AFL Trade Radio Satire – Episode 2 – The Production Meeting

 

It’s morning at the Trade Radio studio. The team have gathered to plot the coming day’s broadcast…

 

Producer: Alright team, we’ve been doing this since September 30, so we’re 120 broadcast hours in out of our 204 total and we’ve had one trade done, with three free agency moves to boot.

 

Damian Barrett: Not a bad return. Don’t start me on the compo though.

 

P: No one did, Damo. Now, I’ll admit it looks lean on face value but the sponsors are keen and the audience need something. I don’t care if we get the Ungarie publican’s mother in the law on the blower, but we need another Daniher angle.

 

Matthew Lloyd: Look, if that doesn’t work I’m here if you need. Keep him, sack him, he’s good, he’s bad, just let me know and I’ll hammer it.

 

P: OK, what else have we got? Anyone touring any facilities?

 

All: Nah.

 

P: Exit interviews?

 

Mitch Cleary: Maybe when Dusty comes back for his car?

 

P: Gee, that was a yarn, wasn’t it? Where were we on that one?

 

Sam McClure: Well, an actual trade happened at the same time, so…

 

P: Yes, let’s talk about that – Tim Kelly for a wad of picks – who’s taking the ‘Geelong will be better without him ala Ablett and Buddy’ angle?

 

MC: Yeah, that’s me.

 

P: And who’s got the ‘Eagles nest’ – Kelly/Gaff/Shuey v Judd/Cousins/Kerr, who do you take? People love that stuff. Gotta keep it binary, too. One or the other. That’s the way.

 

Dwayne Russell: That’s crazy good!

 

P: Spot on, Pipe. Now, I see that midget Tom Browne has been sniffing around this Josh Jenkins situation.

 

Kane Cornes: Oh, here we go. (rubs hands together a la two sticks in the woods)

 

P: Gee, the Crows light a fire under you, don’t they Vol-Kane-No?

 

All: Sniggers

 

KC: Do they what!

 

P: Fair to say you’ve got an axe to grind?

 

All: Muffled laughter

 

KC: Ha. Okay, okay..

 

P: So I can throw to you to hose down that speculation?

 

All: Laughter

 

KC: Righto, righto…

 

P: OK gents, let’s rein this in. I know we’re operating in a vacuum here, what with no footy and The Ashes long done, but we were knocked off social media by a Ben Simmons triple in a pre-season match yesterday. Also, the Aussie women are giving Sri Lanka the sort of hiding the men were once known for, and the last thing we need is to give people an excuse to think that cricket might be on the way back.

 

MC: Love it, boss!

 

P: Scoop, you’re a Carlton man..

 

SMc: Bound by blue, boss.

 

P: Well, we need to fire this ‘Eddie Betts to Carlton’ thing up again. The deal’s getting done today by all reports. It’s got everything – it’s a homecoming, the kids love him, another dagger to the Crows….

 

KC: TOO BLOODY RIGHT!

 

P: …..and he’ll be 33 when the season starts…so we all know what that means..

 

All: TOPPING UP FOR A FLAG!

 

P: That’s right. So we need to throw the kitchen sink at this. Compare it to the famous sporting comebacks, you know the drill – Woods at the Masters, Jordan post baseball, Ali v Foreman – as much international flavor as possible. We know Melburnians need these comparisons to get their heads around it. Then, Terry, I’ll need your list management analysis.

 

Terry Wallace: I’m here when you need, boss. At age 33, it’s a stone cold ‘top up’, but I’m not sure if I can pull the trigger on it being ‘a statement of intent’. Mind if I cover that off with you later today?

 

P: Sure thing. Right, so we’re good to go. And remember, it’s a momentum game. We keep the chat up, the trades will come. Keep it binary – give them one scenario, give them another and we roll from there.

 

DB: So no free agency compo?

 

P: Binary, Damo. Keep it simple, mate.

 

 

Our writers are independent contributors. The opinions expressed in their articles are their own. They are not the views, nor do they reflect the views, of Malarkey Publications.

 

 

 

 

 

 

About Andrew Else

Andrew has self-reported to this site as a lifetime Essendon supporter. He also played local footy for Lara and Melbourne Uni Blacks.

Comments

  1. Keep it coming, Andrew. No doubt the trade period will provide you with plenty of material! Any cross code possibilities?

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