AFL Round 7: Saints pound Pies as stricken sinners suffer

by David Enticott

It has been a horrible week. We’ve been locked up inside with gastro for four days straight. Our three boys have had it, Melissa and I have it and now our cat and two dogs are starting to show signs of being seriously unwell. Heaven help us if swine flu ever hits- we may as well buy the family plot out at Springvale and be done with it.

Still the footy offers the prospect of a few bright hours in an otherwise miserable week. Due to fears of spreading disease among the faithful, I stay home to watch the game on the big screen TV. This is the one week in the year when our house is divided along party lines- Melissa and Ben support the Saints, while James, Thomas and myself are one-eyed Magpies.

Ever since the 1997 Grand Final Melissa has thought that she was cursed, so she refuses to watch St Kilda games on the telly. While doubtful of this, in the faint chance that she might be jinxed, I make every effort to coax her into watching the game- I pour a cup of tea and offer the best seat in the house. It doesn’t work. Melissa heads to the other room for Facebook. As soon as she does Bruce announces “Davis and Medhurst are late withdrawals for the Pies.”

The game starts like a boxing match and Collingwood are landing a few telling blows. Maxwell is fierce in his hundredth game and Stanley, Wellingham and Barham all make important contests around the ball. Yet even in these early stages we look like Rocky Balboa against Apollo Creed in Rocky 1 . . . we are throwing punches but are seriously outmatched. By quarter time the margin hits ten points in the Saints’ favour.

In the second term St Kilda start to impose their superiority. With no Davis, Medhurst and Didak we lack class. St Kilda look like a group of elite middle distance runners. Tall and lanky players like Gilbert, Goddard and Fisher begin to dominate. The pro-Collingwood crowd starts to fight with the umpires, yet little is gained. By half way through the quarter the Pies are so far behind that Melissa feels comfortable watching the game. She starts sledging the Pies- “When you win you at least want the other team to turn up.” It is going to be a long night.

At half time we go looking for some suspense so watch a bit of LOST. The action is much more compelling than the footy. When we turn the game back on in the third quarter the Pies are getting thrashed. Bucks is as incisive as ever on the telecast. I am not, I start yelling at the screen. “Stop talking, start coaching Bucks. We need you.” Melissa looks down from her knitting . . . “You know they can’t hear you.” Reality and football should never mix.

The last quarter is seriously depressing. The Saints are taunting us. It’s the late seventies and early eighties all over again . . . except that this time it is the Pies who are getting beaten up. In the end the Saints win by the biggest margin ever against Collingwood – 88 points. There is nothing good to come out of the game from a Collingwood point of view. Three more players are injured- Fraser, Cloke and Swan. We will barely be able to throw a punch against Carlton next week. While for St Kilda their title fight awaits against Geelong in Round 14. On tonight’s form they could be a worthy challenger.

David Enticott is the battered and bruised Minister of the Rosanna Baptist Church.


  1. johnharms says


    I trust watching LOST wasn’t merely a poetic device?


  2. haiku bob says

    playing the Saints
    the Father removes
    his crucifix

Leave a Comment