AFL Round 6 – Richmond v Geelong: Johnson Bloody Johnson

Just around three weeks ago, the Tigers were three and zip, 3rd and hadn’t yet completely blown a lead (Carlton didn’t count).
Jack was in high places on the Coleman ladder, Cotch had cloned himself into several twins and the injury list was blissfully empty.                                                                                                                                                                                                   Fast forward two weeks, and Reece Conca has a stress fracture, Freo beat us by 1 and Collingwood dismantled us in a single quarter like everyone except GWS does to Melbourne. Plus the cats are unbeaten, it’s  Steve Johnson’s 200th and Corey Enrights’ 250th and some people tip us. Nothing wrong with that, but I’d rather no tips  in the paper than see a page full of  ‘experts’ with the word ‘Richmond’ next to their name.

North vs Port in Tassie, 10,000 there, biased tip sheets and 774 commentators speaking with a tint of relaxation has me wondering.

The initial plan was to go to the game, which was thrown out the window as soon as tennis in Kyneton proved an absolutely freezing experience, and the forecast didn’t improve. Armchair footy it is then, and after a nervous kick of the pill,  interrupted by cocky Geelong-supporting neighbours, the TV is switched on and a sick feeling grips us all.

Mum doesn’t help. Before the bounce, Mum tells us all, in hushed tones; “Kids, this could be ugly. Geelong are a very good team, remember 200-”

Unfortunately, dear mumsy is cut off by a barrage of  “Ah, no, mum!”s or “Lalalalala, I CAN’T HEAR YOU!!”.

Kingy is back from the biggest corky of all time, Chaplin from concussion, Morris from suspension.

The M&Ms and Pods are brought out as the siren sounds. Dad mutters a barely inaudible ‘Oh no’, and when he opens his eyes, the scores are 13-zip. Cue nerves.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                     Brandon “YAY I’M NOT SUB’ Ellis gets our first with the mongrel punt of the year, which sparks some life into the tigers. Cotchy has a hard time with taggers, and the umpires are typically on Geelong’s side, but they don’t stop  Kingy and Jack helping themselves. The game is purely ours as the end of the quarter arrives. 4 points? Seems like more.

The Cats awaken a bit in the second term, with Johnson, Bartel and Christensen very dangerous. Plus frees after frees are flooding into the Geelong side of the statistician’s board. Shane Edwards is playing well around the packs, and Kingy is enjoying some action down forward, but we still trail by 5 at the half.

Mum wants to start sounding like a funeral speaker again, but, as Dad likes to say, there’s a long way to go.

Curse my big mouth.

The Geelong/Umpires footy club bare their teeth and claws. Joel Selwood is being heavily tagged, but manages to start a fight. Mum goes to bed. Steve Bloody Johnson is influential. Cotch is no more than a distant shadow, with Dusty and Titch Edwards our only prominent midfielders. Ivvy stumbles off the ground, followed by a concussed Ty Vickery.

Dad leaves to bed as well.

Tom Hawkins has had no impact whatsoever, but the Cats look like romping away to an easy win, 24 up at three quarter time.

So begins the final quarter, and oops, what did I just say about him, Hawkins kicks two in as many minutes. As he is swamped by elated Geelong players, I just stop.

Steve Johnson is starting a passage of play when I turn of the telly, and go to bed.

4 and 2 was a lifetime away.

RICHMOND: 13.9 (87)

GEELONG: 20.11 (131)


RICHMOND: King 4, Riewoldt 3, Martin 2, Knights, McGuane, Ellis, Grigg

GEELONG: Christensen 3, Bartel, Johnson, Hawkins, Smedts, Stokes 2, Selwood, West, Biclavs, Enright, Murdoch.


RICHMOND: Edwards, Martin, King, Knights, Grigg                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                     GEELONG: Johnson, Christensen, Bartel, Duncan, Stokes, Enright, Selwood.

VOTES: Bartel 1, Christensen 2, Johnson 3.







  1. Well done Paddy – enormously entertaining.

  2. Lauren Olney says

    Well done Paddy! I usually avoid ‘Monday’s experts’ but your approach is very refreshing. I particularly like your descriptions of the interplay and counterpoint between seriously obsessive game watching and your family goings-on. Very well written, very entertaining. I still don’t like Richmond, but I will continue to follow and will look forward to your budding journalistic endeavours. (From Lauren ‘sour grapes’ Carlton supporter).

  3. Dr Rocket says

    Great to see the Kyneton Tigers 2nds have a win.

    Hopefully there will be a senior team back out on the Kyneton Showgrounds next season.

    Kyneton is absolutely the coldest place I have played footy. Colder than snow in Armidale in northern NSW. It’d freeze the balls off the golf-course!

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