunday, 12 August
North Melbourne vs. Western Bulldogs (ES)
Melbourne vs. Sydney Swans (MCG)
Fremantle vs. Carlton (PS) (T)

 

Week 28. Monday 13 August
Admin refuse to rule out mid-season transfers, twilight grand final.
Prominent South Australian and Western Australian supporters complain of a Melbourne-centric administration, making Melbourne-centric decisions.
Prominent Tasmanian supporters choke on their Sullivan’s Cove.
Queensland and New South Wales clubs continue the search for prominent supporters.

18 August, Rugby Union, Australia v New Zealand, Sydney

ROUND 22
Friday, 17 August
Richmond vs. Essendon (MCG) (N)
Saturday, 18 August
Collingwood vs. Port Adelaide (MCG)
Geelong Cats vs. Fremantle (GS)
GWS GIANTS vs. Sydney Swans (SP) (T)
Gold Coast SUNS vs. Brisbane Lions (MS) (N)
St Kilda vs. Hawthorn (ES) (N)
Sunday, 19 August
Carlton vs. Western Bulldogs (ES)
West Coast Eagles vs. Melbourne (PS)
Adelaide Crows vs. North Melbourne (AO) (T)

 

Week 29. Monday 20 August
Results of research into the effects of gambling advertising are released. You can bet there are no surprises. Double your money and bet that there is no coverage on AFLFLIX media channels.
The race for the finals is wide open going into the final round. Various articles describe “the widest open field in living memory.”
Again there is no game played in Hobart.
Commentators interview one another.
Someone does a knee.

25 August, Rugby Union, New Zealand v Australia, Auckland

ROUND 23
Friday, 24 August – Sunday, 26 August
Port Adelaide vs. Essendon (AO)
Carlton vs. Adelaide Crows (ES)
Geelong Cats vs. Gold Coast SUNS (GS)
Richmond vs. Western Bulldogs (MCG)
Sydney Swans vs. Hawthorn (SCG)
Brisbane Lions vs. West Coast Eagles (G)
St Kilda vs. North Melbourne (ES)
Melbourne vs. GWS GIANTS (MCG)
Fremantle vs. Collingwood (PS)

 

Week 30. Monday 27 August
News organisations deem it appropriate to publish photos of footballers who, as part of their Mad Monday shenanigans, wear costumes and get roaring drunk.
Eight teams remain now to win the 2018 flag.
With no matches scheduled, footy media people turn inwards for a week of soul-searching, questioning their reason for being; emerging with new perspectives of self and of place; of priority; of the difference between news and opinion; of humility and sacrifice for the greater good. Several large pigs are seen occupying air space over South Yarra.

27 August – 9 September, US Open Tennis

31 August – 2 September
Bye Round – Final Eight clubs

 

Week 31. Monday 3 September
Football is back with finals on Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday.
AFLFLIX introduces a new rule that will take immediate effect.
A press conference called to discuss this matter is diverted by AFLFLIX betting/sex/drug scandal.
Commentators interview one another.

8 September, Rugby Union, Australia v South Africa, Brisbane

6-9 September
Qualifying & Elimination Finals (4)

 

Week 32. Monday 10 September
Semi Finals week.
The first male players to “come out,” identifying as homosexual, stunningly do so not on a paid TV show, nor on a paid radio show, but on their own terms, via spontaneously embracing and kissing after the extra time final siren in a tight elimination final.
Boundary line interviewer, director barking in her ear, approaches the joyous, beaming players.
“What is going through your mind?”
They look at each other and reenact J Kennedy:
“Don’t think! Do!”
Several million words are written; read.
Social media collapses.
The sun comes up next day; pretty rosy.

15 September, Makybe Diva Stakes, Flemington
15 September, Rugby Union, Australia v Argentina, Gold Coast

14, 15 September
Semi-Finals (2)

 

Week 33. Monday 17 September
People are shocked when a thoughtful, skilful and trained communicator regularly demonstrates the ability to clearly, thoughtfully and skilfully communicate.
This leads to a complete rethink of employing people to communicate based on their ability to play a top-level sport. The rethink is over by lunchtime.
Commentators interview one another.
Someone does a knee.

21,22 September
Preliminary Finals (2)

Epsom Handicap, Randwick

 

Week 34. Monday 24 September
The final week of AFLFLIX 2018.
AFLFLIX Bingo includes:
-Brownlow Medal,
– red carpet,
-nerves,
-Angry Anderson,
-normal week,
-wisdom/folly of the Grand Final Eve Public Holiday in Melbourne,
-parade,
-soak it up,
-Graham Teasdale’s velvet suit,
-playing the Grand Final in another state,
-selection,
-fans flock to training,
-match review panel,
-fitness test,
-scalpers,
-Big Dance,
-Meatloaf.

29 September
Grand Final

About David Wilson

Hit for a towering 6 by Mike Gatting at the Banyule Cricket Club, December 2002, theatrically attempting to reproduce the SK Warne delivery. The ball is yet to land. @e_regnans

Comments

  1. ER – deja vu all over again?

    However, don’t go on about the Cats v Hawks rivalry. Carlton and Collingwood supporters still think the 1970s are relevant!! Teddy Hopkins! He’s old enough to be my grandfather!

    But you’ve left out the big one – who will win the flag? If I know that now I can make a lot of money.

    Oh, and by the way, G. Ablett wins Charlie.

  2. E.regnans says:

    G’day Dips.
    If history is any guide.

    Agreed on Collingwood v Carlton (men) (see Week 10).
    Most stage shows and amateur theatre have more crowd involvement than those games of recent years. Lessons there from the AFLW?

    As for the flag – it’s a minor detail.
    This is all about the rolling circus.
    TV rights, the Brand, ego, I think.
    Self interest here refers to the league itself, and all hangers-on.
    Quite a bit of clout.

    Would love to see G Ablett playing as a pure footballer, a skilled footballer, win Charlie.
    In a team of runners up to Collingwood would be fine.

  3. Epic.

    I’m tired just reading it.

  4. John Butler says:

    Thank Christ! AFLX done and dusted. Now I don’t have to pay it a second thought. Sounds like hell.

    As for the “season proper”, plus ca change plus c’est la meme chose.

    Don’t worry about those Geelong types E Reg. Been a bit lippy since they discovered relevance in 2007.

    Tally Ho.

  5. Mark 'Swish' Schwerdt says:

    Why do we bother?

  6. Amazing stuff, e.r. Just amazing.

  7. Mathilde de Hauteclocque says:

    No, no, no, no, no …
    I just did a shoulder throwing my arms up in the air …

    Any news on what happened to the insufferable sixty-sixth season of the quarter time ‘Sweet Caroline’ at the SCG?

  8. E.regnans says:

    Hold on, folks.
    It’s week 2, and the script reads pretty well.

    Week 1 – minor furore around criticism of the standard of play (Carlton v Collingwood).

    Week 2 – (so far) yikes.
    https://www.foxsports.com.au/afl/aflx-launched-with-parachutes-flairs-acrobats-and-zooper-goals-at-etihad-stadium/news-story/ccea502c7a3b16869a778a87185de9ef

  9. ER – I was just catching up on the daily news (you know the sort of stuff I’m referring to – cats up trees, what some air head wore on the red carpet etc), and I saw a piece on AFLX. You’re not taking the piss! They do have acrobats and zooper goals!! Can’t wait for it to start! I’m so grabbed by all of this. Are the players wearing clown suits? What a laugh. And will there be fireworks? Aren’t they compulsory at all sporting events that are as boring as bat shit nowadays? It will be so exciting!!! What will Tiger supporters think when Rance does his knee!! It will be such a hoot!! Laugh?? I’ll laugh my head off when the new Geelong recruit tears a groin whilst trying to kick the football into a net. But at least the Chinese will love it. And apparently the Dees are selling a home game of AFLX into Bhutan. And maybe, yes at last maybe, the Tasmanians will get a side in the national AFLX competition!!! Imagine that! They’ll call them (wait for it…………………drum roll……………………) The Tasmanian Tigers!! What a blast!! So funny. I’m in raptures thinking about it. And get this, the Tasmanian Tigers could wear an outfit (we don’t have jumpers anymore) that shows a map of Tasmania on the front. Brilliant! Loving this AFLX. Hilarious!! At least the Texans will like it. And it might even break into the North Korean market. Can’t wait. If the women’s football authorities have any brains they’ll run away from AFLX as fast as they can.

  10. E.regnans says:

    Yesterday, Dips, a banner day for “trickle-down Australian footy”.

    That AFLX launch, on the one hand (linked above), swimming in cash, opportunity.

    On the other hand: http://www.abc.net.au/news/2018-02-06/burnie-football-club-quits-tasmanian-state-league/9399578

  11. Er- I recall watching my first T20 match in an English pub and being bemused by the concept. Not sure that my response to AFLX will be as positive.

    Thanks for this mammoth piece!

  12. Luke Reynolds says:

    Brilliant writing ER.
    “Prominent South Australian and Western Australian supporters complain of a Melbourne-centric administration, making Melbourne-centric decisions.” Rulebook and Peter B?

  13. Thanks Mickey, Luke.

    Still the script seems apt.

    Knee injuries, commentators interviewing each other…
    http://www.abc.net.au/news/2018-02-12/knee-injury-expert-urges-parents-to-let-kids-play-footy/9424252

    The Tassie story I had incorrectly at Week 29.

    “Prominent Tasmanian supporters choke on their Sullivan’s Cove.”

  14. Week 4.
    http://www.afc.com.au/news/2018-02-28/leadership-group-named

    Fair dinkum.
    The wheels on the bus spin round and round, round and round…

  15. Thanks for the Sport/AFL calendar ER. Its on the fridge. I always look forward to July. British Open Golf, Wimbledon, Tour de Couch, Ross Lyon says “we are still a mathematical chance so……………”
    The past never repeats – but it rhymes.

  16. E.regnans says:

    Week 5.
    International fact finding mission.
    Paid for by you & I.
    As this organisation that pays no corporate tax ploughs on.
    How’s NW Tassie going?

    http://www.afl.com.au/news/2018-03-07/four-clubs-off-to-india-as-afl-eyes-staging-game

  17. E.regnans says:

    “…AFL general manager of China and India…”

Leave a Comment

*