AFL Round 4 – St Kilda v Adelaide: Done Like A Dinner

I’ve decided to take out a Crows Victorian membership this season; hasn’t been worth it recently as there weren’t enough games that I could get to due to clashes with my daughters’ (the Swishters) netball.

Those same offspring aren’t as interested as they once were in “the footy”, so I figured that I’d be venturing to the Docklands by myself. But Swishter #3 decided that she would go with me, despite the torrent of Dad-jokes that I’d no doubt unleash at some point.

But the 3:20pm timeslot brought with it some catering conundrums. Sunday is the day I generally try to whip up something more wholesome than the usual working week fare, so out came the slow cooker. After producing Mrs Swish’s Sunday morning pancakes and cuppa, it was time to

a) Turn on slow cooker (low setting)
b) Dice and trim 1.2kg of blade steak
c) Assemble vegetables
2 overripe tomatoes
4 sticks celery
2 sweetish home grown red capsicums
½ butternut pumpkin
3 smallish carrots
1 zucchini
d) Find two tins of tomatoes
e) Open 1 500ml beef stock carton
f) Roll beef in flour and brown in batches
g) Peel and chop up veges into bite size portions
h) Chuck the lot into slow cooker
i) Wait until after the footy

Next stop was the shop where I bought a sizeable quantity of expensive LED downlights which, when installed and switched on, rendered every Digital radio in the house mute. Expecting a ton of resistance (groan), I rehearsed my chapter and verse rendition of the Consumer Affairs website (“fit for purpose”, “dispute process”), as well as the inevitable raised voices and flouncing that I would be resorting to. Instead, I was met with, “Hmm, never seen that before, would you like a refund?” A pointer to this afternoon’s fortunes, I hoped.

Finally off to the bagel shop for some sweetish bread product to be wrapped around the dwindling supplies of bacon and pork (yes, I know), home grown lettuce, store bought tomatoes and tasty cheese slices for five.

With an eye on the clock, it was time to pack. But where was “Dad’s Radio”, my trusty old school AAA-powered connection to the world of Tim, Gerard, Ox or whoever was doing today’s game. It was nowhere to be found, so I had to make do with an even older version which may not even have worked under the closed roof at postcode 3008. Some water, some Aldi-sourced German Kit-Kat equivalent and a couple of biros found their way into my bought for Contiki in 1987 backpack and we were away.

Swishter #3 was ready, so it was down to Ormond station for the every ten minutes on Sunday, stopping all stations conveyance to Southern Cross.
As expected, the train was full of Saints supporters ( ), hopeful after two wins and a pretty fair effort against West Coast (although that was put into perspective the previous night by the Cats).

The dad jokes kicked in around Armadale, as I suggested that #3 put the “L into user” and the “K into rap”, but when I suggested that she also put the “N into itwit” (or something similar), she cannily revealed that the game only worked if the second part of the phrase represented a real word. I then asked her whether “martarse” was in the dictionary.

Once we were collectively disgorged at our destination, purchased a Budget, sorry, Record, and visited the Salvos tin-rattler, we found our way to the Gate 1, lined up for #3’s ticket, bypassed the face painting and overcame the lactic-acid inducing climb to level 3.

It took just 30 seconds for the peanut behind me to yell out “Hey J-Pod, this is the only place you will get a game, your old team is undefeated now that you’ve left them”. In my younger days, I would have suggested that he might want to say the same thing to Saints #5 Shane Savage, but having daughters in attendance usually reminds me not to make a goose of myself, at least not until you are 10 goals in front.

I won’t go chapter and verse on the game itself, but a few observations:
• Two simple chances that went begging from Beau “Misternotherone” Maister and Jack “no Surname” Steven in the first quarter meant that the Saints had no chance after that
• The Crows would have been pleased to see Nick Riewoldt covering more ground than a Google Street View van, because there was no-one ahead of him with any goal kicking potency
• The Saints should rush Jack Billings back in, as they seemed to have no other “Method” to speak of
• Only the recent Federal Labor Party made better use of the corridor than the Crows did today
• The Crows tackles stuck
• Paddy Dangerfield did what he wanted, whenever he wanted, which was only about twice a quarter
• Watching a lot of Crows games on TV means that you don’t actually know all of the players’ numbers, you recognise them by their gait, appearance, hairline instead. But numbers certainly help sort out the various Smiths, Browns, Wrights, Brodies and Rories
• Ben Rutten is slow
• Why is Eddie Betts giving away goals?
• Sam Jacobs is returning to 2012 form
• We could have done with a couple of Josh Jenkins goals early last week
• Tex Walker would have kicked 10 today
• Riewoldt, Hayes, Montagna / Goddard, Dal Santo. Who is happier?
• I wished I’d found my other radio
• Peter Lazer is better at the netball
• The Saints Animal Enclosure promotion is a dud

We lasted until the final siren, which hasn’t been the norm at a Crows Dome game for a while, then joined the throng for the return journey. Which turned out to be a pleasant enough amble home; #3 ran into a couple of school friends and I caught up briefly with a Saints supporting acquaintance, a flesh and blood version of “through thick and thin”.

Through the front door, set the table, slice and butter the crusty bread and dinner is served. Not a bad first up effort, a few too many veges for the Swishters, but Mrs Swish ate the lot.

And Mr Temple, if you are reading this, the Dead Point TV adaptation wasn’t half bad, but I’m not sure why they felt the need to change so much of the book.

The day was capped off when #3 looked up briefly during Jack’s love scene with Linda and said “I thought she was a lesbian”, thinking it was an episode of Janet King.

About Mark 'Swish' Schwerdt

Saw my first SANFL game in 1967 - Dogs v Peckers. Have only ever seen the Dogs win 1 final in the flesh (1972 1st Semi) Mediocre forward pocket for the AUFC Blacks (1982-89) Life member - Ormond Netball Club -That's me on the right


  1. Good to see your hard yards rewarded Swish. Love the last line from Swishter #3.
    Marta Dusseldorp is giving Stephen Fry a run for his money these days. Good to see the AFL’s Anti-Homophobia campaign is getting results on the box.

  2. Malcolm Ashwood says

    Very good Swish no need to show up 99 per cent of the Greys up with your cooking ability yep I am a budget man . Jenkins is extremely quick for his size and if he only kicked for goal like that every week he would be a star . Spot on Riewolt got too many of his kicks in places were it was never going to hurt the crows . Smith is a v good player and Dmac needs to perform consistently Thanks Swish

  3. You had a terrific day. Agree that Jacobs is recapturing his best form. This will help us enormously. Forget lasers and the internet. The best thing science has given us in the last few decades, apart from seedless watermelon, is the slow cooker. Enjoyed your yarn, as always!

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